Perseus and Medusa

King Acrisius of Argos didn't have a lot going for him. He was a weak, vain, jealous toadie. The only good thing about him was his beautiful, sweet daughter Danae. When she got old enough, she had a massive quantity of suitors. But her dad was totally paranoid that any guy she'd marry would overthrow him. So he consulted the Oracle at Delphi (who was like an ancient form of the Psychic Hotline).

The news he got wasn't very encouraging. He was told his future grandson would kill him instead.

He, like, freaked out big time and had Danae locked up in a brass tower with no doors (how'd he get her in there anyway?!). There was only one small slit to provide light and air. The place was surrounded by a high wall and he had it guarded 24/7. He knew he could've had his daughter murdered but was worried that whatever god/dess had made her such a hottie would've killed him in revenge.

One day Danae was rained on by a shower of gold that transformed magically into a total hunk of manliness. It didn't take them long to start bumping fuzzies. Before you knew it, she got knocked up and then gave birth to a son. Bet you saw that one coming, eh?

King Acrisius totally freaked out when he discovered she'd had a kid while she was on solitary confinement. He was still paranoid the gods would have their revenge if he killed his daughter and grandson. So he had them put into a rudderless, sailess, oarless boat without food or water. Then he had them set adrift in the sea. Yeah, that was a MUCH more humane way to deal with them.

Well, Zeus took pity on her. After all, he was the one who'd been her lover in disguise and gotten her preggers. He and the other gods got together to watch over her and the baby. Hermes made the clouds rain down gently so she'd have drinking water. Poseidon also gave her fish to eat. She survived just fine out there in the middle of the sea.

So Danae finally washed up in a safe harbor on the island of Sephiros. A nice fisherman named Dictys took her and her baby boy, Perseus, home. He let them live with him and his old lady. They all got on pretty good because Dictys didn't have any kids of his own.

Perseus grew up to be a strong young man. His mom was still a hottie by then when the king of Sephiros took notice of her. She must've worked out a lot at the gym.

His name was King Polydectes and he wasn't any better than Danae's own dad. He was also a vain and jealous toadie. Perseus was at the top of his hate list because the king thought his mom wasted too much of her time raising him. Where were his priorities?

It was a good thing Danae didn't like him though. She told him to bugger off.

On the day of some huge festival, the King asked for tons of presents from those who wanted to get on his good side (bribery, maybe?). Perseus was the only partygoer to show up empty-handed. But, clever lad that he was, he promised the king the head of Medusa.

You see, Medusa had pissed off the goddess Athena years ago. So Athena made her turn into a hideous monster with wicked staring powers along with her creepy sisters. Medusa and her siblings plotted revenge all the time, but that was just a pointless hobby of theirs.

Perseus thought it'd be a great idea to kill off Medusa because she kept turning people to stone every time they laid eyes on her face. What a great way for him to show off to the King!

So Perseus beseeched the gods for help. Athena agreed with his plans so she made some winged sandals for him. He was her half-brother after all.

Then he found out he had to get help from the Gray Sisters, who'd tell him how to kill Medusa. They were a creepy lot, sharing only one tooth and one eye. I bet they were fun at parties. Once he'd found them and swiped their eye (and tooth), they begrudgingly told him where to find the Nymphs of the West. These nymphs guarded a tree that Hera had planted.

So he went and looked them up. They were totally babelicious and tried their hardest to put the moves on him but he wasn't playing that. They finally gave up and told him where to find Medusa. They also told him how to kill her, a very useful bit of knowledge.

After flying around in his winged sandals for what seemed forever, Perseus found Medusa's island. I guess all the statues of people were a dead giveaway. Using his awesome shield as a mirror, he beheaded the snakey-haired freak after seeing her reflection. Yep, he was a pretty clever dude. Then he bagged up her head and took it with him.

On his way home, he flew by a pretty chick chained to a huge rock by the sea. There was a crowd of sad-looking folks standing around. It turned out Andromeda (which was the girl's name) was to be a sacrifice because her mom said she was hotter than the Nereids. The mermaids had overheard that, tattled to Poseidon, and pissed him off. He said he'd flood the town unless Andromeda was made a sacrifice. Sounds like Poseidon had some anger management issues, eh?

So Perseus used Medusa's severed head to turn the attacking sea monster into stone. Then he rescued her and was totally blown away by her good looks.

He went to ask her dad (the King of Joppa) for her hand in marriage but the old man refused. He basically said Perseus was a complete nobody! Where did this guy get his info?

Perseus talked some trash to the old king and then he took off with Andromeda. They were sooo out of there. When he got home, he found out King Polydectes had forced his mom into marriage (the cad!). They were throwing a big ole party at the time. He'd invited lots of royalty from neighboring kingdoms, including Acrisius who was Perseus' grandpa (the paranoid old man who'd started this whole mess).

Well, our hero whips out Medusa's head again and turns Polydectes to stone. He also nails his grandpa in the process, thus fulfilling the Delphic Oracles' prophecy. Funny thing about fate, eh?

It also turns out that Dicty's (that helpful old fisherman) was a remote relative of Polydectes. So then he became the king. He was a much better ruler, however, because he wasn't mental.

Years later Perseus got to be king after Dictys died. He built a temple to honor Zeus and Hermes and he gave back his magical gifts. The shield had Medusa's image burned into it permanently though. Athena kept it as a souvenir. And I imagine everyone lived happily ever after.