The Sunday School Lesson

The Sunday School Lesson

         How in the world was he going to do this? In the scheme of life's crises this was not a significant one. Every Sunday morning Dan served as the teacher in the Hosea Class of the Baptist church. The Hosea Class was comprised of fifteen men over the age of seventy-five years.

         Teaching these gentlemen had certainly been a challenge. In fact, Dan was well aware of the fact that any control that he had was portioned out to him by these senior gentlemen. Many of these men had served their country gallantly in times of War.

         Dan thought to himself, "These men have raised families, run businesses, been civic and public leaders, endured times of great crisis and buried their loved ones. The collective group of the Hosea Class represents more experience and wisdom than I could ever expect to gain."

         He was the pup of the group. He was a youngster of fifty years old. It was only the fact that he had experienced the trials of life himself that earned him the respect of the fifteen seniors of the Hosea class.

         It was Wednesday evening when Dan opened the teacher’s quarterly to see what the lesson for the upcoming Sunday morning would be. The passage was from the Song of Solomon, which he knew was a love letter between a man and woman. This short book located in the Old Testament also presented wonderful spiritual applications.

         “This could be interesting,” he thought. Then he read the focal topic of the lesson: “Maintaining Sexual Purity.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” he thought to himself. “These guys will have a field day with me.”

         He checked the front of the quarterly to be sure he had the senior material and not the young adults. He confirmed that he had the correct teaching aid.

         He mused to himself, “Why not? The Bible tells us that Abraham was 100 years old when he and Sarah had their first child. It could happen.”

         He considered skipping the lesson and going to the following Sunday’s lesson. He knew that would not work either. They would only rib him harder when they found out that he skirted the topic. No, his only option was to address it head on.

         As it has done for an eternity, Sunday dawned bright and early. Dan felt reasonably confident that he could teach this lesson on sexual purity to his class of "seventy-something" men. In any case, he would find out. Ten of the fifteen on the roll were in attendance on that day. Three of those on the roll were sporadic members in their attendance. They were missed but not expected to be there. Preston Reeves and his wife were vacationing with their son in Tucson; and, Bob Pritchard was in the hospital preparing for prostate surgery.

         After the small chat in the early moments of the class had subsided, they began the formal lesson as usual with a word of prayer. The men received their first clue that this was an unusual lesson when Dan inserted an extra phrase in his opening prayer, “…and Lord, give me extra insight and strength as I deliver this difficult lesson this morning…” After the “amen” several of the seniors curiously leafed through their quarterly to determine the topic of the lesson. With raised eyebrows and a faint grin they looked expectantly towards Dan.

         “Gentlemen, today we are going to discuss a Christian’s role and responsibility regarding sexual purity.”

         It was a good beginning. Dan figured he might as well start with the direct approach. Was it his imagination or did the room have an unusual amount of shuffling papers, sniffs, and coughs? Dan looked briefly around the room before he continued. Most of the men looked at him with the usual attentive stare. However, Homer Gentry, Carl Wilson, and Jerome Darling seemed to have strange grins hinting at their faces.

          “This could be trouble,” he thought to himself.

         “The Bible is actually a very romantic book.” Dan continued. “In fact our passage, today, is located in the Song of Solomon.”

                   ”May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
                   For your love is better than wine.
                   ”Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,
                   Your name is like purified oil;
                   Therefore the maidens love you.
                   ”Draw me after you and let us run together!
                   The king has brought me into his chamber.”

         Dan turned his attention to the men. He saw that some of them were searching the passage to confirm that the Bible actually said that. He saw that some of them, who knew full well that the Bible did indeed say that, were openly grinning at him now.

         Usually Dan had to coax and prod to get discussion going among the class members. At first it appeared that it would be no different that day. Discussion began slowly after Dan asked, “Now, what do you think that passage has to say about sexuality and Christians?” However, it built rapidly as different ones tossed in their contribution.

         Then Carl Wilson asked, “Should we do everything that we can to participate in this God given gift of sex, even if we are seventy years old?”

         Silence, there was silence in the class as each one of the men looked to Dan to respond. Homer Gentry and Jerome Darling were openly grinning at Dan, challenging him to extradite himself from this situation.

         “Well, Carl, I suppose if it is God given and it is a gift, then yes, I suppose you should do whatever it is you must do to claim the gift.”

         Carl grinned. “Well, what if the ‘ole git-up an’ go’ won’t git up?” Chuckles and grins rippled through the class. “You think we ought to use Viagra?” he said as a post script to his question.

         Dan's face was as red as a fire engine, “Carl, I suppose that if it’s an available resource and a man wants to use it, then it’s all right.”

         Homer inserted his two-cents now, “So if I understand you correctly, Dan, it’s our spiritual obligation to use Viagra. It’s almost a divine directive for us to do so. At least that’s how I see it.”

         Fortunately the class time had run its course. Dan concluded that there was certainly more that could be said; but it would have to wait until another time. He asked one of the men to lead in a closing prayer and said his own silent prayer of thanks that this moment was over.

         As Dan made his way to the sanctuary for worship service, he was unaware of the events that had been set into motion as a result of that one solitary Sunday School lesson. His first clue should have been the sight he observed at the entrance to the sanctuary. He saw Thomas Ledbetter and Jerome Darling wink at each other as they held the door open for the members of the Ruth Class, which was comprised largely of widows, mostly around the same age and even younger.

         The next few weeks passed relatively uneventfully, at least that was the impression that Dan had. He had not re-opened the subject of sex with his class on the following Sundays. He perceived that the topic was not forgotten. It was there under the surface, somewhat like a rip-tide. He left it alone. He let it run its own course without his intervention.

         Sometime, mid-week, he sat down next to Clarence Brewster to have a cup of coffee at the City Café. Like numerous small towns across the south, the local coffee shop was the watering hole where the true news was dispensed. Clarence owned the local drug store. He was the only pharmacist in town. Almost everyone came through his doors at one time or another. As such, Clarence knew who was sick and who was ailing. He knew who was about to increase their families and who were trying not to. He wasn’t a gossip. But, he did share a thing or two with those that he really respected, which was just about everyone.

         “Strange thing happening, Dan,” Clarence almost whispered as he stirred way too much sugar into his coffee. He waited on Dan to respond.

         “And what is that, Clarence?” Dan obliged.

         “Well, there appears to be an increase in product sales that I haven’t seen before. Can’t seem to put my finger on the cause.” Clarence was not going to offer any more information than he had to, unless Dan coaxed him.

         He coaxed, “What’dya mean Clarence?”

         “Well, recently the sales of Viagra have turned into a veritable Niagara. I have had to restock more often than usual. And the women have been buyin’ perfume and other toiletries that don’t usually sell as much.” Clarence paused again, awaiting another prompt.

         “And, what’s so unusual about that Clarence?”

         “Well, it seems that the folks buying those things are all over seventy-years-old, both the men and the women.” Clarence was finished. He now waited for Dan to give his opinion on the phenomenon. He was disappointed, because all Dan said was, “Oops.”

         “Could this virile undercurrent be the result of the Hosea sex lesson?” Dan mulled the question over in his mind like a broken record.

         A few more days passed. Things appeared to be normal and Dan had determined that perhaps he was making much ado about nothing. But, two events happened on two different days that convinced him that his Hosea class had been sexually boosted.

         The first event occurred in Clarence’s drug store a couple of days after he and Clarence had had their cup of coffee. It seems that Homer Gentry had entered the drug store on a mission. He had been deterred from his mission by the presence of Thelma Mae Bradford and Tessie Crawford, who were there to purchase a get well card for a friend. Homer chose to mill around the aisles and wait for the two women to leave the store before approaching the counter to talk to Clarence. However, the two women did not leave promptly. They stayed and wandered the aisles, it seemed aimlessly to Homer. Still he waited.

         The part-time salesgirl, eighteen-year-old Bobbey Jo Harris, noticed Homer milling around the far reaches of the store. That kind of thing often happened. It was her experience that men would wander for eternity before asking for help to find some product. She purposed to help the ole guy out.

         “Can I help you find something, Mr. Gentry?” she bubbled.

         “No, that’s OK Bobbey Jo. I’ll just wait for Clarence.” Homer responded quietly.

         “Now Mr. Gentry, I stock all these shelves. There isn’t a thing that I don’t know where it is.” She insisted.

         “It’s OK Bobbey Jo. I’ll wait.” Homer insisted. By this time Thelma and Tessie had began to watch.

         Bobbey Jo smiled her biggest smile and proclaimed in a slightly raised voice, “Now I just insist on you letting me help you. There’s just no telling how long it’s gonna be before Clarence is free and I’m supposed to help folks that come in here. Now you tell me what you’re looking for.”

         “OK, Bobbey Jo, OK.” Clarence leaned closer to Bobbey Jo and spoke in a low voice but a very clear voice. He only wanted to say this one time. “Bobbey Jo, where are the prophylactics?”

         Her forehead wrinkled. Her eighteen year old mind searched the lexicon of her brain to determine what it was that Homer was searching for. If he had said a “condom” she would have known where to go. She would have been embarrassed; but she would have known what he was talking about. But, this was something new. She was not going to let Homer know that she had failed him. So she played her "hole card." She asked Clarence. She asked Clarence from the far reaches of the store.

         “Clarence, we got any “proper lacktics?” She shouted in her most clerkly voice.

         Things happened. Thelma and Tessie's hands flew to their mouth simultaneously. Then in almost coordinated union they grabbed their chest. It was not a heart attack, just a reaction. Then they began to smile. Clarence negotiated the back workroom and the aisles in record time to take his place with Homer. Bobbey Jo retreated to the safety of the register, realizing that something that she did not quite understand had happened. Homer and Clarence completed their transaction quickly. And, as Homer walked from the store, Thelma and Tessie smiled at him.

         The story was fresh on everyone’s mind when the second event happened. Dan’s town was no different than hundreds of small southern towns. Every town has a place where sweethearts park and look at the stars on pleasant spring nights and practice loves ritual in whatever degree that they see fit. Harvest Hill Overlook was that place. At sometime or other, every sweetheart in the little town found their way to Harvest Hill Overlook. Occasionally, the police would make their rounds and break up the romantic interludes and monitor the general safety of the participants, not often but occasionally.

         It was on a particularly clear and pleasant spring night the sheriff’s deputy tapped on the fogged-up window of the Lincoln Town Car occupied by Carl Wilson and his wife June. It’s not quite clear what Carl and June were up to. But Dan had a feeling that it had something to do with the Song of Solomon. Deputy Spencer was the unfortunate law enforcement officer who interrupted Councilman Wilson and his wife as they conducted their Bible study. The good deputy was purported to say that as he was peering into the car it was not a pretty sight to see the 265 pound senior citizen and council person gasping for air and rearranging his clothing. To this day he says he can’t get the image out of his mind.

         Unfortunately for Carl and June, Helen Masters was serving as dispatcher that evening. Helen was known for dispatching news to more than just the police. That’s how it is in a little town of 2,500 people. However, that following May, Carl Wilson was re-elected to his council place by the largest margin that had ever been recorded in the town.

         Things in the little town were definitely different, at least among the senior citizen crowd. The changes were subtle. The married seniors could be seen holding hands, walking down the streets. The single men of the Hosea class were eating better. It appeared that the ladies of the Ruth class had been baking pies and cornbread with increased dedication. Dan didn't want to think about it. It seemed kinda like thinking about your parents having sex. You knew it happened but didn't want to go there. Dan assumed that others in the town had noticed the difference. Amazingly, however, no one was talking about it.

         Dan was convinced that the Song of Solomon had caused this increase in libido amongst his Sunday School class. He discussed it only with his wife, Linda. She thought he was just imagining it. However he knew it as a fact. It seemed that his class was a little brighter. They grinned a little more. There was a spring in their step. He was not quite sure what “divine intervention” meant. He thought however that he had seen it happen right here where he lived. It wasn’t a big enough event to be noticed by the world. CNN would not be reporting on it. But the Song of Solomon would forever be read with greater meaning and understanding. He guessed that Carl was right. God did intend for people, regardless of the age, to treasure this gift of sexuality. It seemed to have made a difference in the men of the Hosea class. However, he was not quite sure. All that he knew for sure was that he was not going to be as obvious as they were. He was definitely going to remember that....when he picked up his first prescription of Viagra tonight.