6) Entrapment

Part Six
(This is chapter six of my personal accounts, "-Liking-: Refractions and Infractions" )



I was in a pitiful state. The winter break had made me cynical and sad and depressed and lonely. All of my bad feelings had amplified.

Return

After break, there was only a month or so left of the semester. That meant only one more month of zero-hour health. This was quite fortunate, because I found myself really straining to catch my shuttle. A couple of times, I slept in and woke only to the sound of my carpool right outside the window honking at me. That made me feel pretty awful, because it made them late for their class. One early January morn', the car died. It just up and died, frozen to death. So we had to ditch the car and run to the nearest bus stop to get to school.

My friend Vu was creating more comics for the school newspaper. They had also expanded in size, and his latest took up the entire back page. I was happy to contribute by adding Japanese dialog to a nonsensical scene. He also helped me with a little one page comic I'd written, in which two guys are ruminating over the fact that all the hot girls love assholes (usually with shaved heads and scars). In the end, one of the guys gives up after witnessing four ditzes fawning over one of the aforementioned guys and he looks in the garbage for a light bulb (with which to smash into his forehead). Okay, it may not have been subtle, but it helped me.

Vu started talking about this girl he had met in his art class. I seemed rather happy to hear that he had met someone he described as 'interesting' and 'smart'. He would mention her more and more often, and while I was glad he seemed to have found a girl he liked, I was obviously rather jealous. But I didn't say anything.

Extracurrics

That winter was packed, I tell you. I was taking the city bus home almost every day. I would usually ride with Vu to downtown Minneapolis where we parted ways.

First off, there was QuizBowl. We had most thankfully found a fourth member early on, an ex-drama girl by the name of Alexandria. I think that I had a lot more fun that year because of the small team. The previous year we had enough people for two teams, and I didn't know my teammates as well. But this year was all fun, and I felt a big part of it. We may not have been the best, but hey.

Another activity was Math Team, which met about once a month for competitions. As I had the previous years, I really enjoyed the interesting math problems. I'm a math geek.

There was LitMag as well, which was definitely my favorite afterschool hangout. We, the editing staff usually didn't have much to do. Every so often one of us would come up with something new, or we would get to look at some submissions, but for the most part we just talked. The conversations usually involved of me and Vu and Mrs. Stammers, and we would go all over the place: philosophy, ways of teaching, bullies, South Park, monks. The rest of the quiet editing staff seemed to enjoy it too.

Then there was Speech Team. The first competition was very intimidating. I had convinced Vu to come along too. We caught the bus at school early one Saturday morning, and everyone else on the Speech Team was from Drama Club. When we got to the awful suburb school, we sat down at a table and ate donuts. Each person had to go and do three 'runs' of their stuff. I remember going to my assigned room and hearing very emotional deliveries of very intense poems, about subjects ranging from a horrible rape to the evils of capitalism. Then I got up, and I recited a poem about Miami and how all the talk show hosts went there to die. And then I read a poem about a kid who tortured ants, and another about senile people. Okay, my stuff just didn't quite fit in. I returned to base after my first round, somewhat dejected, and I found Vu sitting at our table sketching. He didn't seem to have enjoyed his round either. When I left for my next round, he stayed there sketching. When it was all over, I found that my scores weren't all horrible... they just weren't any good. Vu, on the other hand, had completely skipped his second and third rounds. He was done.

I stuck with it for a bit, if only because EV had returned to serve as an assistant coach. I changed my category to 'creative', and recited my story The Lazy Bastard and another prose piece I had written about a guy who is in love with a woman despite the fact that she has him tied to a chair with decomposing bodies rotting behind him. Some of the judges seemed to like the dry delivery I gave my writing, though I still only got the equivalent of B's. After a few more competitions, I just ran out of steam. But I'm glad to have at least given it a try.

Finally there was Chess Team. Vu had brought me to one practice, and it seemed okay. They needed people, so I joined the team. The first match was against -get this- a bunch of elementary school kids. Piece of cake, right? Well, my opponent beat the crap out of me. Not so fun when you get beat. And our entire team had been destroyed by these little chess wizards. I didn't quit the team outright though, I stayed with it.

Joey attack

So Vu began talking more and more about this mysterious girl, and said that he was encouraging her to come to Chess club. Big deal, I thought. I wasn't really looking forward to meeting this person. It seemed the only way he had described her was as 'interesting' and 'unique' and a bit audacious, and then he would admit that she had some emotional issues that she discussed with him and he would specifically state, for some reason, that she wasn't fat.

Anyways, it came to be the last week of the semester, and I went up to the brief meeting before the Chess competition. Vu had said he would meet me there because he was picking up his girly. I was kind of steamed to hang out with the rest of the chess geeks as I waited for my friend, and I was kind of worried that the rest of the day would be like that, with him giving her all of the attention.

She ambled into the room, and Vu made our introductions quick. This girl was to be called 'Joey'. She was wearing a green army-type shirt, and she wore goofy glasses under her red-violet hair. Her striped socks emerged from her clumsy buckled shoes. I was not fascinated. She then went on to unintentionally intimidate and insult the rest of the team before we were called down to where our taxis were waiting.

I climbed into a taxi with her and Vu and some poor chess kid. Not very late into the ride, she started asking the driver about Jesus and went on about how Christians are evil. I added my own schtick and tried to take a middle-ish ground, eager -despite myself- to make some sort of good impression. Before the taxi had stopped, the poor red-headed chess team kid was convinced that this girl was the devil. We got to the school and wandered around the snowy grounds until we found the proper entrance. Inside, she talked to Vu about hot guys she spied as we passed the gym area. Hrmph.

The Chess coach was having a severe problem: we had gone to the wrong school. Or rather, we had gone to the right school on the wrong day; the competition scheduled for that day was in fact back at OUR school. So he had to call taxis again to bring us all back. While standing around waiting for our ride, a bit more conversation was made: Joey messing with the religious kid and me or Vu interjecting every so often. When the cab arrived she had invited a guessing game based on the contents of her mysterious tin. I could tell immediately what it was -everything added up.
She told Vu to sit in the front seat and she sat between me and the tortured redhead. I gave humorous guesses, since I knew what was actually inside the tin:
"Could I eat it?"
"Can I store something in it?"
"Is it made out of silicone?"
To the horror of the redhead geek, she finally revealed the contents to be a large collection of condoms. Vu, in the front seat suffering car sickness, was no longer participating at that point. After this transition, she proceeded to talk about more risque things in order to traumatize the geek, but I didn't pay attention to the specifics. The reason for this was because she had clandestinely placed her hand on my leg. At first I assumed that it was just an accident -but this was soon proven incorrect, because of what I had observed so far and because of the frightening fact that her hand seemed to be creeping ever closer... I was lightheaded, no doubt in some sort of stupor because of the surprise physical contact.

Before I knew it, she was taking my hand in hers, and bringing my index finger into her mouth. The only thought -a very basic one- that I could muster through my head was This girl is sucking my finger. I neglected to produce such thoughts as Why is this girl sucking my finger? or How in the hell did I get into this? or most importantly Who else's fingers has this girl sucked? I had never experienced such a sensation before, and I was simply melting (in her mouth, not her hands, I suppose). I found myself surprised that such a very basic sensation could be so fulfilling -this was my FINGER for cripe's sake! But of course, it was such a physical sensation that I had been without for all those years, and the deep desire for them was tied inseparably with those feelings of extreme loneliness and depression I had suffered. Relief from one felt like relief from ALL of them.

As we entered our school, I was aware that she was holding my hand. I felt like I was in a foreign place, and we went down to an unfamiliar room for the match. It seemed like I didn't play a chess game at all; my mind was completely absent. I don't remember if I won or lost. What I do remember is that after we had finished our game, she was wearing my letter jacket and she was in a corner holding me rather closely. I was shocked out of my haze when she bent down in front of me and pressed backwards... I suddenly realized that there were other people around, that this wasn't some fantasy or dream. I managed to eak out a statement: "Hey," I said quietly, and she moved her head closer, "Don't you think this is going a little fast?"
To this she told me to follow her out to the empty hallway. She pulled out, in a very hushed voice, some very calming words: "If you're not comfortable with anything I do, just tell me. Okay?" I guess the logic sounded fine, though the repercussions were completely beyond me. I nodded my head, and she came closer and kissed me.

On the bus ride home, I sat talking to Vu. He hadn't seemed too happy about the whole thing, but when we were finally alone he was alright. I talked with him about what had been laid out for me. Now at least able to think in a minimum way, I presented to him how I felt about this whole thing. Yes, she is a little different, different than what I envisioned (she had smoked a cigarette before seeing us off on our bus). A little troubled too, probably, she has some issues that I don't know specifically (though for sure Vu knew a great deal of them). Maybe I'll be a good influence to her. But I decided (well, I didn't think it, it just came out of my mouth) that maybe this was worth it simply for the experience if not anything else. I said this part as more of a question to Vu rather than a statement. Is this really something I want to get into? was what I meant. I got the impression from him that he was giving me the go-ahead, though he may just have shrugged.

The weekend was an absolute non-experience. I had Joey's pager number and I paged her, and she called me back and we talked for a bit about nothing in particular. She asked me what I wanted this to be, and she placed two things on the table: a boyfriend and girlfriend type thing or a 'friends with benefits' thing. I hadn't heard of the latter before, but I quickly ignored it (and with that ignored the significance of it being brought up in the first place). Yes, I said, I want it to be a boyfriend girlfriend thing, I think.

Snagged

The next monday (the beginning of the second semester), she showed up in the lunchroom. This was a bit startling, because she had previously had 'first lunch' with Vu. Suddenly, my private corner of the lunchroom was invaded. But she sat close to me and put her arm around me, and that made me content. Apparently, she had transferred into IB from Open, and incidentally she was a freshman. Tiny insignificant voices in my head cried out: You're with SOME FRESHMAN you hardly know. SHHHH. I was intrigued that she had chosen more difficult classes, yes. Signs of improvement -she's a wonderful person just waiting to get out. Yes, that's it.

The following weeks continued in that sort of dazed surrealistic way that I had perceived since this whole mess had started. I saw her before school, at lunch and at weekly chess practice, and she called me on weekends. I didn't really get to know much about her, just simply that she liked me -I guess that's what I always seem to like.

As a major step, she asked me to move from my corner of the lunch room to where her friends were. One of her friends was this poor guy who she said had a crush on her but she disliked. He was always there, sitting by her. Kind of pitifully, I thought unfairly. And this guy brought with him HIS friend, who turned out to be the tortured red-haired kid from chess club. By now, the redhaired kid simply tried to ignore Joey in between arguing with her. I remained quiet sitting with this group, only interjecting funnies on occasions that permitted it. It was pretty uncomfortable. But she would kiss me before my next class, and that -that WAS comfortable.

I was faced with the prospect of yet another Valentine's Day, but for the first time feelings of loneliness were missing. I bussed to the mall and bought her some chocolates. There were things that I thought, things that people said that I chose to ignore: How come you don't see her outside of school? "Joey, eh... she's a pretty lively person." I talked to Vu every day, but he never really mentioned Joey, though he did have a class with her and was her official 'secret keeper'. I was privy to no secret information, however.

Nick called at me from across the room in math class one day: "Are you really with Joey?" I nodded, and he seemed to have won some raucous argument at his table. Things popped into my head, wondering why he had asked, and how he had found out, but I quieted them. After class, Nate approached me; the leader of the Christian Youth club himself was going to have a word with me.

"Hey Chook (he rhymed it with 'cook'), I hear that you're going out with Joey. Listen, I've heard some things -that I'm sure have been exaggerated beyond recognition- but they're pretty bad. I know she can't be all that bad because you're going with her, but I just wanted to see what exactly happened."
"It's kind of crazy," he added in a funny voice to try and degloomify things.
He was so well-meaning. Instead of thinking about what he said, my mouth started blabbing some incoherent justification: "There comes a time, you know, when a guy like me has to go and just eat the hamburger."
Nate looked at me with those eyes, pitying eyes, and I felt like absolute shit. What kind of an asshole would say something like that?

Such feelings disappeared immediately upon Joey wrapping her arm around me. It was so nice to be physically close to someone. I was also noticing the particular way she smelled, and though it was just sweat, there was something else about it that was pleasant. Other things about her, like her attitude, her disposition, the way she reacted to other people: I did not pay attention to them so much.

I was beginning to understand why Vu had described her as 'interesting'. She was very uppity. I noticed this gradually, as she would get into heated arguments with people around us at the drop of a hat. Also, she would sometimes out of nowhere take things I had said to her and use them against me for some reason -sadistic pleasure, or maybe her sense of humor depended on derision? She seemed to really hate a lot of people too, but maybe it was her way of making conversation. She was attractive though, under her goofy glasses and eccentric clothes she had a nice body and a nice face. And she would become very sweet when she had to confide something to me. It was two weeks into our thing, and she told me that she had kissed her female friend the other night. It was weird -but then again, all of this had been weird to me, hadn't it? The lesbian exploits actually seemed perfectly normal and plausible by the time they came up, for she had masterfully laid things on me one at a time and very slowly. I felt like I had no choice but to 'be cool with it'. And yes, as a man I could not help but think of the possibilities...
DANGER SIGN! DANGER SIGN! She can cheat on you with another girl and you're 'cool with it?' Those concerns vanished when she kissed me, of course.

A nearby lunch table began a campaign of throwing food at her in order to get her riled up. She always responded immediately and belligerently, cussing up a storm and threatening to beat up people, though she would of course get restrained by a teacher before it came to that. Hmm... I thought. I tried to tell her not to fall into the trap so easily, but she didn't seem to understand that it was her response that invited the proliferation.

In Spanish class, Julie asked me out of the blue if I was 'still' going out with Joey. I nodded yes very slowly, and immediately regretted it. If there was ONE person that I didn't want to know about it... but wait, I actually didn't want ANYONE to know about Joey, I realized. I was becoming painfully aware that the reputation I didn't know I had was going into the toilet. Hmmm.

I finally couldn't stand a certain problem in the equation, and I pressed. "I only see you here. Can't we do something outside of school?" I asked. She said, kind of reluctantly, "Sure, I'll call you." She called me Saturday morning, and said she and some friends wanted to see a movie, and that I should come and by tickets. I showed up late and met her two weird friends, who were full of piercings and makeup and odd clothes, and we watched 'The Beach'. It was a bad movie, and Joey put her legs up on me. After the movie, we went to her friend's apartment and she put on her McDonalds uniform and I walked her to work. I noticed that her goofy outfit and her disheveled hair and the striped socks kind of reminded me of some character in the McDonalds universe. After this, I had to find a bus to go home. The snow was melting and it was terribly inconvenient to bus because of the location and the time.

This wasn't going to last. She was just not what I wanted. She wasn't what anyone wanted for me either. The things I heard people say seemed to get worse and worse -there were rumors of shocking things that had gone on at some freshman dance in the fall, and one of the kids in my Japanese class made gestures of it (it... umm... required two hands). Also, Mr. Hohn the QuizBowl coach had even heard of us, and mentioned it privately to me at one meet, and also that she had gotten into a huge argument over how revealing her clothing was, refusing to put on a different shirt at the door, and Hohn had witnessed the entire spectacle. I was unable to respond.
In addition to that, Eric, a guy I had always respected if for nothing other than his humor, gave me heartfelt warnings (he had done so since the beginning, actually) that I stay away from her. I wish I had listened to him earlier.
It all made sense: she was a bad person. It was as simple as that, obvious even.

I was beginning to realize that what I had gotten with her was something I had specifically said that I was not desperate enough for -going out with some freshman girl I hardly know. She hadn't met even the most basic level of quality that I had set for myself. But she had invited me and I accepted. Weak. That's what I'd been: desperate.


DUMP!

Fortunately for me, she could not stand my presence much longer. Some time in the fourth or maybe fifth week (my perception of time was damaged), she sat me down at lunch for 'the discussion'. And she dumped me. It felt so relieving, so liberating, I was so happy to finally be free from her and her now clearly obnoxious attitude. But she still dumped me. I shouldn't have felt bad, but I did. I would miss the physical contact, for sure.

I was suddenly very VERY glad that I had not done anything with her beyond kissing (and her occasional groping at the crotch of my pants). I was ashamed of everything that I had fallen for, but it was something that I could put behind me. After all, everybody does stupid things like that, right? I was just then aware of how close I was, that had I put in the effort I could have lain this girl six days to Saturday -and then where would I be? If I was easily enticed by a simple fingersucking, I couldn't imagine what hypnosis I would have been subject to with further contact -my mind quite possibly would have just given up caring. And that was only half of the danger: there were diseases too, oh the diseases.

Beyond the physical, I was also aware of how much of a jerk I had become. She had rubbed off on me some of her meanness, some of her hysterical belligerence, and I had presented it. I remember quite clearly joining in to make fun of that sad guy who had a crush on her, who sat next to her though she hated him. And that was awful. I HATE mean people, and there I was taken in by one and gestating into my own version.

So the skinny was that she was dating at least two or three other guys at the same time as me, and had been even before she had found me. I got this information from Vu, and I wanted to strangle him.
WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME!?
He had known, he had known it all, he had known everything about her, and I had looked to him for the warning. I had blamed myself for the horrible experience, I blamed my weakness for her working me over. But now, now I blamed Vu. I blamed him for putting up with her, for not seeing the bad person in her, I blamed him for talking about her, I blamed him for bringing her into my proximity, and most of all I blamed him for letting her get me. Unfair? I didn't care. Heck, I blamed him for not outrightly saying that she was a dangerous loony.

I moved back into my corner of the lunch room and I was content -happy even, for the first time in a LONG while- to be back to my simple lonely self.

I found out that a few weeks later she had gone completely crackpot -tried to commit suicide again or something, and she was put away in an institution. I was very pleased to find that I didn't care in the slightest.

Compassion be damned! Long live indifference!

There's plenty of nice people in the world to care about, after all. Why bother worrying about the mean ones?

At long last, I had found good reason for bitterness. Someone I could hate, someone I could blame for my recent problems, someone I could focus on as a unique source of unhappiness. Someone who was a clear example of what I did not need: this horrible girl, Joey.

Maybe at this point, I was comfortable enough with myself not to need such a basic resentment toward someone -but it sure felt good.



(This was chapter number six of my personal accounts, "-Liking-: Refractions and Infractions" )
(Next chapter: "7) Awakening" )