chapter twelve

28 March

“Damn.” He shook his head, irritated about his mistake.

“Those new songs are hard to learn, aren’t they?” Susie grinned at Duncan, hoping he would think her comment was funny. He was tense, more so than the last several days. She’d extended her stamina to attend every practice all week, even carting the kids downstairs while babysitting, and he’d done the song every night perfectly, but he was off tonight.

“I guess I‘m a bi’ distracted.”

“By what?”

He peered at her; his expression serious, his eyes … full. “By a completely captivatin’ woman in the audience.”

Her insides tightened. They had become closer during the week, since their drive, but she’d felt a distance she couldn’t explain. He was polite, friendly, sometimes even joking with her, but…

“If you’re that easily distracted, you’re in the wrong business.” Roy’s voice interrupted. She hadn’t heard him approaching from behind. “I hope you do better on a real stage.”

“I thought managers were supposed t' go to the shows.”

She looked back at Duncan, wanting to applaud his willingness to stand up to the obnoxious man, but staying still and quiet, as if Roy wouldn’t notice her presence that way.

“And musicians are supposed to pay more attention to the music than to the audience. Evan, how’d the last couple of shows go?”

He looked over at his friend before answering. Susie often felt sorry for Evan for always being the one that Roy questioned. He handled it so well, though. “Better than ever. We’ve never sounded as good.”

The manager wasn’t happy with the response. “Mike?”

Their lead was surprised to be asked his opinion. “Definitely, I agree.”

Susie had to look away to keep from showing her pleasure in Roy hearing what he didn’t want to hear. He would definitely not be happy having someone in the band who would talk back, which gave Susie a kind of malicious satisfaction.

“I’ll check it out tomorrow. Let’s try not to have any distractions.” He turned his head in Susie’s direction, but only for a split second, enough that she knew what he meant. “I got a producer coming in to listen, and I’d hate to waste his time for nothing.” After a glance at Duncan, he turned and lumbered away.

Duncan stared after him, ignoring Mike trying to discuss a possible change to an old song. Then he looked at Susie. But he talked to Evan, interrupting Mike. “Is he always like that?”

Evan paused. He didn’t like Roy any better than the rest of them, but was cautious about what he said, even when only talking to her. “We don’t socialize with him. It’s just business.”

His buddy raised an eyebrow. “And y’ are avoiding the question.”

“Evan’s the only one he half-way likes. We’re just used to it.” Stu ran part of a changed version of the song Mike was trying to discuss on his keyboard. “Something like that, you mean?”

Duncan watched the discussion, and his friend, jumping into the music again when it came time. But he wasn’t content with the answers. She could see it in his face.

He was silent when they called it quits for the night and left the stage. She watched him, discreetly, acknowledging Evan when he approached her.

“You’re still planning to come tomorrow?”

With Roy there and sitting alone with him at the table reserved for the band? She looked away.

“We can ask Janet to come, and you can sit at a different table.”

“Janet’s going out of town this weekend. Didn’t she tell you?”

“Is she? No, I haven’t seen her in a few days. Where’s she going?”

“To visit relatives.” He didn’t know? Susie had expected they kept in touch on the phone at least.

“Ask Kate to go.” Mike stepped up closer. “I know she doesn’t often, but she might if you ask.”

Susie smiled at him. “And why don’t you ask her?”

“She’ll turn me down.” He left without further explanation and Susie felt Evan's stare. Not again. Just one more thing to prove Evan right. What on earth was wrong with Kate? Well, she wasn't going to get into it with him tonight. She was too tired.

“You said yesterday you were comin’ to the show.”

Duncan’s voice half surprised her. She found his face. “Yeah … but I don’t usually when I know Roy will be there.”

“Why no’?”

Something about his manner told her she needed to answer, but she already felt the disapproval.

“He was tellin’ you no’ to come.”

Her lungs expanded abruptly. He had noticed Roy’s gesture toward her, and he didn’t appreciate it. Evan looked puzzled, asking his buddy what he meant. Duncan didn’t answer.

“You’re right. He was. He doesn’t want me there. And I don’t want to be anywhere around him, so it works okay.” She ignored Evan’s curious look, changing the subject. “I’m going in late tomorrow, so I’ll see you when you get home.” She left, walking away from all of them, pretending not to care what they were thinking.

Just through the doorway that lead upstairs, she felt a hand grasp her arm. “Why are you lettin’ him run y’ off?”

She turned. He was alone. “He’s not running me off; I’m still here.”

He shook his head. “I can no’ imagine why they pu’ up with him, bu’ that I can le’ go. I can no’ just let go of him chasing you off from goin’ to the show.”

“He has connections. That’s why they put up with him. He also owns this building. And it’s just one show. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t go very often.”

“It does matter.”

“Why?”

His hand slid down her arm, slowly, gently, stopping at her fingers, entwining them with his own. “Because I would really like you to go.”

Her breath faltered; his presence overwhelming, intoxicating. Maybe she would accept. She could maybe ignore Roy for this…

“Just as a friend. I am no’ askin’ for a date.”

As a friend? What had happened since their talk the other night? Had she done something to change his mind? “I’ll think about it.” She pulled away and continued up the stairs and into her apartment.

****

Duncan heard the other guys approaching. He didn’t want to see them now. He didn’t want to see anyone now. He took the few stairs to the main landing and pushed through the front door. What had he done? The way she pulled away from him…. She wasn’t ready to date. Isn’t that what she had said? She was still wary of him. And it wasn’t like he was trying for a lifelong commitment. Hell, he just wanted … what? His original intention of simply spending time with her, on casual dates with maybe a pleasant kiss goodnight wasn’t … wasn’t enough. He didn’t plan to let it matter when she broke it off, which she would, if it ever started. And if it were any other girl, he would have given up by now and just kept walking. But she wasn’t just any other girl. She would haunt his thoughts forever if he gave up now, with nothing.

He set his guitar case down and sank onto the top step, arms resting across his legs. The chill of the cement sifted its way through his jeans and the damp breeze predicted rain. Cirrus clouds drifted in front of the stars, blocking their light, then revealing them. She had said she wasn’t completely uninterested. Not completely. But she’d pulled away, just at the mention of being together as friends. Anything more wasn’t very damn likely. Still, Ev’s comment haunted him. His buddy had asked what he would do if she did get serious about him, as if there were any minute chance of that happening. But if there wasn’t any chance, why would he have asked? They grew up together. They were closer even than most married couples he’d been around. Ev would have to know…

No. He couldn’t even begin to let himself accept that possibility. Girls like her … used guys like him as a distraction. He would not allow himself to believe he could ever be more than that. He would not again…. He stood, grabbing his guitar and throwing it over his shoulder. Starting down the stairs, toward the sidewalk, he stopped. He couldn’t walk away this time. He couldn’t do that to his friend. He would at least have to go up and tell him he was leaving.

A deep breath filled his lungs with the life around him: the fragrance of the new spring grass, the dampness of the heavy air, the blooming ornamental pear that Ev had told him was Susie’s favorite tree. She loved nature. During their talk she had mentioned the hours spent digging up and dividing flower bulbs around Ev’s mom’s house and helping to select and plant the annuals that would bloom through the summer, and enjoying the sound of raking leaves in the fall. Duncan noticed, maybe for the first time, the yellow petals beginning to burst through the buds atop their long, thin stems in the grass around the front of the steps. He wondered if she had planted those, as well.

A car passed in the street in front of the house. The passenger stared at him curiously; a man standing still in the dark, alone, holding a guitar case. Duncan would have been curious, as well. Especially in this neighborhood where nothing much ever happened. It was a quiet street, quite a distance from the stairs with the long sidewalk joining the two appearing even longer tonight than it normally did to him. Too long.

“Are you going out?”

He turned at his buddy’s voice. Ev knew. He read the thoughts of flight. But he wasn’t judging him. He was simply asking.

“You know, I do no’ belong here.” His own voice echoed strangely against the old brick building. He barely recognized it.

“No? Then where do you belong?”

He shook his head. “Maybe nowhere; that’s why I keep movin’ on.”

Ev was silent for a moment, not moving closer, not pulling back. “You just got here. Give it a chance; you might change your mind.” When he didn’t get an answer, he continued. “She’s really gotten to you, hasn’t she?”

Duncan met his friend’s gaze briefly, then looked away. “I ‘ave never me’ anyone like her, and I honestly do no’ know how she wants me to act. I quit askin’ her out, bu’ I’m gettin’ the same response just tryin’ to be her friend.”

“Quit trying so hard. She knows you’re interested. If she’s interested, she’ll come to you.”

“Are y’ sure?”

Evan chuckled. “Believe me, I know from experience.”

“What d’ ya mean?”

He moved down the steps, reclining against the railing on the other side. “Well, when Susie first started coming over to our house, she was very timid around us. You wouldn’t believe it, really. Any time Jeremy or I would even attempt to approach her, she’d back away. So we finally left her alone and went about our business. After a while, she got use to us and would come see what we were doing. It was a month or so before she decided she could trust us enough to not run when we came near. Actually, I was surprised she went with you the other night.”

“She only wen’ because she knew it did no’ concern you.”

“Should it have?”

“Are you askin’ if I came on t’ her? I told y’ I woul’ no’.”

“No. I’m asking you not to let her trust you unless she really can. If you’re not sure you’re going to stay, you need to let her know up front, because she wants to know.” He pushed away from the railing and went back to the front door, then turned. “You are coming up?”

“Ev, I would no’ leave withou’ telling you.”

“That’s all I ask. But I’d rather have you stay.”

After his friend had gone, Duncan looked back up to the sky. “This is wha’ I was afraid of. Wha’ do I do now?” He stood there a while longer, waiting for an answer he didn’t expect to come. Tiny droplets began tickling his skin. A bird rattled pear tree leaves and soared up through the dark, away. A horn blew somewhere in the distance. Then, a different sound: a faint trace of music … from the building. It pulled him back up the stairs and inside, to the basement door, propped open.

Slowly and quietly, he entered. The only light in the large space came from directly above the stage and he recognized the Elton John song that seemed written for her. “…Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand….” He walked as close as he thought he could without being detected, and stood watching her. As his eyes followed her graceful movements, the answer he’d been waiting for became obvious. He wasn’t going anywhere. Not now. Not until he gave everything he had to try to get closer … to know her better. “And now she’s in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand….”

When she sat down to stretch, he left as quietly as he came, not sure she’d appreciate, or understand, his watching without her knowing.

****

Susie woke early thinking of him. Evan’s friend. And Evan, who didn’t know Janet was away for the weekend. She was glad she had the excuse of going to work late to avoid carpooling; to give her time alone to try to clear her head. Starting the coffee, she went back to indulge in a leisurely shower, allowing the hot water and steam to relax her mind and her tired muscles, then threw a T-shirt and shorts on, fixed a cup of coffee with plenty of cream and sugar, turned on the radio just loud enough to be audible, and sat on her favorite section of the couch, crossing her legs in front of her. The warm, sweet liquid and soft music were so relaxing she considered going back to bed for an hour or two. It was still early enough she’d be able to make it in by eleven for her first class.

A movement to her side caught her attention. Kate. “Why are you up already? Is the music too loud?” She sipped her coffee, concealing the annoyance at being disturbed.

“No, I didn’t even hear it. Do you have to work early today?”

Susie shook her head. “Actually, I was thinking about going back to bed. There’s coffee made if you’re ready for it.”

Kate sat down and gave her a puzzled look. “Since when do you drink coffee?”

“It’s only my second cup. It just sounded good this morning.”

“Nothing sounds good this morning.” Kate sank against the couch, a hand pressed against her stomach.

“Are you okay?” If she was sick, Susie would go on to work. She didn’t need that.

“Suse, if I tell you something, will you promise not to say anything to anyone?”

“Of course.”

Her friend paused, looking away. “I think I’m pregnant.”

Pregnant? Kate? The sickness spread to her own stomach. Sympathy illness? Or dread?

“I’m three weeks late.”

She was glad the other woman wasn’t staring at her face. There was no way on earth she could conceal her thoughts well enough. But maybe Kate was wrong. “It could be stress; it does it to me.”

“I’ve never been late. And the last few days, I’ve felt nauseous all morning.”

“Maybe … you’ve been working a lot. Maybe you’re too tired…”

Kate raised her head. She saw Susie’s expression. “I know. I don’t want this, either. It just … it’s not like I wasn’t trying to be careful…”

“Have you told Mike?”

“I haven’t told anyone else, and I’m not sure I’m going to.”

“You don’t think they’ll notice eventually?”

“I’m not sure I’m going to keep it.”

Not going to … she couldn’t be serious. “Kate...”

“I’ve been talking to people. Other models. They know a place…”

“No, you’re not. You’re not doing that.”

“Why not? Because it’s not legal? So what? It’s not like it would be the first illegal thing I’ve done. And they shouldn’t tell me what I can or can’t do with my own body. It’s none of their damn business!”

“That’s not the issue.”

“No? Then what is the issue?”

“It’s not safe. You know that. And no matter what they say … it’s not safe. And besides, how could you? If you are pregnant, that’s a human being!”

“I can’t take care of a baby! Hell, I can’t even take care of myself. Look at me. I’m twenty-three years old and the only thing I can do is model and act. Who’s going to hire a pregnant model or actress?”

“You could go back to school and finish your degree. You’d be a wonderful accountant, and they make decent money.”

“I dropped out because it was too boring. And I would never get a job, anyway. They don’t hire women accountants.”

“Then make them hire you! You’ve never let that sexist garbage stop you before.”

“Suse, I’m just not ready for that responsibility.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.”

“You mean I should marry Mike and let him take care of us.”

“Would that be so horrible? You do love him…”

“I’m NOT getting married!”

Susie stared at her friend. Kate could call her old-fashioned all she wanted, but at least she didn’t have this problem to deal with. She took a deep breath. Their differences of opinion simply didn’t matter anymore. If she wouldn’t let Mike marry her, she would need help. “You still won’t have to do it alone. I’ll be here for you, and I’ll do anything I can. We can alternate our work schedules so you won’t have to pay a sitter. With your intelligence and social skills, it’ll be easy for you to find a job. We can make it work.”

“And neither of us would have a personal life. We’d always either be working or babysitting. What about going out? Dating?”

Dating? Was she serious? How completely self-centered could she be? “Kate….” She shook her head, stood, began to walk away, then returned and sat down again. “Go ahead and date if you need to. But I can’t let you take an innocent child’s life. If you can’t take care of this baby … then let me.”

Her friend looked at her as though she’d just lost her mind. “You’re only twenty years old.”

“Yes, and Mom was only nineteen when I was born, but she was a wonderful mother. Kate, I would take good care of him, or her. Just please, don’t do what you’re thinking. I would never be able to look you in the eye again.”

“Your mom was married. You’re not even dating.”

“No, but I have good friends. I can switch to doing night classes. The guys will help…”

“You mean Mike will.”

“I meant … the guys. Evan…”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Oh please, Evan can’t even stand me. Why would he help take care of my kid?”

“For me. He would help me.”

Kate looked down at her abdomen and placed a hand on it. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not.”

“Maybe you should find out for sure.”

Kate nodded. “I guess.”

She guessed? There was no way she was going to just wait and leave Susie not knowing what to plan for. “Get dressed. We’ll go this morning.”

“I thought you were going back to bed.”

“I wouldn’t be able to sleep now, anyway. Besides, I think the coffee’s starting to kick in.”

Kate eyed her curiously. “Better be careful with that stuff; it’s addicting.”



She had trouble concentrating at work. It would be a day or two before the doctor’s office called with the results; a very long day or two. Finally arriving at her apartment building, walking up the long sidewalk, she wondered if Kate had thought more about her offer. She wouldn’t refuse. She couldn’t want that. She could at least have the child and let someone adopt…

“Hey, you’re not speaking to me?”

Susie stared blankly at Mike. She hadn’t even seen him come up beside her. “I’m sorry, I was …”

“Somewhere else.” He chuckled, jumping ahead to pull the door open for her.

“Yeah. Thank you. So how was work?”

“Don’t ask.”

“Sorry.” She set a hand on his arm briefly as they started up the stairs. She knew Mike didn’t like his job, though he was extremely good at it. As assistant business editor of the local paper, he was able to show off his mental abilities, and the few business classes he had taken, at his parents’ request, as well as his obvious writing skills, had made it seem like the perfect job. But he found the guidelines too strict, and his boss, who happened to be the owner’s nephew and two years younger than Mike, insufferable.

“Did you ask her?”

She looked up at him. “Ask her what?”

“If she’ll go with you tonight.”

“Oh, yeah, but I don’t think she’s in the mood.”

“Why, is something wrong?”

“Not that I know of.” Okay, that wasn't a lie. She didn't know anything for sure yet.

“She already had other plans?”

“I don’t think so.”

He stopped them both, looking at her suspiciously. “What are you hiding?”

“Mike, I can’t get in the middle of this.”

“In the middle of what?”

She kept walking.

“She’s going to break it off again, isn’t she? So who’s she seeing now?”

Finally, Susie stopped and turned to him. “You know I can’t tell you anything, and I wish you wouldn’t put me in this position. You’re both my friends, and I don’t want to be in the middle.”

He took a deep breath. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have asked you.” He brushed past her to continue up the stairs and into his apartment.

Susie sat down on the step and leaned back against the cement block wall, pulling her knees up to rest her forehead on. Mike was so sweet and smart and … perfect for her friend. Why couldn’t she see that? She thought about what Evan was always telling her. Maybe he was right. Maybe she should encourage Mike to find someone who would treat him better, but who else would have the patience to put up with Kate? She knew he had a lot more influence on his girlfriend than he realized, keeping her flying straighter than she would without him. But, was it fair to him?

“Suse...”

She jumped at Evan’s voice.

“What’s wrong?”

Standing up, avoiding his buddy’s eyes, she tried not to let her frustration show. “Nothing.”

“You don’t expect me to believe that?”

“Evan, I can’t talk about it.”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. You guys better get ready to go.” Duncan’s stare penetrated her being.

“You’re not coming?”

She paused, hating the answer she had to give him. “I can’t.” She could try her best to ignore Roy, but Kate would need company. Continuing until reaching her door, she turned back. “Make sure you show that producer what you’ve got.” She forced a smile, really hating to miss what could be the break they’d been waiting on for so long. “Oh, and tell Mike I said to knock ‘em dead.”

Ignoring Evan’s questioning look, she went in to face what would feel like a very long evening.

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