In a Non-smoking environment...

“Is it supposed to do that?” Allie eyed the screen with some concern.

Sarah turned her head, replying absent mindedly, “Do what?”

The pair of co-workers stared at the wisps of smoke appearing from the back of Allie’s computer. Recovering from the initial shock Sarah yelled, “Unplug it!”

Allie continued to stare at the smoking machine, “I don’t think it’s supposed to do that…”

Sarah pushed the younger woman out of the way and crawled under the desk to yank the cord from its plug. She then turned off the power strip. Peering out over the edge of the desk she could still see smoke curling towards the ceiling. Adrenaline really beginning to fuel her anxiety, Sarah got to her knees saying, “Fire extinguisher, we need a fire extinguisher…” Heading to the door of their small office, Sarah ran straight into Doug.

He stood there gazing at the odd sight of office equipment slowly being consumed by flame. As Sarah squeezed past him he asked, gesturing with his coffee cup, “Hey, is that supposed to do that?”

Sarah failed to respond with the obvious and fled down the hall in search of an extinguisher. It took some minutes to locate the needed piece of safety equipment. The extinguisher cabinet had been filled with some spray bottles and the extinguisher had been left in the cleaning closet.

Returning to her cubicle at a run, Sarah discovered that the entire area had abandoned their desks in favor of the latest diversion. Twelve bodies blocked the door to the emergency. Beating on their backs, she fought her way into the office as more pointed but pointless questions were tossed about. Comments included:

“My computer certainly never smokes. She must have left something on it.”
”Do you think someone set the fire?”
“How do you get that shade of thick purple in the smoke?”
“Do you suppose we’ll get to go home early?”

Allie had remained in her chair in the corner, observing the smoke becoming thicker and small orange flames beginning to flicker out the edges of the machine. Sarah ran to the machine and sprayed it with the extinguisher until all hint of flame had been smothered.

The use of the extinguisher had neatly evacuated the office door. Allie and Sarah staggered from the office coughing. Excitement over, the rest of the office floor returned to their desks. However, Allie and Sarah now had quite a mess to clean up.

Using the nearest phone, Allie called housekeeping and requested that her office be cleaned during the lunch hour. Housekeeping, rather overworked and grumpy, inquired into the necessity of the clean up. Allie replied, “Well, you see, my computer began smoking and then there were flames and we had to put it out. So you see, there is quite a mess in my office now.”

Housekeeping remained silent for a moment, “It was smoking? Do computers do that?”

Allie hung up.

The visit to the first aid station on the ground floor had a similar bend to it. The nurse mused as she bandaged a burn on Sarah’s arm, “I knew that computers got viruses, I didn’t know they burned. Is that supposed to happen?”

The two women spent lunch avoiding the topic. They fed the birds in the park and checked out some young men jogging by. A great improvement in conversation over anything else they recently said.

Completely refreshed and ready to tackle the problem of getting a new computer, Allie led Sarah back to their office. As they got off the elevator, the aroma of cooked plastic hit them, effectively bringing them back down to earth. Grimly trying to ignore more inquiries by her co-workers on how exactly one got a computer to smoke, Allie approached her office door. Waiting for her was the one person she did not want to talk to, Bruce from the IT department.

Bruce morosely greeted Allie and waved at Sarah as she brought up the rear. “I hear that we lost one of our own today,” he said. Allie tried to keep a smile off her face. She could never take Bruce seriously. He was just too, well, lost in the electronics. This, in fact, was the first time that she could recall Bruce talking directly to her in the past year.

Taking a deep breath Allie replied, “Yes, well, I guess something just went wrong.” She led Bruce into the office.

The worst of the devastation had been removed. The white powder had been cleaned up, the floor vacuumed, and a plastic bag placed over the computer. Dragging his feet, Bruce approached the machine. Placing a hand on the monitor he asked, “So, what really happened?” Clearly an explanation was expected.

Hoping to get the inevitable interrogation over quickly, Allie rambled, “Well, it just sort of started smoking. And then it got a bit hotter and it started to melt, and I could see the flames jumping out and then Sarah got it with the extinguisher.”

Bruce glared at Allie and then at Sarah. “Computers don’t just start smoking,” he said precisely. “You must’ve done something.”

Unable and unwilling to argue with anyone about what a computer could or could not do, Allie left the office. Sarah smiled tightly at Bruce, “Why don’t you just take it. We need to get back to work.”

Bruce tenderly lifted the carcass and hauled it away.

About an hour later a new computer was delivered to Allie’s desk. Shortly after its arrival, the Office Manager stopped by. “Allie, I know you didn’t do anything, but please be careful with the new computer. They are terribly expensive. And if you need to smoke, you know that the smoking lounge is outside by the receiving doors.”

Allie closed the door in the manager’s face and returned to her desk. In fact, Allie spoke very little to anybody for the rest of the day. Sitting at her new computer, she typed furiously. Occasionally, one could hear the bell announcing new e-mail arriving.

The following morning each office worker that had been involved in or knew of the “incident” received the following e-mails:

MEMO

To: All Staff on Third Floor and Affected Employees
From: Allie
Re: Results of Investigation into Smoking Computer

As many of you know, yesterday the computer that was on my desk was smoking. As this was an unauthorized computer occurrence, the IT Department, headed by Bruce L., inquired into the circumstances surrounding the incident.

The fire was a result of lack of air circulation in the computer case caused by the improper placement of the ergonomic safety-warning sticker. This sticker, placed by the IT department, covered the intake screen on the front of the machine. The hot air caused insulation on some wiring to smolder and ignite. The circuit breaker inside the machine did not function properly, failing to cut power to the machine in case of intense heat.


MEMO

To: All Staff
From: IT Department
Re: Procedure for Inconsistent Computer Performance

The following procedures are in effect immediately:

If your computer should be found to be performing in a manner inconsistent with its standard behavior, notify the IT department immediately for directions. Inappropriate action can cause irreparable damage to company equipment.

The following items should not be applied on or near a computer; water, liquid in any form, flame, stickers

Any questions should be directed to the IT Department


MEMO

To: All Staff
From: Sarah
Re: Answer to the question of the day

An inquiry was conducted into the correct or incorrect behavior of one computer located on Allie’s desk. I have been asked if a computer was supposed to smoke. After consulting with our knowledgeable IT department and the Fire Marshall it has been determined that the computer should not have been smoking.

Should anybody have any other questions, please feel free to forward all inquiries to me.


Epilogue:

Allie received a reply from the engineering department commending her on doing such a thorough job with the investigation.
The IT department received several replies indicating what kind of appropriate action they might take, should somebody in the department suddenly erupt into flame.
And Sarah received a promotion to Public Relations for her ability to answer a direct question with a direct but uninformative answer.