I Like a Woman Who Can Fake A Good...

I like a woman who can fake a good orgasm. Unfortunately, good actors are becoming rare. Maybe it's because of the huge demand for female thespians in our gigantic entertainment industry. All the best female actors are sucked out of the dating pool and put to work selling make-up and shampoo. I've seen shampoo commercials that were more sexually "encouraging" than any woman I ever met in my life.

And not only is the quality of female orgasmic acting declining, but women are getting cynical about it. After I spend twenty bucks for a good meal at Shoney's, take her to my tastefully furnished bachelor pad (and don't think good taste comes cheap, even keeping an eye out for sales, nor is it easy to assemble that furniture, but I do it, not for me, but for the Woman)...

Then I have to make a little conversation (never easy) before we get to the whole point of the adventure which is me having to work up a bull-sized sweat in the pursuit of pleasure. And what do I hear? A flat voice saying, "That's it big boy. Pleasure me. Oh, I like that a lot. You're good. Keep it coming. Oh my does this feel good. Oh, oh, oh." I glance up and see that while she "encourages" me, she is also working on her fingernails with an emery board, occasionally chuckling at something David Letterman says on the TV that she insisted we leave on.

Fake it if you must, but please... Take a short course at your local community college. Join your local drama club and learn a few basic things about putting on a convincing performance.

And for God's sake, don't forget to scream. What man doesn't enjoy hearing a blood-curdling scream of pleasure that sends a thrill of fear down his spine? Did I just copulate with one of Satan's minions? The kind of scream that makes the neighborhood dogs start barking. I think that's when you know if you were truly successful with your fake orgasm. Did the dog bark?