Letter to Santa

FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE CEO NORTH POLE P.L.C.

Dear “Santa”

I write in reference to an unsolicited e-mail I received to day from your firm. This item of spam (and it is spam I’m not one to beat around the bush, I call a spam a spam) was the most insidious instance of manipulative double talk I have witnessed in many a month, and reflects little credit on a supposedly altruistic and benevolent organisation.

From the first moment the disingenuous pamphleteering commences, consider the heading…

”A Special Message From Santa”

This apparently innocuous title, one assumes is intended to grab the attention of the unwary, the juvenile or the feeble-minded. Yet it is predicated on a lie – the enormous myth upon which your multi-million pound (or should I say dollar) operation is founded.

Personally, I would feel greater respect for you and would be more likely to patronise your services, if you showed a little more transparency and just came out and admitted the simple fact that Santa does not exist.

Whilst it is an open secret that the Santa Claus phenomena is a conspiracy amongst toy manufactures and Hollywood to hoodwink parents into masquerading as this fictional character in order to boost sales of tackily marketed toys and film merchandising ephemera. It is not so well known that the whole Father Christmas charade was originally created to push narcotics to a pliant consumer base.

The “Santa Claus” we know today is a corruption of the harmless Scandinavian Saint Nicholas, given a make-over at the turn of the last century by the insidious “Coke-a-cola” corruption. Even today Santa wears the red and white livery of this most disreputable of firms. At the time of Santa’s rebranding the sickly sweet concoction contained Class A narcotic – Cocaine. Is it any wonder that he is perennially associated with “snow”?

Your spam continues …

“Santa is making a list of all the good children”

What is “he” a CIA agent? I trust the “list” is compliant with the Data Protection Act, and that all information is kept confidential, I imagine a list of “good” children will prove very popular with certain deviant individuals.

”He wants to know if you’ve been naughty or nice. So that all the well behaved children can receive the presents they wish this yuletide.”

This statement appears innocent enough at first sight, but when one considers it further, an insidious motive is apparent. Your message is nothing more than an attempt to cajole juvenile compliance with the promise of a seasonal reward. Behaviour control by bribery! Is Ritalin not working anymore?

When you look even deeper at this arrangement an even darker agenda emerges. Since the presents that Santa so generously distributes are actually paid for by parents, it stands to reason that children from more affluent homes will receive the more expensive presents.

So this linking between behaviour and presents means that class divisions will emerge – Little Angels get a Pony, Reasonably well behaved kids get a play station, little scamps receive a board game and naughty kids get nothing. What kind of message is that for the next generation? Rich good, poor bad!

So write to Santa’s North Pole workshop today to tell him what you want this year and he’ll deliver your dream present this Christmas Night

And your parents will get his invoice before New Year.

Yours contemptuously

Michael Moore.