My Disturbing Date

         I once leapt out of a moving car to escape a bad date. I was stranded by another date and walked nine and a half miles home. I even had a date who fell asleep at the movies. It wouldn't have been bad except he snored... loudly. However, nothing before could have prepared me for my date with Ed.


         I was set up with Ed by my brother and his wife as a spur of the moment date for an event that happens here in Florida. Known as "Guavaween", it is a festival that occurs near Halloween. Besides elaborate parades, complete with bead throwing and outrageous costumes, it includes a night of live bands from country music to heavy metal, and, of course, beer... and lots of it. I was younger, less worldly, and trusted my 'bro', so I said, "Sure, I'll go with you guys."


         Ed was a strapping young lad. Nice looking, friendly, seemingly normal. I was pleasantly surprised. The outer shell belied his underlying weirdness which became ever increasingly apparent as the night progressed. My first indication was when he insisted upon separating the two of us from our little group. He was my brother's neighbor after all, so I figured it would be all right. Ed then went in search of beer and ordered three at the first place he found. Two for himself, one for me. Only, as luck would have it, he had left his wallet at home. (Hmmm. O.K.) Well... he did say he would pay me back. This went on for several more rounds.


         The night continued. By now the parade was over and the mayhem had begun. The Hari Kristnas were dancing in the street with the grown men wearing diapers and the group of people dressed as toothpaste and toothbrushes. All good until the police tried to move the crowds out of the street onto the sidewalk. At which point, Ed totally freaked out. "I hate cops! I hate cops!" He frantically shouted, dragging me into some nearby shrubbery and forcing me down to my knees to 'hide'. This was just too weird for me and I suggested we leave. "Let's go back to the car and wait for Johnny and Claire." Thankfully, he agreed. It then took a turn for the worse.


         On the way to the car with another 'round' of beers in hand, we decide that a port-a-potty would be in order. Easily found, however, the lines were horribly long. No matter, I had to go and by the looks of Ed's grimace, he did too. We waited and amazingly the line moved quickly. I went first and being a trooper, was not surprised that there was no 'moon tape' (toilet paper) left in the stall. Hah! I always come prepared. I exited and Ed was next in line, but suddenly, this tall blond chick cut in front of him darting into the tiny stall. Ed got mad. The tall girl's brunette friend began spouting apologies when Ed just let loose. Yes, folks, much to my dismay, Ed wet himself. The little brunette was as shocked as I, but nowhere near as discrete. She started pointing and shouting to anyone and everyone within hearing distance. I wanted to die... I wanted to run...I waited until he was done, grabbed his hand and led his drunken self to the car where we could wait for my brother.


         Icing on the cake? Oh, yeah. While we were waiting, Ed decided that it would be a good time to 'make out'. (No!!!) Bless his heart, he even told me that he loved me....(Awww) followed closely by, "What did you say your name was?"

Gee, I don't think I could have been any happier to see my brother and his wife arriving at the car right at that moment. I thought that was the end of it, until he called the next day.... My sister-in-law had given him my number! I promptly told him to "Lose it."