Letter to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

How does that crystal ball work anyway? If I had a way to watch what people were doing, oh man the things I could do. Oops. Never mind that. I'm sure that's your secret anyway, so you don't have to tell me, dude.

So, you're probably asking why I am writing you this letter. I know you get millions of letters from people all over the world, from fan mail to gift requests to asking questions. Did you get one a few years ago asking how Mrs. Claus was in bed? My friend sent that one, not me. But if you want to let me know the answer so I can tell him, that would be cool. But anyway, back to my reason for this letter. I wanted to see if I could be on the nice list this year, despite some of my misdoings.

First off, dropping that stink bomb behind the Salvation Army Santa in front of Wal-mart was only to get a laugh out of the little kids. I didn't mean to soil (no pun intended) your reptuation, even if that one boy did call him Poopy Claus.

Also I do not have to explain myself for borrowing my girlfriend's sweaters, you already know why. I'm sure you've even "borrowed" some of Mrs. Claus' stuff too.

I do apologize for calling Lively old and teasing Orions Moon about her strangled mouse voice due to her being sick. You know as well as I do that Lively is young and vivacious and very sexy, and Orions Moon has a voice that any guy would pay $3.99 a minute to hear. Of course, I have to put in a good word for La Belle Rouge, who can turns the hardest heart soft and the softest...well, you know.

So please consider me for the nice list this year, and I promise I will leave you some extra cookies and milk this year...or is it cheese that you want?

Your pal,
Mark