It's Totally Out of My League

It's Totally Out of My League

         The most humorous things often happen to us when we are alone. This happened to me while trying to increase my quota of reviews. I found myself in Lobelia's port. What I found was unexpected. The humor came after I had completed my read of her article. I was at a total loss as to what to do.

         My approach to this story is a little unusual. You really need to take a peak at Lobelia's story first, to understand my quandary as to what I should do.

Lobelia's story

ID: 801249   (Rated: E) How to Make a Nursing Bra  a practical idea for nursing bras that REALLY fit! by Lobelia is truly blessed

My Review as posted on the Public Review

Lobelia,

         I have no earthly idea why I read this article. Furthermore, I have no earthly idea why I am publicly rating and reviewing this piece. While port-surfing one day I ran across this interesting work. The title grabbed my attention. Please don't read anything into that other than the fact that it did. I said, "Is that for real?" I thought that perhaps it was a humor piece. But it was not listed as a comedy. So my interest brought me into the work.

         I read it--all of it. I must say I felt like I was standing by myself in a lingerie shop waiting for my wife to come out of the dressing-room and save me.

         Although, familiar territory for women, the journey through this article was uncharted land to me. My mind's eye tried to paint pictures of your descriptions. I was really quite comical. My wife thought I was hilarious.

         I am afraid to say that I enjoyed the article. I certainly can not say that it was very useful to me. I will probably not read it again nor will I add it to my favorites. All I can say is that from a male's perspective, which is totally useless on this topic, you did a good job relating the facts. I suppose it will be very helpful, but I will never know. Will I?

Dan

Lobelia's Response

         This was by far the most delightful review I have ever received. You had me rolling on the floor through the whole thing- you painted such a tangible image of the poor befuddled male stuck in a decidedly female bastion. Reminds me of my husband sitting through my discussions with friends about female problems or diaper troubles. I wish I could post a public review of your review! May I suggest that you enter this review in the Anecdotal Arms contest, or any comedy contest? (Just add an intro sentence telling the title of the piece you were reviewing, and maybe a link to it *hint hint*)

         In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can find a forum I discovered when I was a newbie on this site- it allowed you to nominate outstanding reviewers for recognition & awards. I nominated my first really helpful reviewer, who actually won the thing. If it still exists, I'd like to nominate you. If so, I'll get back to you, since it required written permission from the reviewer to submit their review.

         Thanks again for your wonderful review!

         (And in case you're wondering, this piece is NOT fiction- I actually used the technique back during the 16 years that I was nursing babies!)

Lobelia's Additional Response

         Sorry to bug you again so soon, but I thought you'd love this. I sent a copy of
your review to some lady friends of mine (nursing all!) & my dear friend Monica
whipped the following story off in response. You're famous!
********************************************************

Fast forward 3 years....

         Dan is at a barbecue with co-workers. Hands laden with hot dogs and brewskies, heading across the lawn to the horseshoes death match, he passes 3 women talking by themselves. He hears his partner's wife, Deana, confide to the other women, "I just can't find a comfortable nursing bra. They are all like mini medieval torture chambers." She shifts Baby Brandon from one weary arm to the other, lays him over her shoulder, bouncing him all the while.

         The other women sigh their sad agreement and one begins to relay her fruitless search, "I know. I even went to Jacobson's where they have the most expensive and extensive bra selection in the northern hemisphere. I tried on maybe 35 bras.."

         Dan has slowed his trek across the yard. He begins to sort of nonchalantly circle the ladies, his back almost directly toward them, he begins to circle them, slowly, feigning a 'I forgot to look for something' intense look on his face.

         The ladies don't notice him. They continue their commiseration. "When the damn thing nearly cut off my circulation right here, underneath my arms..." Dan can not help himself.

         He veers directly toward the group. His feigned intense facial expression changes to a sincere combination of pure sheepishness and 'what the hell am I about to do?' He begins. "Ladies? I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. I mean, please excuse me, but there's this lady? Her name is Wendy? I mean, I don't really know her, but she wrote these instructions on how to make a comfortable nursing bra. Well, I mean, I know it's sort of weird, but, I mean, she explained that...."

         Any outsider looking on would have viewed 3 women, all with astounded, but with interested looks on their faces, listening to Dan, as he gains confidence and warms to his subject. There's Dan, excited now, because maybe this all really does make sense! With his hot dog in hand, he makes hand motion gestures of circles around his nipples. With beer in hand, he attempts to point to his back-- just about the spot where a bra strap might have been placed.

         When the ladies begin asking questions, when Deana lifts her arm and tries to point down at her sore rib, when the other gals begin talking excitedly and pointing to areas around their own nipples, any outsider can see that Dan has been a success.

         From across the yard, Dan's wife's eyes narrow as she spies Dan and three women embroiled in a conversation that has Dan, hot dog and brewski in hand, making motions of lifting invisible weighty breasts on his body. Dan's wife watches as Dan, lifts those invisible weighty breasts, and bounces them in his hands a few times, then releases them to drop. Invisible as they are, it looks painful.

         Dan has a lot of explaining to do when he goes home, but even Dan knows-- no good deed goes unpunished.

Dan's Response

         Who would have thought that a simple, and quite innocent, read would have
brought this much attention and smiles from so many people. And, Lobelia, you
started it all with your simple little informative piece. All I did was read
it and respond.

         Monica’s story was delightful. Here in Texas we have barbecues all the time.
This could really happen. But her story got my idle mind to wandering. I can
see this developing into great things. I see that I may have great potential
in the speaking circuit. Perhaps there is an auditorium full of expectant and
nursing women…and structural engineers from all over the world. I see them
watching intently as I present my PowerPoint presentation, complete with
graphics and illustrations. Or maybe there could be an infomercial co-hosted
with Julia Roberts. Or maybe...this is really getting scary. We ought to have a prompt
on this. Just think of the stories the fertile minds at Writing.com could
produce? You, Monica, and I could be the judges.

Dan

Lobelia's Response (after Dan created the item: "It's Totally Out Of My League")

This is great! Right what I had in mind (except that if I had the points, I'd give you an awardacon!) I considered making a contest out of it (like: write a story about how a man who accidentally stumbled on this information would use it), but I don't think anyone could top you and Monica. It wouldn't be fair!

I wish there was a way to add the string of e-mails that it triggered between you & Monica- they were more chapters of this delightful story! They help illustrate the serendipitous (sp?) quality of real joy. By the way, Monica sent me another one- seems this is TOO funny to let go (did I tell you she has been a La Leche League leader- the worldwide breastfeeding support group- for many many years? I expect this will travel far...) I've GOT to get that woman to open a writing.com account!

-Wendy

Monica's Additional Response

Dear Dan and Wendy,

         Wendy, glad to give you a good laugh.

         Dan, awfully glad to help you get started on a new career. But if truth be told, and Wendy knows this is my opinion, the perfect nursing bra would also have counter-weights that hung off the shoulder blade area, or would have straps that stretch behind the leg and attach to the ankle area. Gravity is a bad thing.

         If you and your crack team of space age engineers can design something like that, everyone with breasts, babies and milk will beat a path to your door. I'll buy 4 of them.

         And you thought your future lie in building a better mouse trap!!

         Looks like my work here is done...

Monica

Dan's final Response

Lobelia,

         You are right about the email string. I will amend my post to include them.

Monica,

         This is almost more than my male mind can contain. Mental images are bouncing around in my cranium during business meetings. They think I'm concentrating on corporate decisions. I'm actually seeing straps and flaps and ....well, other stuff.

         And then you go and throw counter-weights and gravity into the mix. I see that I now need to add physicists to the team. All I really wanted to do was read a simple little story that had an intriguing title.

         I have a renewed respect for nursing mothers and all females in general who wage the unseen battle against gravity and seek a little comfort. How do you do it? How do you carry on business? How do you have a conversation in a crowd? How do you participate in the myriad activities that require poise and concentration? Beats me!

         All that I know is, that every time I have a conversation with a female, I now have to suppress the urge to blurt out, "By the way, how is your bra?"

Dan

And the saga continues...

(edited ever so slightly)

(Post Script: Since posting this piece, it has received the nifty pink ribbon that it is sporting. That was an award from Lobelia is truly blessed via ~Wind in my Wings~ , who titled the award as the Playtex Uplift & Support Award. As you can see, it never ends...)