Toenail Treachery

Dear Aunt Blabby,
I have an ingrown toenail that makes it very difficult to walk. This means that whenever the phone rings, I can't get to it in time! I can't afford to call people back. What should I do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Tired ~
Aunt Blabby is utterly devastated to learn of your crippling affliction, and hopes you'll find comfort in the fact that you've been accorded Top Priority Status in the ever popular, award winning Metatarsal Prayer Forum. Now, on to suggested solutions for your plight...

1. Give that new, over-the-counter medicine, "Toegaine" a whirl. It's all the rage of late in television and radio ads ~ I think there's a picture of a Gecco and a Chihuahua beating the snot out of a Dermatophyte on the label.

2. Change your answering machine's outgoing message to: "Hold your water, Bub! I'm gimping to the phone as fast as I can! Now call back and let it RING, for cyin' out loud!"

3. Purchase Matthew Lesko's new book, Make a Fortune Pilfering the Government's Pork Barrels! Utilize it apply to the Toenail Impairment Disability Endowment Foundation for emergency relief funds, and with the proceeds, hire a live-in, FDA-Inspected, FEMA-Certified, USDA-Choice Toenail-Impaired Victim's Advocate to answer the cotton-pickin' phone for you. (An under-educated Rhesus monkey can also fill the bill in a pinch).

Aunt Blabby hopes with all her plaque-plagued heart that you'll find comfort and solace in this, your pedal appendage's darkest hour. Best wishes for an expedient recovery sans any unhappy returns!

Yours in nailbeds,
Aunt B.

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