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| >> Static Item >> Column >> Comedy >> ID #883192 |   |
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Dear Aunt Blabby,
I'd like to donate my husband's body to science. Unfortunately, he's not dead yet. From an ethical standpoint, is it alright to end a single individual's life... prematurely, in order to save thousands? If not, could you tell me whether there are any places I could donate his body to while he's still using it? Just wanting to do her part, tiredartist. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Wanting, How Aunt Blabby wishes she had a nickel for every time a wife has come to her, hopefulness positively ETCHED upon her plaintive, harried visage, making precisely the same inquiries you've put forth here! Ever attentive to the needs of her flock, Aunt Blabby has a developed a clever Standard Protocol for dilemmas such as yours, its premise wholly foundational upon both of the alternatives you cited. Do read on, Dearie... Consider, for a moment, the negligible number of BTU's of energy Hubby expends on such things as house work, quality time and/or conversation with you, foreplay, etc. Aunt Blabby suspects that once you've pondered that and crunched a few numbers, you'll swiftly realize that he's about half a click short of being a walking coma patient. Hence, your little problem becomes quite handily solveable without having to subject yourself to such dreary daliances as a felony arrest, being strip-searched by a frosty fingered, hang-nailed Lesbian Matron from Hell, being indicted for First Degree Murder and having to have your mail forwarded to the Crowbar Hotel, etc. Simply feed hubby a big meal, (preferably laced with an off-the-charts level of monosodium glutinate), then tell him you need him to do some household chore that's been languishing on your 'Honey Do' list for going on two decades. He, of course, will immediately launch a counter defense in the form of some imaginative sort of Procrastination Overtime End-Run, executed on the wings of a mind-boggling array of arduously schemed escape measures. Most likely, he'll put the ball into play by proceeding, without so much as passing "Go", directly from the dinner table to his beloved Barcolounger. Happily therein ensconsed, he'll shatter world records for swiftly falling into a deep and sonorous somnambulistic state with a Busty Female Midget Wet T-shirt Mud-Wrestling Contest or Professional Putt-Putt Golf Association Reformed Alcoholicc's Tournament blaring away on the boob tube. Monitor him carefully, and once his mouth is gaping sufficiently for his chin to do push-ups on his chest, load him up in the your trusty Batmobile and pull a Lily Tomlin in the movie " 9 to 5 " ...abandon his happy behind in a sheet-covered state on a gurney in the nearest large metropolitan hospital's Emergency Room. It will be hours before anyone bothers to take a look at him, assuring you plenty of time for a leisurely getaway. By the time the medicos DO take note of him, he'll already have been toe-tagged and labeled "DONOR ORGAN STATUS: - DEFCOM FIVE". Wa-LAH!!! Problem solved! I do hope this helps ~ Your black (well... gun-metal grey) -hearted Aunt Blabs ~~~ READ MORE OF AUNT BLABBY'GREATEST HITS ! ~~~ "HELP! I'm Addicted to Writing.com!"  ASR: It happens to the best of us... "Safety Precautions When Peeling Eyeballs" ASR: The heartbreak of Online Eye Abuse... "Six Degrees of Lover Separation..." ASR: What is one to do when a lover is far, far away? "My Family Tree Doesn't Branch..." ASR: Issues ranging from Black Sheep in the family to White Shoes at a late-summer funeral... "Cradle Robbers Anonymous..." ASR: Navigating the heady but dangerous waters of dating the "Significantly Younger" "Toenail Treachery" ASR: The agony of ingrown toenails and the ecstasy of da feet " Aunt Blabby should expose herself ???" ASR: A faithful reader decries apathy... "Take My Husband ~ PLEASE !" ASR: HUSBAND ADVISORY: Keep yer head down and yer powder dry... "So Glad You're There for Me..." E: Aunt Blabby's very first little lost lamb wanders in... "Pickled Parts is Pickled Parts" ASR: Donating impaired body organs ~ the Pros & Cons "" The Taming of the Podiatrist "" ASR: Adventures in agony...
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