The Scoop on Poop

People had always wondered what the meaning of life is, what makes the world go 'round, and even scientists have tried to find one theory that sums up everything in the universe. Am I talking about philosophy, or religion, or even string theory? No, this is something more substantial, an everyday thing that life cannot occur without: shit.

Before you laugh and think I am joking, I have done extensive research on the subject (no, I don't go around looking at and experimenting with shit), and have come to the conclusion that the answer to everything is none other than shit.

First of all, so many things have been compared to shit. In the wintertime, it is cold as shit outside, but when you take a sip of some coffee and burn your tongue it is as hot as shit. Paradox? I think not. Shit spans all extremes in any situation. After you get off of an exciting ride, or saw a great movie, you say that it was cool as shit, hence being good. But if you are sick, you feel like shit, which is not so good. And how many times has one looked like shit too? So, everything can be compared to shit, making it the most universal thing there is.

Secondly, there is no animal out there that cannot live without taking a shit. It's a part of life. What we put in our bodies eventually turns to shit. And some forms of animal shit is used as fertilizer, giving life to plants. How productive is that? Shit is important to keeping plants fertile, and plants eventually become our food which enters our bodies. So the circle of life is also the circle of shit. When we don't shit, it hurts, as it does when we shit too much. It's all a part of a delicate balance.

Of course, there is the question as to why it is called taking a shit, when you are in fact leaving a shit. Will someday this question be solved? Maybe a future follower of shit theory will find the answer to how one takes and leaves at the same time. For now, the question is hard as shit to answer, just like this one: if you take a shit in the forest and no one is there to smell it, does it stink? A new school has even been dedicated to this innovative study. One can attend Poop University and learn all the concepts so far in the field, and even get a degree. I suggest you look into it sometime; how would you like to get a B.S. from P.U.?

As opposed to taking a shit, one can also give a shit as well. While the literal meaning of this is considered rude (after all, nothing says lovin' like a big stinky turd), when one gives a shit it shows that they care. So, show me that you give a shit about this new theory, and next time you are on the toilet and smell the waste you left behind, be proud that you have given something to the world by taking a shit, for life cannot go on without it.

Also, you can be rid of shit by several means. You can be scared shitless, or someone can annoy the shit out of you. Am I shitting you? No shit, Sherlock! Some people may think this piece of writing is the shit, or they may say that it is a piece of shit. No matter what you think of this commentary, I say this to you: shit happens.