And Now, Your Horrorscope

Capricorn--This will be a really bad day for you. Avoid using dairy products and refuse anything from the UPS guy. Stay at home and eat linguini all day.

Aquarius--Your toilet will overflow. Your basement will flood. A tsunami hits the beach you visit today. Get the picture?

Pisces--That voice in your head turns out to be a device implanted by aliens. They'll be coming for you today. It's a conspiracy!

Aries--A rampaging flock of sheep destroy your house and leave hoofprints all over the place. Get rid of the wool sweaters already!

Taurus--Hey, bullhead! You will die a mysterious death involving a bullhorn at a Chicago Bulls game. Don't say you weren't warned!

Gemini--Did you know that you have an evil twin with psychotic sibling rivalry emotional baggage? You'll find out today!

Cancer--Like the crab that you are, you'll discover your significant other has given you crabs! You might want to stock up on some medicated shampoo.

Leo--This is awful for you! You'll perish after being pushed off the Sears Tower while wearing a Lion King costume.

Virgo--A harmless game of Candy Land turns into an all-out orgy! Oh well, so much for that virginity thing.

Libra--That day in court could come sooner than you thought. Better flee to Argentina instead.

Scorpio--Scorpions are your best friends today. You discover one that sings and dances. You will become fabulously rich off of it.

Sagittarius--Watch out for Robin Hood at that Renaissance Fair today. He will set his sights on you and you will receive a nasty arrow wound to the buttocks.