chapter nineteen

22 April

She gazed through tired eyes at her boyfriend, on the makeshift stage, fingering his guitar strings as though they were a natural extension of his body. Her boyfriend. The word didn’t seem appropriate. She had boyfriends in high school, well, one she had called that, anyway. And Nathan. But this … was so much beyond that. Why wasn’t there a different term, something stronger, more adult?

Covering a yawn caught his attention. Not a good thing to do while watching a band practice, she supposed, but sleep had been intermittent the night before. It didn’t make sense, since she’d been exhausted by the time they had returned from the beach, but their conversation kept buzzing her brain. Deported. They could make him leave.

Shifting her eyes away to cover her thoughts, Susie let them fall on Mike, though she didn’t really see him. Her mind was still clogged with confusion. She had agreed to go to Scotland if necessary, without even thinking. How could she? Her dad … well, she supposed she could deal with that. He would visit. And it wasn’t like she saw him often anymore, anyway. But Evan … how could she agree to move away from Evan without … without thinking about it. She had agreed to leave him without even hesitating.

She looked over at him, glad Janet had changed her plans to come to rehearsal because of the late meeting they’d both had to attend at work. Why she was glad, Susie didn’t have a clue. But she was. Maybe she was too tired to talk and just relieved to be able to sit and listen to her guys. No. It was more than that. Evan was … less available when Janet was around. And that didn’t make sense, either, since she wasn’t available herself. But she was. She still talked to him as her best friend when Duncan was around. Evan, on the other hand, kept more distance from her when Janet was with him. It bothered her.

The beginning strains of a song she hadn’t heard before pulled her from her thoughts. Focusing on the sound, the lyrics, Mike’s voice, Susie could tell they had just started working on it. He had the lyrics down, but not the polished edges yet. She recognized the song’s style. It was an original. And just gorgeous, except … not quite right for Mike. Maybe a different key. Or … a different voice for this one.

They stopped at Mike’s wave of a hand. He shook his head. “It’s not right.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t like it!”

The lead singer looked back at Stu. “No, I do, it’s just….” He shook his head again. Then he looked toward Susie. “Comments?”

She raised her eyebrows. “I’m guessing Doug wrote it.”

“Of course, but what’s wrong with it?”

“Honestly?”

“No. I asked you ‘cause I’m hoping you’ll lie to me.”

She grinned involuntarily, supposing she should take offense at his sarcasm, but too flattered at him asking to bother being offended. “Okay. I think Evan should do it. How’s that for honesty?”

“Evan?” Mike turned to his friend, nodding. “I think she’s right. Not that I’m real willing to give a good song away, but let’s try it.”

Susie watched her best friend. He didn’t answer, or give any indication about what he thought of her suggestion, but he didn’t argue. She had half-expected him to, as he preferred staying more in the background. With Stu pushing him to accept, he finally pulled the bass strap over his head and traded places with Mike.

They worked at it in sections, allowing Evan time to get more familiar with the lead lyrics and Mike to work on the bass part. Their lead did well with the instrument, although it took him longer to learn the parts than it did Evan. But then, he had focused much more on his voice and was glad they had added a musician so he wouldn’t have to sing lead and play at the same time when they needed both bass and keyboards. Mike had started on bass, back when their high school band’s lead guitarist was also lead singer, but had grown to enjoy singing lead more and didn’t want to do both together. Susie didn’t quite understand the conflict, but Mike fussed about how they didn’t mesh well enough. Evan had tried to explain, but without actually trying it herself, she only had the vague knowledge that it took extra concentration to do both.

And Evan didn’t have the same voice training as Mike, but with the right song, it didn’t matter. This one was written for him. She tried to still her brain to focus on his vocals.

I don’t know much about the world
Why it’s easy for some and not for others
The time may come we’ll find that answer
But ‘til then, what matters to me
Is to know that I know love…

The others agreed about her suggestion. Susie could see it in their expressions, in the way they formed it to him, making it his. Leave him to move to Scotland? No, she couldn’t imagine. There had to be another way to keep both him and Duncan. And there was. If nothing else worked, if Roy didn’t come through as Susie suspected he wouldn’t, she could offer marriage. They wouldn’t make him leave a wife behind. But could she do it for that reason?

The roads we’ve travelled have rarely been smooth
We’ve lost some people we loved…

She couldn’t leave him. He was the only one who had been there for her through everything.

The reason, I told my friend the next day
Is to know that I know love…

Yes, to keep them both, she would. Duncan could always refuse. And if he did, there wouldn’t be any point in moving to Scotland, anyway. She would visit without a commitment. She wouldn’t move there without one. But she sincerely hoped it would never come to that. If their relationship was ever going to go that far, Susie wanted it to be his idea, not hers. It was much too soon to think about it going that far, though.

Her brain was close to the shut-down point by the time they called it quits for the night. It was too much all at once. The conversation, the fear, fatigue … and he had said he was falling in love with her. It still hadn’t settled into her reality yet. Was he really? Nathan had told her that, too, but he hadn’t meant it. He had just been trying to get more. Susie fought with herself about wanting to believe Duncan was above that, that he would never play games that way, and knowing that she couldn’t be sure.

He threw his guitar case over his shoulder and came to her, setting it down again to pull a chair closer. She wanted to believe him.

“Why do you no’ play?”

“What?”

“You have good music instincts. Why do you no’ play an instrument?”

Susie focused on the wisps of hair falling beside his face, the majority of it pulled back with a rubber band, deciding his question was even more complimentary than Mike asking her opinion. She wondered if he could even begin to realize what kind of respect she had for his talent, for his opinions of other musicians, other music. She had good instincts? Noting the other guys gathering around, silent, pulling chairs up instead of heading separate directions as they normally did after practice, Susie pulled her eyes from him. Something was up.

But she couldn’t ignore the question and turned back. “I started … kind of. Evan started teaching me the guitar, but … after school and dance and homework, I was too tired to work that hard. Why?”

He chuckled. “I was jus’ wonderin’.”

She looked at Evan. “What’s going on? And don’t bother with the innocent look. Why is everyone staying?”

He pulled an ankle over one leg, leaning back against the metal chair. “Because there’s something we need you to do.”

“Okay. What?” Shrugging off Stu’s teasing about her agreement before hearing what they were asking, she kept her attention on Evan. “What do you need?”

The grin in his eyes opposed the serious expression covering the rest of his face. “We need you to ask for two weeks off next month.”

“Two weeks?”

“You have the time coming.”

“Yeah, but I also have the recital coming up, and with the new job….” She stopped. If he needed her … if the band needed her help, she wouldn’t refuse. She couldn’t refuse them. “Why? It’s not something I can work around my job? I mean, you know I will, but…”

“Suse, we’re going on tour. Just a short one, as a fill-in…”

“Tour?” She waited for the punchline. But he was serious. “Evan? Are you kidding? Do you mean just this area, but a bit farther, like you’ve been talking?”

Mike scraped the metal chair against the floor, pulled in closer. “You have heard of Blue River, right?”

Her eyes darted to his. “No way.” They went back to Evan’s. “Is he serious? Blue River?”

“Yeah. Shocked us, too. I think we’re still in shock. Mitch apparently does have actual connections and heard that their opening band just backed out, so he got us in. It’s just like an end of school thing … a special college tour they’re doing as a promo, but it should still have some good audiences…”

“Evan!” She shook her head. “Unbelievable! That’s wonderful!” Unwrapping her legs, Susie jumped up to give him a hug. After all the years, all the practice … and her boyfriend sitting beside them … which may have explained Evan’s somewhat reluctant return hug. She released him, straightening, then gave Mike the same hug. Stu didn’t wait; he came to her, trapping her in a pose of pretending to expect a kiss.

“Stu … I’m excited for you, really, but let go now.”

“Well you were handing them out. Don’t think I’m not gonna take advantage.”

She was rescued by a firm hand. “Not too much advantage, you ‘re no’.” Duncan’s eyes sparkled, stepping in between, taking over.

Susie wrapped her arms around him. It was going to be a long two weeks with him away. She wondered if he would take the time to call.

“Hey, if you’re done, we still have to tell her what we need.”

Mike’s voice pulled her back, but she kept Duncan’s hand when they sat close together. “Anything. Just tell me. I’ll watch the apartments, of course.”

“Well, that’s gonna be kind of hard for you to do if you’re not home.”

“If I’m not home?”

“You’re our advisor. You have to go with us, you know.”

Susie looked at Stu. Funny. Take two weeks off? The others weren’t laughing.

“Angel, we want you to go.” Evan paused while she just stared at him. “You’ve been helping us with this for the last two and a half years, and you have always pushed me to believe I would get there, to not give up on it. We all think you should be there for this, too.”

Her eyes moistened. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say yes, of course.” Stu kicked in his nonchalant act again. “We all know you’re a big Blue River fan. Think you’ll get a better chance to see them?”

Touring, with Raucous and Blue River. It was so far beyond her comprehension, she couldn’t say anything. Except, who else would be part of the crew? Mitch maybe? Roy. She supposed he would have to go, as their manager. She shook her head again. “You know Roy won’t agree to that. He won’t want me to go.”

Evan raised his chin, a rare act. “We’re not asking Roy. It’s not up to him. It’s up to you.”

“I can’t afford hotels for two weeks … even if….”

“Angel, you are part of the band. You won’t be paying for anything.”

Fingers running through her hair caught her attention, calmed her. She met Duncan's eyes, ignoring Stu jibing that she had to accept in order to keep her boyfriend in line on the road. Duncan’s look told her she wouldn’t have to be concerned about that detail. He had said he loved her. And she didn’t want to be away from him, or from the band.

“Come with us, Babe.”

Her skin prickled at his voice, his fingers touching her face. “I’ll ask Janet tomorrow.” She hoped he would stay and visit when he walked her into her apartment. She didn’t want to kiss him with the other guys staring.

23 April

Duncan sat on the stone bench just outside the dance studio’s main entrance. Evan had gone ahead back to the apartment, since Mitch wanted them all there as early as they could get off work. But Susie had a late meeting and she was already tired; Duncan didn’t want her to drive home alone. He had kept her up too late talking the night before, about the band, the tour, though he hesitated to call it that being as short as it was, about her job, and family. Mostly, she had talked about family, though he gave in to a few of her questions about his siblings. Her pretense about the isolation from both sides of her family not mattering any more was honest, though not as convincing to him as it was to her. She had strong ties to both, in heritage if not personally. The novels she read were generally historical, dealing with one side of her heritage or the other. It mattered to her in ways she wouldn’t let herself acknowledge. He stayed quiet. There was nothing he could do to change things for her, anyway.

But he had stayed too long. Duncan felt a pang of guilt when he had met her for lunch earlier and noticed the fatigue in her eyes. He felt even guiltier for wishing he had kept her up longer, held her in his arms longer, kissed her longer. Especially when she mentioned the meeting that she wasn’t up to attending.

Tempted to walk in and pull her out, take her home where he could help her relax, he looked over at the building’s entrance. The sun was descending, casting a fuschia glow against the glass. He couldn’t see inside, though it wouldn’t have mattered. They were in the office, behind the closed door. And she was asking for time off. He hoped she would, anyway. She seemed wary of doing so. Ev said she never took time off, other than an extra day for holiday travel, and classes were always light on those days.

Wondering about the time, other than his rough guess judging by the sun, he stood, wishing he had his guitar with him to keep his hands busy. Instead, he wandered, roaming the sidewalk, studying the cracks where nearby tree roots had forced the cement to give way, creating gaps and rough edges perfect for young feet to stumble over. He would have thought a dance studio would care more about children remaining uninjured than to leave the accident trap along the front of its building. But Susie had ranted more than once about the management caring more about growing funds than helping the girls.

Voices from behind made him turn. Not the teachers, just another class leaving. Two of the young teens began walking in his direction, chatting and paying no attention until an older woman called to them, veering them away. The woman was watching him from the parking lot. He wondered how long she had been. He waited until the girls were at a fair distance, then returned to the bench. Another group, older and separated from the others, looked over and grinned. One said hello and he returned the greeting. She giggled.

Ignoring them wasn’t easy. There were three, two with keys in their hands, swinging them as if announcing their ages. Barely old enough to drive, Duncan supposed. He wondered how much longer Susie would be. This was not a set-up he wanted to maintain, knowing enough about young girls to realize their natural attraction for older guys. Guys old enough to lead them where they didn’t need to be. He had lost count of how many had tried to hit on him in bars where he played, simply for the excitement of it.

Their chatting grew louder, for his benefit, he knew. The bravest shuffled closer. “Are you waiting for someone? Or do you need a ride? I have a car.” She swung her keys again for evidence.

“How old are you?”

She moved closer. “Seventeen.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I will be in a few months. But I have my license.”

“And no’ enough sense not t’ pick up strange men.”

She shrugged. “You don’t look dangerous.”

“How d’ you know? I could be sittin’ here just waitin’ for someone trusting like you t’ come out.” He noticed the other two girls try to pull her away. “Relax. I ‘m just waitin’ on my girlfriend.”

“Your girlfriend’s in class here?” The ring leader was paying no attention to his warning.

He wondered if he should get her name and have Susie mention it … to someone who could talk to her parents. The door opening interrupted. He stood, relieved it was the face he wanted.

Susie's eyes were on the girls. “How long has your class been over?”

The brave one now shied away, leaving one of the others to answer. “Not long.”

“Really? Aren’t you in Rachel’s jazz class?” Quiet answered her. “Rachel has been in the meeting with us for the last twenty minutes. Should I go call her?”

“We were just going.”

Two other women came out, one of them looking curiously at the group. “Girls? Why are you still here?” She approached, watching not only the dancers, but glancing at Duncan. “Is this guy bothering you? Who are you?”

Susie grasped his arm, moving closer. “He’s with me.” She introduced them, and the others leaving the building who stopped to be nosy. The rest gave him a brief, perfunctory greeting and went on to the parking area as Janet came out the door.

The girls’ teacher remained. “So why are you still here? Your parents are going to be calling looking for you.” She glanced back at Duncan again, accusation on her face.

He felt Susie stiffen, irritated. She was so defensive. He couldn’t have cared less about the teacher’s attitude, but he did want the truth known, without sounding too much like a snitch. “They were bein’ polite and offerin’ me a ride. Very nice of them.”

“They what?” Reading the guilt on the girls’ faces, their teacher glowered.

Janet clenched the shoulder of one of the offenders. “Inside, all of you. We’re calling your parents so they’ll know you’re on your way.”

Susie thanked him with a glance before questioning her manager. “Do you want us to wait?”

Janet pushed the girls toward the door. “No, Honey, you’re exhausted. Go home and go to bed.” She turned her eyes to Duncan. “Make her get some rest. We need her.” Getting the last girl inside, she looked back again. “Thank you.”

He nodded, waiting until the door was again closed. He liked Janet. A bit stuffy for his buddy, he thought, but a nice girl … sensible and trustworthy. A stable friend for Susie, which he appreciated. Nice for her to have a friendly vote in her corner at work, too. He wondered if she had asked for time, turning to see her face more directly. “How’d it go?”

Susie pressed closer, a hand resting on his waist. “I think you were having more fun out here.”

“Being hi' on by children who think they are adults?”

“Well … we were adults being lectured as though we’re children by a man who knows nothing whatsoever about dance. At this point, I can’t wait to be out of here for a couple of weeks.”

“They approved your leave?”

She sighed. “They fought me on it. Said it was too close to the show and I have responsibilities now, as though I didn’t before. But Janet stood up for me. She said I deserved the break, and needed it. She insisted.”

He pushed back hair that had fallen from her still neat bun. “We all would ‘ave just kidnapped you if they had said no, anyway. I would no’ want t’ go if you did no’.”

“Duncan … I’m tired of this place for today. Let’s go home.”

Home. She said it as though they shared one. Her eyes told him it had been intentional. “Janet did tell me t’ put you in bed.” He pulled her in.

She chuckled. “I guess that’s close enough to what she said.”



Susie hesitated when he asked her to go with him to attend what was left of the band’s meeting. Interest in hearing the plans mixed with the ingratiating thought of having to fraternize with Mitch and Roy. And her interest wasn’t quite that strong since she would find out anyway, but Duncan wanted her with him. She supposed he wasn’t looking forward to it any more than she was and so decided they could tackle it easier together.

It didn’t take her long to decide she’d been wrong.

“Where in the hell have you been? Are you part of this band or not?”

They hadn’t even sat down. She expected Roy to fuss, but at her for intruding, not at Duncan. Evan jumped in quietly, saying he had already explained why his friend was late, then trying to give up his seat for her. She shook her head, lowering to the floor beside her boyfriend. Duncan didn’t bother answering either question.

Mitch gave them a quick overview of the discussion so far, then moved on. He wouldn’t be touring with them, but had already hired a tour manager and publicist. They would hire local roadies along the way to save on transportation and would travel by charter bus since the shows were all driving distance. The whole thing was in the Northeastern states. Blue River had a curious habit of doing short tours over one region at a time. Mitch said it involved no logic but since the band had risen high enough, they pulled a lot of their own strings, logical or not. Susie thought it made perfect sense. Less travel fatigue and more shows in a smaller time frame, she supposed.

“Your roadies will double as security. There shouldn’t be big security issues, seeing as you’re not well-known yet, so they’ll do fine watching your equipment and ushering you in and out of venues.”

She didn’t like how he glossed over details. “How will you know who to hire if they’re all local to their areas? Is there a recommended list or something?”

Mitch cast a belittling expression. “Recommended list?”

“Well, they’ve spent a lot of money on their equipment. They have to know it’ll be safe and handled well. I just wondered where you would find people you could trust in areas you’re not familiar with.”

Roy shifted his bulk, leering. “The man knows what he’s doing. Just let him handle it.”

“We have the right t’ ask questions.” Duncan’s voice was low, strained.

“Band members have the right. It’s not her concern.”

She felt Duncan tense and wished she’d stayed quiet.

“Roy.” Evan waited to get his attention. “I would like to know that, too. And since she’s coming with us, I’d also like to know if they’ll be trained well enough in security that it’ll be safe for her while we’re on stage.”

“She’s what?”

Evan’s relaxed manner kept things somewhat calm. “She’s coming on tour with us. We all asked her.” He finally looked over at Susie. “That is, if you got the time off.” He grinned at her nod. “I expected you would.”

“Who in the hell says she is? This isn’t a little club act. This is the real thing. We don’t need girlfriends tagging along.”

“We’re not asking permission. And she’s not coming with us because she’s dating Duncan.” Mike didn’t bother to hide his irritation. He never had. “She IS part of this band. She’s coming as our advisor. The one who’ll ask questions we don’t think to ask.”

“Right.” Stu backed up his buddy.

“Actually, that could be a good thing.” Mitch eyed her again, then turned to Roy. “Having a young, beautiful girl of ethnic origins on their staff could look good for them. Good PR.”

She cringed at the term. Ethnic origins. Who didn’t have ethnic origins?

“She is NO’ a PR tool.” Duncan’s tone was cold.

Mitch stared him down. “Everything in this business is a PR tool. Get used to it or get out of it. That’s how it works. I don’t mean we’ll advertise it, but we won’t have to. She’ll do that herself just by being there. Hell, your accent will be a PR tool. You think girls won’t make a fuss over that? They will, and your publicist will use it to your benefit. It’s no different. It’s just the business.”

Susie caught Evan’s eyes. He knew what she was thinking. Would it be Glenn Heights all over again? Maybe in some ways it could be good PR since the feminists were jumping on civil rights causes, but there would be those who would object. An all white male band hanging around with an Indian girl. There would be talk.

Evan looked over at Mitch. “I think we should have a meeting with the publicist, too, before we go any farther with this. I want to know his plans and whether he’ll be working in our best interest … or yours.”

“Evan, it’s all the same. If we make money on sales arising from this tour, we both make money. That is the point of touring. I’ll have your single shipped out to radio stations several days before you play in each area and we’ll draw attention for the album. It’s all the same interest.”

He shook his head. “No. It’s our reputations on the line. Our friends. It’s not all the same.”

“If she stays home, it’ll be one less worry for you. No PR about her.”

“Roy, if she doesn’t go, I don’t go.”

“Evan….” Susie stared at him.

“Same here.”

She pulled her eyes to Duncan’s. “Don’t. Guys, this isn’t about me. I’m a big girl; I can take care of myself. Do what’s right for the band. Don’t work things around me.”

“You’re wasting your breath, Suse. We’ve known ever since we’ve known Evan that you come before the band.”

Mike was serious. And he didn’t even seem to mind. She looked back at her best friend. Before the band? He had wanted this forever. It couldn’t be true. But he didn’t argue. He wouldn't in front of her.

“Well, in that case, Roy, you might want to quit fighting it. Raucous won’t be much good without guitar or bass. Three piece bands can work, but they do need one or the other.” Mitch leaned back in his chair, amused.

“You can make that two-piece. I’m with them.”

Doug glanced at Stu. “That goes without saying. None of us are going anywhere without all of us.”