Loving You, Till Death Us Do Part

God has a wicked sense of humor. I know everyone believes that He is a loving and beneficent deity but it simply isn't true. Take me, for example.

When I was alive, I was a man of real influence in the world, my actions and comments literally affected the world around me. I was at the top of the food chain, in a manner of speaking.

I married for position, money and political gain not for love, or so I'd thought. In my lifetime, women threw themselves at my feet and what kind of man would I have been to have turned them away? Not a very good one in my book.

So there were a few indiscretions along the way. You know, the kind that start out with "Is there anything else I can do for you," and end up between silk sheets? Well, the way I looked at it was like this; if God hadn't intended women to throw themselves at me, He wouldn't have made me so attractive to them.

Once in a while I would feel a little guilty and there were even a few times my wife almost caught me, but the people who worked for me always came through with a nice save, know what I mean?

We had a daughter and she was the apple of my eye until she became a teenager and began acting the cold fish; she takes after her mother you see? She would flirt, tease, lead boys around by their noses until she'd milked them for whatever trinket or purpose suited her then toss them out like old shoes. Yeah, she was Daddy's little girl alright, that's one thing she got from me, knowing when to fish or cut bait.

Eventually I did get caught and what a mess that turned out to be, publicly humiliated, almost cost me my job, I had to lay low for awhile and play nice with the wife. She knew how to play her cards right, I'll give her that.

She stayed by my side and for once didn't harp or nag at me incessantly from morning to night. Nope, she just smiled and appeared supportive, people often wondered why she didn't leave but she just said something about "God taking care of His own" and left it at that.

Well, eventually I lost my job, and she became the bread winner of the family, our daughter went off to college and I eventually killed myself because I had to get away from my wife.

Remember that sense of humor I spoke of earlier? Well, it turns out those vows you speak in church, you know; love, honor, obey, richer and poorer, sickness and health, till death us do part? I found out the hard way that suicide doesn't count and now my soul spends the days attached to the area directly surrounding my wife.

I'm always near her, I spend more time with her now than when I was alive! Hell, what's worse is that I can hear her thoughts, not just her voice and tell me that isn't a punishment!

Why, she even remarried-didn't even mourn me, I know because I was there listening to the voice in her head and in the last few years she's actually moved on with her life. She even got my old job!

When I was alive she used to say, "Bill, I could do your job better than you." and I would look at her and laugh and then I'd tell her, "Hillary, just turn over and go to sleep."