The kids Dracul

This was written for the Stake and Garlic prompt, "Write a story about some unsuspecting children who figure out that all their relatives are vampires."
It's a total parody of the Dracula book, so if you haven't read Bram Stoker's classic yet, don't bother reading this story until you have :o)

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Extract from Johnny's diary:

Arrived in Transylvania on the train three hours late. Which is still better than the six hour delay we had from British Rail when we started out.

GCSE German seems to be lacking in some aspects - in that nobody seems to speak it other than people who've never been to Germany. However, managed to communicate with everybody by speaking English really slowly.

A letter was waiting for us at the Hotel from Uncle Vlad. He has a very gothic handwriting style, you'd think somebody rich enough to live in a castle would be able to afford a typewriter. Apparently there's a coach booked for us tomorrow. Seems a bit daft sending a coach for two people - a minibus would have been more than enough. How much luggage does he think we have? Even Mina only has enough to fill a medium-sized car.


A bat kept on fluttering against the shutters on my window when I tried to get to sleep last night. Solved the problem by catching one of the hotel cats, sticking it on the window sill, and closing the shutters. Slept fine after that.

The hotel owner's wife burst into tears when we tried to leave. Begged us not to go, saying how dangerous the roads were on Halloween. Spouted off about evil forces of darkness loose upon the world. I suspect it was all just a sales ploy as she flogged Mina a cheap fake-gold crucifix shortly afterwards.

The coach arrived. Silly me, thinking he meant a REAL coach. No, this is a big wooden box on wheels pulled by half-crazed horses and driven by a completely crazed driver. We're stopped at the moment as he's gone to look at a fire in the woods, God only knows why. Probably thinks it'll lead him to buried treasure or something equally daft. Hopefully he won't get eaten by wolves before he makes it back to the coach, as Mina is clinging to the ground and refusing to budge - she doesn't seem to like the "lovely black horses" too much any more. She did ask the driver to slow down a bit earlier, but he just muttered something about dead people traveling fast - she thinks this means he has a deathwish and is deliberately trying to make us crash and die.


I thought he was stopping to point out an interesting old ruin, but the driver has just announced this is actually the castle. I can't see any signs of a TV aerial - maybe there's a satellite dish on the far side?


Uncle Vlad looks the same as he writes - gothic. He wears black clothes and has very pale skin. He greeted us by asking us to enter freely and of our own free will. Seemed a bit put out by me pointing out that Mina was too crazed with fear to move and would have to be carried.

He dragged my bags to my room, muttering about servants being asleep already. Mina revived when I threw cold water over her, and then we went to supper. Uncle Vlad already ate, so we had the whole lot to ourselves. Apparently there's no laws about under-sixteens drinking in this country, as we finished off three of his bottles of very old wine without him saying anything. Mind you, I say "we", but Mina drank at least two of them herself.

Another pack of wolves started howling outside the window while we ate - is everywhere in this stupid country over-run by wolves? I guess we'll get used to it - Uncle Vlad called the din "music".

Luckily, he seems to be very interested in moving to England, so hopefully we'll only be staying here for a while before moving back home.


Have explored some of the castle - most of the doors are locked, and the open ones are full of junk. And dust. You'd think the servants would at least have access to a Dyson or something. Uncle Vlad still talks about England a lot - last night we were up till dawn talking to him about it. It wasn't until the cockrel crowed that he realised how late it was. Mina's snoring didn't seem to make it clear we wanted him to go away and let us sleep.

He seems to be a very busy man - we never see him during the day. Mind you, the same goes for the servants. They say that the mark of a good servant is that you never know they're there. I didn't think that extended to them hiding their footprints in the dust, but it just goes to show.


Mina really doesn't like it here, and doesn't seem to be getting on well with the count. She says this morning she was looking in the mirror to put her contact lenses in when Uncle Vlad said something to her and made her jump. She claims he has no reflection - I say she refuses to admit she's half blind without her contact lenses in. We'll never know, as Uncle Vlad smashed the mirror, claiming it encouraged vanity.

How anyone can think Mina could admire her own reflection is beyond me. Maybe he needs lenses too?

She also complains that all the doors that lead to the outside are locked, and claims she feels like a prisoner. I say that when I'm in a house surrounded by packs of wolves, I don’t want the doors to be easy to open.


Uncle Vlad has told us off for not writing to anybody back home yet. We pointed out that the reason we're here is that everybody we know is dead and we're orphaned, but he didn't seem to think that was a good excuse. Nor was the absence of a post office. So we've written a few letters - Mina to her old math teacher, explaining all the reasons she hated him, and me to my imaginary friend from when I was three. It doesn't really matter much, since the post system here is to hand your letters to a bunch of gypsies who are heading in the right direction.


Mina claims that Uncle Vlad is as suicidal as the driver was - she says she saw him climbing down the castle walls upside down last night. Suspect she's found a stash of that antique wine somewhere.


Stayed up last night and saw Uncle Vlad climb out of his window and down the wall. Head first. Stole a bottle of Mina's stashed wine and drank most of it. Feel much better now.


Asked Uncle Vlad about his nocturnal wall-crawling. He says he's a National Champion rock-climber and has to climb walls upside down in the dark to stay in shape. So that's cleared that up. I suppose the pointy, claw-like fingernails are to give extra grip. I had no idea we had a celebrity in the family. Wonder if he's been on TV?


Mina still very weird - claims she was exploring the castle last night looking for an exit, and three beautiful, half-naked women materialized and talked about kissing. She says they only left when they saw her crucifix.

Suspect they were three of the servants gossiping and horrified that somebody had actually seen them. Have promised Mina that I will go and look for them. She gave me her crucifix and said it would help me drive them away. Have thrown it away - why would I want to scare away three half-naked women talking about snogging?

I need a cold shower.


Found Mina's women. Was really getting somewhere when Uncle Vlad came back from his rock-climbing training. He seemed really upset - maybe they're his girlfriends, not servants? He left a bag with them - must have been his climbing gear needing laundry. Women's lib doesn't seem to have made it into this backward country, so expecting them to do his laundry doesn't rule out them being girlfriends.


Uncle Vlad got us to write some more letters. I wrote to Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Superman, and the fluff that always accumulates under the fridge. Mina wrote to Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny, and God, begging them to come and rescue her.


We have visitors! A young couple were traveling past the castle when they got a puncture, so they're staying the night here.

Uncle Vlad insisted they sleep in separate bedrooms even though they're newly married - for a man with three half-naked servant girls, he seems unusually conservative.

The woman's room is right above mine. I might see if I can climb up the wall and see her undress.


Climbed the wall. Uncle Vlad had beaten me to it - I looked through the window and saw him kissing her neck while she squealed and wriggled about.

Wonder if he'll tell me his chat-up lines?


Woke up this morning, no sign of the couple. Guess they left early. Wonder if he noticed the love bites on her neck? Hope they make it through the honeymoon before filing for divorce...


There's a woman down in the courtyard. She keeps yelling about Uncle Vlad and claiming she wants a child from him. Dirty old man seems to have girlfriends everywhere. Have thrown down a page I ripped out of one of Mina's girly magazines that's all about IVF treatments - maybe it'll shut her up.


The magazine didn't work. The wolves did. Will talk to Uncle Vlad about getting more locks fitted to the outer doors.


Mina really getting on my nerves - says the half-naked serving girls appeared out of the dust in her room last night. She hid under the bed waving her crucifix around until they went away.

Why don't they come into MY room at night? It's just as dusty as hers!

Have offered to change rooms with Mina. She accepted but said she wouldn't leave her crucifix behind. I said good.


They didn't show up. The dust got blown around by the drafts tho, and I amused myself by trying to see shapes in the swirls for a while. When the swirling dust motes started looking like the girls, I decided I was obviously so tired I'd started hallucinating. Stuffed a pillow under the door to stop the drafts, waited for the dust to settle out, and went to sleep.


Decided to have a go at climbing the castle walls - might get lucky and find the girls' rooms. Instead, found a room full of boxes, with a big mirror on one wall. Curious, I went in and looked in them. They were mostly full of dirt, except one which was full of Uncle Vlad, who was sleeping on the dirt.

Baffled, I went and got Mina to see if she had any ideas. At first she refused to go anywhere near it, but when I told her there was a mirror in it she could take, I had to stop her from breaking down the door. We went in via the window again, and I showed her Uncle Vlad. She said he was probably agoraphobic and the dirt was probably an orthopaedic treatment for backache. I could tell she wasn't really interested in anything but the mirror, so I decided to get it out of the way and then have a conversation when she wasn't so distracted.

In wrestling it down off the wall, we caught the sunlight shining through the window, and it reflected onto Uncle Vlad. He screamed and dissolved into dust.

Turn up for the books, eh?

Uncle Vlad obviously a vampire. Explains a lot. Mina still hasn't noticed, she's so glad to have her contact lenses in again she's stumbling around the courtyard and giggling every time she sees something more than two feet away.

Suspect that the three girls are also vampires. Will leave a saucer of blood next to my bed tonight and see if they turn up.

End of journal, except for a splash of blood at the bottom corner of the page...