A REAL PERSON- REAL ISSUES

Here is where I was treated for major depression- Alta Care- An outpatient mental health treatment facility. An update*** follows at the bottom...

Cost out of my pocket- $133.65 per day.
10 Day stay minimum
Estimated total charges to me- $1336.50
24 Monthly payments of $55.69 to commence on 30 March 2004. Doctor bills are separate.

The following is what is causing the chaos in my mind- directly resulting from what my abuser did to me. I'm putting all this down just so people understand these are real issues that real people face. Many people simply don't understand. Maybe this will help people who haven't "been there" to understand some of the issues we face as we struggle to understand why we act, think, and feel the way we do due to a traumatic situation. We didn't ask for this to happen to us, yet we deal with so much more than people realize and can ever understand. I've included photos of myself at the bottom when I was 15 months old and of me as I am today. It's incredibly important to me that people see depression for what it really is and lose the misconceptions that are much easier for them to accept. The truth is very hard to accept, but accept we must, especially those of us who actually live this life every day.

This is directly from my disability paperwork that the doctor wrote based upon his initial evaluation of me-

History & Prognosis:

Anxiety, irritable, suicidal ideation, sad & blue, crying spells, <-- don't know where he got that; I am unable to cry much.

Diagnosis- Subjective Symptoms:

Adjustment Disorder (Major Depression)
No legal guardian should be appointed for me.

Daily treatments:

Group Therapy
1 on 1
Paxil CR 25 mg (Anti-Depressant) $3 per pill per day
Seroquel 75 mg (Anti-Psychotic) $2 per pill, per day

In 2005 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It has been determined that my bipolar disorder came out as a result of child abuse. Here are my daily treatments:

Lexapro 20 mg
Seroquel 25-100 mg
Topamax 50 mg
Hydroxyzine Pamoate 75 mg (3x daily)
Lithium 900 mg (2 at night, one in am)
Provigil 200 mg

Psychiatric Assessment

DSM-IV axes-

Adjdiones, Major Depression
Knee pain- Occupational Hazard

Please define stress as it applies to patient-

Work, usual daily stressors

What stress and problems in interpersonal relations has patient had on job?

10-6 shift

Fully describe patients limitations:

Attending daily treatment program

Rehab:

Place on day shift

Taken from the U.S. Department of Labor from certification of health care provider, Family Medical and Leave Act-

Describe the medical facts which support certification with brief statement as to how medical facts meet criteria of categories: Category 1

Severe Depression
Unable to function at job or at home

Probable duration of incapacity- 2-3 months

My Diagnoses/severe issues to date:

Note that the severe issues are taken from a Schema Questionaire- Definition is taken directly from the Schema Questionaire-

Schema is an extremely strong and enduring pattern that develops during childhood and is carried on throughout a person's life. Concepts include "scheme", "plan", "blueprint", and "life-pattern".

Schemas are important beliefs and feelings about oneself and environment which an individual accepts without question and are resistant to change. These beliefs are rarely challenged as adults. Schemas will not go away without therapy. A schema fights for its own survival and is usually successful and operate out of conscious awareness. When triggered, our thoughts and feelings are dominated by our schemas causing us to have extreme negative emotions and dysfunctional thoughts that lead to self-defeating behaviors. These are my schemas. On a scale of 1-6, 6 being the highest, mine were at the highest levels.

Severe Issues/Schemas:

Emotional Deprivation
Abandonment
Mistrust and Abuse
Social Isolation
Defectiveness/Shame
Social Undesirability
Failure to Achieve
Dependance/Incompetance
Vulnerability to Harm
Enmeshment Issues
Subjugation
Self-Sacrifice
Emotional Inhibition
Perfectionism
Entitlement <-- Why me, when is it my turn to have what I want? and etc...
Insufficient Self Control

Diseases/Disorders

Bi-Polar with Severe Depression
ADHD
OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
SAD- Social Anxiety Disorder
Psychosis (Schizophrenia)- with psychotic espisodes
PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Addictions- gambling: replaced drinking
Chronic Pain with no medical cause (stress)

One of my goals is to get past the point I'm stuck at and that is this: My abuser did this to me and because of what she did I'm dealing with all these issues. I feel as though she, and the State of New York for placing me with her, robbed me of what would very likely been a normal, happy, peaceful and productive life. That may never happen. Right now, I'm functioning at an emotional level of about 10. With many years of therapy and a lot of sacrifice, time and hard work, that might change.

The issues and disorders I named above are a direct result of the abuse I was subjected to by one person, and now, this is my everyday life.

***Update: Since I created this, and had a breakdown in March of 2004, I've been diagnosed with manic depression. I became medically and permanently disabled in October of 2005 and have been without income since then, save for $265 monthly child support for one child, and I'm awaiting disability. I grow worse by the year, and I feel it's inevitable that I'll have to relinquish parental rights of my two youngest children.

My car was repossessed in January, 2005, and most of the income tax return I received went towards four months of back rent, plus a few supplies for my family.

Child abuse really does last a lifetime. Couple the issues from child abuse, plus mental disorders, and the result is a pretty screwed up individual indeed. People tell me I'm a survivor, that they look up to me. That's all well and good, but really, I'm still struggling, though I wish I could say otherwise. A survivor, but what of the consequences of another's actions against me?

I've never enjoyed life, and honestly, only the fact that I chose to do my best to finish raising my children- a promise I made to them- keeps me here. Many of us dream of suicide, sometimes even daily. We dream of how to do it, where, when, and the peace we will finally attain once we are free from the emotional bonds in which we are imprisoned. We want peace, we want to not have to struggle through yet another day. We want to not worry about how to pay our rent, keep our only modes of transportation, how to pay for our doctor visits, our necessary medications.

All the more reason to do away with the statutes of limitation on child abuse, and to keep child predators and abusers out of society for the remainder of their lives.

A wasted life- that's what mine has become. And I had so much potential....

That was me. This is me now.