Fun Things to Do in Wal-Mart

Treat every item you pick up as you shop as a long-lost friend. Greet it loudly and exclaim how good it is to see it again.

Ask the brooms and mops to dance. Then pick one up and waltz around with it.

Pretend to answer the toy phones and make believe you're listening to an obscene phone call. Slam down the receiver and look disgusted.

In the dog food section, have a debate with your buddy over which flavor tastes the best.

Snort every once in a while. Loudly. Act like it's nothing if you get stared at.

Try out the chairs in the furniture area. Do a Goldilocks routine by commenting how hard or soft or squishy each one is.

In the crafts section, play with the yarn like a cat. Hiss at anyone who tries to take it away from you.

Try on two different kinds of shoes and dance crazy for a minute. Stop, shake your head in defeat, take them off, and do it all over again.

Walk around with a box of lice treatment and scratch at yourself conspicuously. Watch how many people move out of your way.

Write weird/goofy messages on the MagnaDoodles in the toy department. (NOTE: I do this any time I walk past one. Things like: 'I saw what you did' or 'I like gravy')

Grab a ball (soccer, basketball, huge rubber bouncy---the bigger, the better) and try to hatch it on one of the benches. Squawk occasionally, flap your arms, and encourage the little hatchling to come out and greet the world.

Talk to the plants in the garden area as if they could hear you. Promise to feed them more raw meat. Glare suspiciously at passers-by who look at you questioningly.

Put packages of tampons/pads into carts of male shoppers. Put jock-itch cream into women's carts. Be sneaky.