Hyper-Holidays

Ahhh, the holidays. A time to remember others, to be thankful for what we have and to promote peace and love for our fellow man.

Yee-ah, right!

If all of that is the object of the holidays, can someone explain, please, the "Day After"? You know, the "Day After" is when every store in the entire world suddenly must have a sale of gi-normous proportions. A One-Day-Only, 10-50% off sale with an extra 20% off that if you have the coupon in the flyer from your local paper.

The same paper your neighbor stole because she's too cheap to buy her own so she hid in your bushes and waited 'til the paper boy let fly then, making a dive Greg Loughainis would've been proud of, she snatched it from mid-air and scuttled back to her house, slamming her door and thereby robbing you of that extra 20% off the 50% off sale!

Yep, love for our fellow man just permeates the air.

Personally, I blame the department stores. They are so bent on getting more sales than their rivals that they've turned the holidays into a huge competition. A rather fierce one, at that. Why, just the other day in our mall, as I was resting my weary, sale-battered body, I witnessed a horrific sight.

A man who had obviously finished his shopping early was innocently walking past a JC Penney store when, like one of those trap-door spiders you see on the Discovery Channel, a store worker leapt from behind a rack of 10% off Christmas sweaters. Knocking the poor, confused man down, she proceeded to drag her stunned victim toward a 75% off Summer-wear rack. The mans' terrified wails for help echoed from the walls, unheeded by the dedicated Safari Bargain Hunters around him.

Now, I ask you, is there a more horrendous sight than that of a man who's gotten all his shopping done...early!?

As for the stores, they push the holidays earlier every year, urging the consumer to buy now, hinting that waiting will not only be detrimental to their pocket book but that (horrors) there might not be anything left to purchase at some later date. A terrifying thought that can bring the strongest woman to her knees.

Now, I don't mind a little hard selling, it's the basis of free commerce. I do tend to get a little testy, though, when they're promoting Thanksgiving and Christmas at Easter time. I suppose it is easier to just leave the decorations up year round. I mean, all that fuss to take them down and pack them carefully away when they're going right back up in only three months? Really!

And what about us? Some of you people start stringing lights and setting out Santa, Frosty and Nativities almost before Halloween. If the Christmas tree were available, you would have it up November 1st. As it is, the tree gets left up 'til it's so dry that the Fire Department declares your living room a national fire hazard and brings in a back hoe to dig a fire-break around your home.

And, I'm sorry, but people who leave Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations up in their yards until July need to be smacked and forced to stand on their front lawns flapping and hooting like owls (well, the police tend to frown on tar-n-feathering).

I suppose my point of view regarding the holidays is slightly warped, but one can only take so many repeats of Burl Ives singing "Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas" before turning psychotic. I think that, this year, humanity should slow down, take a deep breath and attempt to focus on what the holidays are really all about.

Uh... does anyone remember what that is?