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| >> Static Item >> Column >> Comedy >> ID #883166 |   |
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Dear Auntie Blabby,
Where in tarnation were you when I had to have my dear, sweet tonail ripped from my right-handed foot twice within three months? Had I known the compensation, I would have fore-gone the grueling, repeated stabbing of the needle and tearing out of the nail from said limb. Also, I'm a bit perplexed by your reference to the state flower of Ohio being "mildew". As a native of this state, I was under the assumption that the state flower was corn fertilized with hog poop. But, you are the expert! Alas, I stand corrected. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gentle Reader~ You've absolutely no idea how monumentally distressed Aunt Blabby is to hear of the malicious acts perpetrated against your hapless, innocent toe. Until attacked so heartlessly, I'm certain your toe had been entirely virginal guitless of any criminal activity, save, perhaps, having a somewhat roguish nail in its bed. Renown for my heightened level of enlightenment and being extremely non-judgmental, Aunt Blabbly frimly believes that toenails should be accorded generous measures of latitude in chosing who or what to get in bed with. (You should pardon the dangling preposition.) Adding to my outrage regarding your plight is the fact that these vicious assaults were perpetrated against your "right handed foot", leaving you the poor thing only two equally distasteful options: 1) switch to being left handed (which would have resulted in your toppling over in breezes a lot) or 2) discontine writing checks and signing important documents altogether. Aunt Blabby holds an unwavering conviction that Podiatrists are second only to Dentists in their seemingly innate propensity for ~ and thinly veiled enjoyment of ~ inflicting murderous pain as often and intensely as humanly possible. For that matter, the only part of administering anesthesia they seem to hold no grudge against is shot-gunning multipe painful injections with a square-tipped needle moments before the serious carnage begins. Aunt Blabby prays that your toenail is now hale and hearty, but should you find yourself once more cowering in your Podiatrist's execution chamber, does have a bit of advice to offer for levelling the playing field. Just before the doctor begins, lean forward in your chair, take his family jewels into your dominant hand, look him dead in the eye and say, "We're not going to hurt each othere ~ are we?" Of course, if your doctor happens to be a woman, I'm afraid yer on yer own. Oddly enough, I, too, was an Ohioan prior to fleeing to Texas. (Don't ask.) GO, BUCKS! I believe the decision to switch the state flower from hog-fed corn silk to mildew and the state bird from cardinals to sparrows was a direct product the State Legislators' newly embraced philosophy of, "Go with what you have a poopload of". These changes were passed, I believe, during the same State Senate session as the new Ohio Proclamation Bill, which formally declares that the reason trees in Toledo trees bend to the north because Michigan majorly sucks. As to you standing corrected, please ~ cease immediately. Standing like that for any appreciable length of time is bad for the toenails. Love and cornpads, Yer old Aunt Blabby ~~~ READ MORE OF AUNT BLABBY'GREATEST HITS ! ~~~ "HELP! I'm Addicted to Writing.com!"  ASR: It happens to the best of us... "Safety Precautions When Peeling Eyeballs" ASR: The heartbreak of Online Eye Abuse... "Six Degrees of Lover Separation..." ASR: What is one to do when a lover is far, far away? "My Family Tree Doesn't Branch..." ASR: Issues ranging from Black Sheep in the family to White Shoes at a late-summer funeral... "Cradle Robbers Anonymous..." ASR: Navigating the heady but dangerous waters of dating the "Significantly Younger" "Toenail Treachery" ASR: The agony of ingrown toenails and the ecstasy of da feet " Aunt Blabby should expose herself ???" ASR: A faithful reader decries apathy... "Take My Husband ~ PLEASE !" ASR: HUSBAND ADVISORY: Keep yer head down and yer powder dry... "So Glad You're There for Me..." E: Aunt Blabby's very first little lost lamb wanders in... "Pickled Parts is Pickled Parts" ASR: Donating impaired body organs ~ the Pros & Cons "" The Taming of the Podiatrist "" ASR: Adventures in agony...
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