A Man's Guide to Relationships

As long as men and women have been together, men have always found themselves in that most humiliating of places... the dog house! How do we get there? Why we are sent there! "What have I done wrong?" is the perpetual cry.

Here, at last, I have devoted a significant amount of my time to working out the complexities that are relationships.

Please bear with me while I write this item... more polls will be added on a regular basis!

How to use this scorecard

Like everything in life, this item comes with rules that should be followed. Now these rules might seem unfair, but you have to remember... this is a poll for men to help us with Women! It's not like I invented them! (honest!)

You might find it helpful to use a pen and paper to record your scores (I had tried to put these into a poll or survey item type, but there are simply too many questions to ask... Sorry )

Making a first impression

You're elbow to elbow at your local watering hole.

You don't know her and she doesn't know you...

And as soon as you open your mouth she is judging you. If you want to loose points fast just:

Tell her she looks like someone famous...
         ·Like, say, Pamela Lee -6
         ·or Tommy Lee -500

Like her, youve been told you look like someone famous...
         ·like, say, Geroge Clooney -10
         ·or George Burns -35

Complain about being burdened with a 'gift'...
         ·like, say, tremendous wealth -10
         ·or academic brilliance -12
         ·or genital size -15

         ·yell "Party!" -24
         ·yell "Fire!" -125

Say...
         ·"What you need is drink" -15
         ·"What you need is a back rub" -20
         ·"What you need is a nose job" -30

Introduce yourself...
         ·followed by your job title -15
         ·followed by the make of your car -16
         ·and brag about your humidor -17
         ·and show her your scars -47

Talk about...
         ·your political views, left or right -17
         ·the artistic talents of Benny Hill -34

         ·go off on conspiracy theory tangents -20
         ·try to make her frightened of her tap water -30
         ·ask her if she has ever been abducted by aliens -50
         ·forget to remove the name tag from your most recent Star Trek convention -75

         ·say, "I think I can take him" -15
         ·while referring to the elderly man in a wheelchair -50

         ·say, "you'd be great in a movie" -14
         ·then outlining her face with your hands as though you were picturing her on film -40

         ·brag that you lnew Billy Idol before he was famous -20
         ·brag that you are Billy Idol -30

         ·mention that you can get backstage passes to something cool +3
         ·then when she calls you on it, change the subject -45

         ·get to know her really well, make her laugh and act charming +5
         ·until the waiter comes around for drink orders, and then you slink back into the darkness

         ·talk like Oprah ("Go, girl!") -20
         ·dress like Oprah -478

         ·make sure she can see your labels -20
         ·even though you buy your stuff from QD's -80

Progress Point 1

So how did you?

    Scored more than -1001
    Scored -1000 to -500
    Scored -500 to -1
    Scored 0 to 100
    Scored 200 or more

You've gained entry

Coming soon!