Of Death And Dying...

OF DEATH AND DYING…


My body was wracked with shudders. The pain was overwhelming. My breathing was almost non existent. Another wave of pain engulfed me. I couldn’t breathe….wouldn’t breathe. And at the last moment I didn’t want to breathe. And then my body relaxed. Almost as if it was relieved at my decision to stop the painful act of breathing. The shudders stopped. The pain stopped. The pain stopped. Everything came to a standstill at one moment of perfect stillness.
Was I dead now? I wondered. And then I looked down to see my body surrounded by my wife, and my son and daughter-in-law, and my doctor. Looked down? Was I up? I looked around. Yes! I was somewhere behind the ceiling fan watching everything going on below. I was too fascinated to even say anything.
As I looked on, the doctor felt for my pulse and listened for my heartbeat….or should I say that the doctor felt for the pulse and the heartbeat of my body? Well, anyway, does it matter now? After his confirmation of my death, my wife let out a loud wail and my daughter-in-law ran to comfort her with some more tears. My son just stood there looking stunned.
My bewilderment at every person’s reaction was instant. During my lifetime, at any given point of time, I could not have predicted this. Why does love always become more important when we don’t have it? They were always there when I needed them. Now I understood. But it was too late. My choice was made. I couldn’t do a damn thing about it now. And as these various emotions tried to catch up with me I tried to distance myself from them.
Doing what came naturally to me I tried to run away from emotional entanglements. Because I knew what happens when you get involved. You depend on someone and when that person lets you down, you get hurt. So I ran away. I couldn’t watch this….my family crying for me. Sad for me. Sorry for all the wrongs they had done to me. I couldn’t bear it. I had to run away.
I turned around. Almost as if I had wished it, I began to soar. Towards what? I didn’t know. My curiosity got he better of me. When I was alive, I used to wonder sometimes where we went when we died. Now finally I was going to find out. Was there Heaven or Hell like all the stories that we used to read? Well. Now I was going to find out. I couldn’t wait.
I found myself going very fast.(I knew I was going very fast because everything around me was rapidly falling behind!) By and by, I found myself going through this long, dark tunnel. To where? I didn’t know. I tried to see what was at the end of this tunnel. I saw a small white spot. I shrugged. It could be anything.
As I moved closer, and faster, I deciphered that there actually was light at the end of the tunnel. I felt an almost childlike exhilaration. The light was getting brighter and brighter. I almost couldn’t see for the intensity of the brightness. Suddenly, in a flash I sensed that I was going to go in it!!
The moment before I passed through the light, I thought to myself – this could be heaven or this could be hell!!
I passed through the light. No. Saying only just that would belittle this experience. It would not suffice. Even though I went through it in simply one moment, so many things happened all at one time. Almost as if that moment was in slow motion.
The light seeped through my very being. Its brightness permeated my every depth. Its whiteness enmeshed itself in the very core of my being. And for one perfect moment I was one with the light. I was part of it. Suddenly all of my self was at peace. All the curiosity that I had ever felt was satisfied. This was probably the thing that I had been searching for all of my life. And suddenly at the moment of coming at terms with my dying, I felt more alive than I had ever felt before.
And then just as it had come, that moment vanished. I came out of the light. Now I was curious to see what was beyond the light. I moved along now. The tunnel seemed to continue for a few moments longer. Till it opened into another world.
I felt like Alice when she followed the Rabbit though the door only to find herself in the Strange Garden. Well, actually, I was in a strange garden. It was a giant Golf – Course type landscape that I had perceived in front of me. I wondered for a while. Was this where I was to spend the rest of my life…er…death?? Well, whatever!!
The sky was blue. The grass was green. There were trees full of fruits and flowers. This world seemed to be in perpetual spring - time. As I moved, I also saw a river. But it was a strange place. very quiet. Almost perfect. Almost. There were no birds in the blue sky. No bees on the red flowers. No ants in the green grass. And there was nobody. No people…or should I say souls?
Was this solitary confinement going to be where I was to spend the rest of my days till…till…forever?? I couldn’t bear the thought. I moved along from the river to try and see the rest of the place. As I turned around, I nearly collided with him.
"Oh, I am sorry!"
"No its alright. You didn’t know I was behind you," he said.
I looked at him. He looked like a round ball of white light, just like the one I had passed through. But sometimes flashing little bits of colour. A little bit of red, a bit of blue. But all in all he was pure white.
I almost sensed his smile at my impolite appraisal. I flushed with embarrassment.
"No, no," he said. "Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone is curious of all this in the beginning. Its all so new, you know!"
"You mean, I look like this too?", it came out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
His laugh sounded so pure, like the laugh of a child. Just like bells tinkling in the distance. I once knew someone who laughed just like that. The thought had come unbidden in my mind. I pushed it away resolutely.
"Yes, you look like this too!", he pronounced.
"Where are we? Are we alone here? What is this place? What are we doing here? Who are you?", the questions just tumbled out.
He came towards me. I could almost feel him put his arm around me. I shook my head to clear the feeling. How could one ball of light put his arm around another ball of light? Come to think of it, how could I even shake my head?
Almost as if sensing my predicament, he said, "Don’t worry! I will explain it all to you. That is why I am here. You can say that I am your ‘Tour Guide’ of ‘The Valley Of souls’."
"See this place? everyone comes here after passing through the white light. That is ‘The River Of Forgetfulness’," he said as he pointed to the river that I had seen.
"So, where is everybody?", I asked.
"All in good time! You are in no hurry, you know! You have forever to get acquainted," he laughed. Almost sounding bitter.
Was that sarcasm? I turned to look at him. I could see bright flashes of red and green go through him. If only for a moment, I felt his anger. Was this guy dissatisfied with this place? I shrugged. None of my business.
And then he began to tell me. The gist of his long speech was that this was ‘The Valley Of Souls’, and that this was the place where I was to spend the rest of Forever. It was a whole new world full of pace and satisfaction. All the souls lived (?) here, spending their time here doing whatever they wanted. A few others roamed all around the place. There was so much to see , he told me, that it would not fit in one lifetime. All kinds of beauty was here.
This was Heaven.
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"So tell me, what do you want to do? Do you want to see the world now or do you want to meet the others first?"
I smiled. Of course I wanted to meet the others first.
‘The Place’ as they called it was not a co-operative housing society for the souls as I had thought. It was just a…well…place where there were so many souls in one…er…place. I was apprehensive. Who would I meet? Somebody I knew? Someone famous? Someone notorious?
I was nervous. But I went along. There were a lot of people I met. Some I knew. Most I didn’t. ‘The Place’ was vast. And he seemed to know everybody. As for me, I couldn’t even remember the name of the third last person that I met. He knew them all. And there were more! God! Heaven was full, I thought ruefully. Well, it had to be. What with so many dying and all!!
Then I saw her – no I heard her. her laugh. Just like a tinkling bell. I turned to see her. She was just as I had remembered her. Wild, free, full of joy and laughter. I couldn’t stop myself. Of my own volition I moved to stand in front of her. she looked up from whoever she was joking with to see who had stood in front of her. She saw me. A flash of black and brown went through her. Sadness and despair. But only for a moment. And then it was gone. Replaced by a joyous light. Happiness.
"Hello," she said softly. I just went on staring at her. it had been so long. So very long. I reached out my arms and held her. Just held her for a moment. The both of us were engulfed in one big blinding flash of light and joy. Almost as if both our souls had merged together. Yes! This was Heaven! This was happiness. So happy was I that I almost wished that I could cry. I, who had never shed a tear in all my life.
And then the moment passed. I don’t know who moved first. We were apart. I kept staring at her. and my mind leapt into the past.
I remembered the moment when she’d died. Right in front of my eyes. Right after we’d fought. Over something trivial. A balloon. She had wanted one. I had refused. So she’d run. Her eyes full of tears, she hadn’t seen the truck coming. I had rushed in after her. but it had been too late. My little daughter had died right in front of my eyes. And at that last moment, I’d wished that if I had but one chance, I’d beg her forgiveness.
And now I had that chance.
I looked at her. "My daughter," said I , "I am sorry. I’m so very sorry!" I wished that I could cry. I wished that I could show her how I felt. "Can you ever forgive me for what I did?"
She just went on staring at me. Not saying anything, she just stared and stared.
"Who is he?", she spoke to him.
I turned around perplexed. My ‘Tour guide’ was standing right behind me. As I looked at him he answered her.
"Nobody", he replied. "He’s just a lost soul trying to atone for his past sorrows."
"Yes, I can see that," she replied. "But I felt something too, when he held me. Am I to know him?"
"No. You feel this due to your goodness. He is nobody to you now."
It seemed to satisfy her as she went back to whomever she was joking with before.
I looked at him, stunned. Why had he said that? She was my daughter! I had to tell her! maybe he didn’t know! I had to do something! But before I could do anything, he held my hand and gently pulled me away from there.
"Come," he said, "I will tell you all."
We moved out of the gathering of souls to a small grassy spot. We sat down under a tree. He held my hand as he spoke.
"She is your daughter. But she won’t know you now. You had made a wish when she had died, and since the wish was from the depths of your soul, it was granted to you. You asked for her forgiveness. But between the time of her death and your death, a lot of years have passed. She was reborn. She was required to forget her past life for that purpose. And she did. That is why she doesn’t know you now."
"Does this mean that she will never know me now?"
"Yes. She will never know you now. And you don’t try telling her. She won’t understand. It will surely do you no good."
"Does this mean that….she is here now. You said that she was reborn. But she is here now. Does this mean that she….she…."
"Yes. She died again," he spoke, while holding my hand tightly.
"Oh God! Oh God!", I screamed in pain. I couldn’t bear it. It was too sad. I had to get away from this desolation that was threatening to engulf me. I moved from there. I ran. My soul spiraled through the peace and quiet of ‘The Valley Of Souls’. I was tortured with this sadness. I had to escape. I had to find peace. Somewhere. Anywhere. Where could I forget and let go? Where? Oh! But where was such a place?
This was Hell.
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I did not know for how long I had spiraled in the sky like this. But slowly all the sadness had seemed to drain out of me. I didn’t know how long. It took me a long time. Eons? Who knew? Who cared? All I knew was that I could not stay in this place any longer. No amount of time would heal my wound. I had to forget it all. I had made my decision. I had to forget.
I had no choice. But I didn’t know how.
Then I remembered something that he had told me. To be reborn, you had to forget your past life. That was what had happened to my daughter as well, wasn’t it? I heaved a sigh of relief. Good idea!
Maybe then I would forget. Maybe then I would find my peace.
I stopped. Where was I? I looked around in order to reconnoiter. In all that running I had lost track of where I was!
I had to go back. I had to find him. I had to ask him how to go about being reborn. I turned and nearly collided with him. Again!
"Oh! I’m sorry!"
"No, its alright. You didn’t know that I was behind you," he said.
I smiled at him. "I have to forget. I want to be reborn. Tell me how to do it, please," I begged.
"Are you very sure?" he asked calmly.
"Yes," I answered.
"Come with me," he said. A flash of black and brown went through him. He took me to the river bank where he had first found me. "This is ‘The River Of Forgetfulness’ – you know that. When you enter this river, you will forget everything. And when you will flow with it you will find yourself in the ‘Sea Of Souls’. From there, you will go through another tunnel, like the one you had come through when you had come here. At the end of this tunnel, you will find yourself reborn."
I sighed. I turned and looked at him. I had but one question. "Is she happy here?"
"Yes," he answered simply, calmly.
I felt reassured. I could go now. I entered the river.
As I stood in the river, I thought to myself. There is no separate Heaven or Hell. You want Heaven – you got Heaven. And if you want Hell – you got Hell. It was all in how you took it.
And as I went deeper in the river, it all started to go. I forgot. I was at peace. The pain….the sadness…it all vanished into forgetfulness. At last there was happiness. And then a blank emptiness took over as I flowed on towards who knew what? I couldn’t wait to see….
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He turned around to see them watching from behind the trees and the shrubbery. As the new soul went into the river, they came out to face him.
"Well done," said one of them. "Another one gone."
"Yes," said another. "Good work!"
"You will be rewarded for the part that you have played in reducing the population of ‘The Valley Of Souls’." They all congratulated him and left to take their place behind the trees once more, whispering amongst themselves, arguing their theories.
He shrugged and moved on. Working with ‘The Population Control Board Of The Valley Of Souls’ was not his idea of a grand job. But it did give him something to do. Otherwise he would get bored in this place within no time. And come to think of it, he was probably doing those poor souls a big favor….saving them from a fate worse than Death…eternal boredom in a place that was perfect.
They had all been Economists when the had been alive. And now they were all testing their theories here in the Valley. ‘Overpopulation’ they’d told him, ‘was not going to be a problem here in the Valley. We will leave that for the people who are alive.’
He moved on to the next soul that he had been assigned to. It was a hell of a job.

But a soul’s gotta do what a soul’s gotta do!!
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.THE END.


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