Safety Precautions When Peeling Eyeballs

Dear Aunt Blabby, I´m really tired and want to go to bed. What do suggest as the most painless way of scraping your eyeballs off the computor screen? / AL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest AL,
Though God and all His heavenly hosts know that Aunt Blabby loves you more than her luggage, you MUST get your rest. How can you expect the admirably high caliber of writing you generously bestow upon your many fans here in Writingdotcomville not to be brutally hampered by forcing it to run on naught but fumes? Aunt Blabby encourages you to try what works handsomely for her regarding eyeball extraction and re-insertion in such trying circumstances. Use baby oil, lanolin, peanut butter, or some other similar lubricant to loosen the orbs from the screen to avoid tissue damage. Then rinse in sterile water and pop 'em back into their sockets. If your eyes are like mine, you will want to insure that the correct color eye is returned to the appropriate socket. A word to the wise ~ do NOT use KY Jelly in this process!
You might need it later for entirely more pressing and pleasurable endeavors. Also to be wholly avoided is the use of WD-40 to dislodge the eyeballs from your screen ~ I've discovered through horrifying personal experience that WD-40's osmality tends to suck the draw the aqueous humor right outta yer eyeballs via the chemical process of diffusion. In my case, the deflated eyeballs nestled rathered nicely amongst my cavernous wrinkles, resulting in precious little difference in my visage and remaining largely unnocticed. For a nubile, supple-skinned, radiantly youthful lady such as yourself, however, shrunken eyeballs would very likely stick out like the proverbial sore thumb, resulting in pesky National Enquirer-type publicity and posing massive problems for you on multiple socializational fronts. Save the WD-40 for when your chastity belt lock freezes up.

Myopically yours,
Aunt Blabster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Auntie Blabb, Thank you so much for your useful advice. Besides just being so learned, you must be psychic as well. I was actually born with one blue and and one brown eye, but the blue one has changed to a greenish brown over the years. I´m so glad you mentioned putting the right color where it´s supposed to go; I could easily have overlooked that one. On the other hand, it might be quite uplifting to change ones´ old look from time to time. Yours forever, / AL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~