Twelve Little Wacky Things

Gone With the Rain

Emerald O'Reilly stood in the pouring rain, watching her beloved city fall into ruins. Rhett, her butler, stood close by holding a huge beach umbrella over her head.

Her old Nanny called from the condominium's patio, "Emerald! Emerald, honey! You come in out of that rain right now! You know you don't know nothin' about building no sand castles, much less a whole city with a lake and a dam."

Emerald rose to her feet and looked at the stormy ocean. Her face was etched with grim determination as she murmured, "Tomorrow is another day." Then she whirled around and marched back to the condo.

She glared at Nanny as she passed her on the patio. "The rain spoiled everything before I could finish my city. And frankly, Nanny, I didn't build a dam."

THE END

Knock Knock

Mike was having a birthday party and his friends were just beginning to arrive for the party. There was a knock at the door and Mike rushed to open it.

"Wait a minute, Mike," said his mom. "Find out who it is before you open it."

"Who is it?" asked Mike.

"Jerry."

"Jerry who?" Mike said and opened the door.

"Jerry Lee think it was Jerry?" asked the hulking maniac standing on the front porch.

Mike slammed the door in his face.

"Who was it?" asked his mom.

"It was the Knock-Knock Maniac. You didn't invite him, did you?"

"No. Of course not, honey. Did you call 9-1-1?"

"I'm dialing it now..."

"Good. What was his joke?"

"Uhh... Knock-knock... Who's there?... Jerry ... Jerry who? ... Jerry Lee think it was me?"

His mom sighed. "That's so lame, Mike."

"I know, mom. You would think with jokes like that he would be harmless..."

"No! Don't ever think that! The police are sure he killed a kid over on Tuckaluck Street."

"Mom, how can you kill someone with a knock-knock joke?"

"The coroner said the little boy laughed so hard he busted his gut."

"I don't believe that, mom."

"Believe it or not, that boy's poor mother still had quite a mess of busted guts to clean up."

THE END

Call Me Cereal

Call me Cereal. I am crunchy, sweet, and dry. Pour milk on me and eat me. Why not? It's breakfast time.

Make me snap, crackle, and pop. Make my fruit loops melt. My coco puffs are all puffed up for you. What are you waiting for?

Do you want to put strawberries on me? Blueberries? Bananas? Do it! I don't care! Anything but brocoli. I'm awful with brocoli. Yuck! Don't even make me think about it.

Ooooo... You're going to use the BIG spoon today. I like that! Ahhh... Look out tonsils, here I come! Yipppeeeeee.......

THE END

Jimmy's Little Toe

Jimmy had a big toe and three average-sized toes, but his fifth toe was very small. At the beach, people would remark on it. "My, that certainly is a tiny little toe!"

When Jimmy was little, he didn't mind so much. In fact, he was kind of proud of his minuscule digit. But when he became a teenager, he became ashamed of his tiny toe and didn't want anyone to see it, so he wore shoes all the time, even when swimming.

Naturally, the shoes became a target of teasing. "Haw haw! Who wears shoes to swim in?!"

Jimmy wondered which was more embarrassing. Wearing shoes when everyone else was barefoot? Or exposing his tiny toe to public view? He thought of extreme measures. Never swim in public? Cut off his toe with an axe? But no solution appealed to him.

One day his Uncle said, "Jimmy, there is only one way to handle this," and, before Jimmy could protest, his Uncle took a photo of Jimmy's tiny toe. A week later a picture of Jimmy's toe was on the cover of a supermarket tabloid. His phone started ringing. "Would Jimmy show his toe on the Today Show?"

He started touring the country as The Boy With the World's Smallest Toe. He was entered into the Guiness Book of Records.

At the end of the year Jimmy and his Uncle celebrated Jimmy's new fame and fortune with a small party. "Show us your toe, Jimmy!" yelled the partygoers. Jimmy jumped up on the table and showed his bare foot with a big grin on his face while the crowd clapped and cheered.

THE END

Home on the Range

"Home, home on the range..."

"Shut up, will ya?"

"Oh excuse me. Are cockroaches not allowed to sing?"

"You better be quiet, Willy, or the human will come and spray us again. You remember what happened last time, don't you?"

"Mmmmmmm.... What a trip! Beautiful!"

"What a trip?! You ran around like a crazy bug, flapping your wings like you were gonna fly away. Then you collapsed and lay on your back for 12 hours staring at the ceiling and kicking your legs a little. You call that a trip?"

"Oh, the dreams I had! You wouldn't understand. You've never been sprayed, dude. You got that uptight attitude. You need a little blast from the Can, man..."

"You're hopless. I'm gonna go hide in a crack in case the human comes back."

"Yeah, you go hide. I'm staying up here on the stove. There's crumbs everywhere! Feast time!"

"Yeah. Maybe it's your last meal."

"Oh go hide in your crack, you loser!... Home, home on the range, where the grease and the crumbs make me smile..."

*PSSSSSSSSSTTT....*

"The Can! I've been sprayed! Oh yes! Oh yes! I see the light! I'm coming, Heaven! Open the pearly gates! I'm coming home..."

THE END


... I Found A Little Rainbow ...

I found a little rainbow;
I laid it on my bed;
I thought it was asleep
But it smelled like it was dead.

My mama said don't worry
They always smell like that;
Pinch your nose with clothespins
And wear an earmuff hat.

And wear your dark sunglasses
In case the "bo" explodes;
Rainbows are unstable
As everybody knows.

Becky's Internal Sibling

Becky was really supposed to be twins, but somehow the other fetus, instead of getting born, ended up inside of Becky and never matured.

When Becky was a little kid, she was aware that "someone else" was very close by. "It" was blind, mute, deaf and dumb, but "it" knew what she was thinking. "It" seemed to live inside of her, so she called "it" the Potty Monster because everytime she went potty, she was afraid this "thing" would crawl out of her and eat her and then it would become her and be able to walk and talk on its own. Then no one would know what had happened to the real Becky.

As Becky grew older, she became obsessed with having everything just so. She didn't want to take any chances that the Potty Monster might get loose. She felt that she had to completely control her world. Only if everything was exactly the way that she arranged it could she be sure that the Potty Monster would remain trapped inside her.

One day some "friends" played a trick on Becky. While she was at Taco Bell with one of them, the other friend was back at Becky's house completely rearranging Becky's room.

After the meal, as Becky approached the front door of her house, she was feeling a pressing indigestion from the many burritos she had eaten, so she ran upstairs desperate to use the bathroom next to her room. She rushed into her room and when she saw what had happened, she began screaming at the top of her lungs. A rumbling grew deep in Becky's bowels. Becky's eyes grew wide with surprise and fright... The Potty Monster was loose!

THE END

Sweet

Once upon a time there were three bars -- Milky Way, Snickers, and Almond Joy. They hung out together so much that people took to calling them the Three Musketeers, but the truth was that they were a nice little family.

One day Almond Joy found herself in quite a Crunch because she wanted to bake a coconut cake and she was all out of coconuts. "I'll go get some, " snickered little Snickers.

On the way to the coconut store little Snickers met old Milky Way coming home from work. Snickers called out, "Paw! I done finished plowing the north forty!" and hurried on by, snickering, leaving Milky Way looking quite puzzled since they all lived together in a high-rise apartment.

Milky Way entered the luxurious apartment (it had cream carpeting and cocoa walls) calling out, "High, Honey, I'm home!"

That was a mistake since there is no honey in Almond Joy and it only served to remind Joy of Milky Way's little fling with young, blonde 'Bit O Honey' the previous fall. "Don't you 'Honey' me, you saturated fathead!"

"Mommy?" said little Mary Jane. "Why do you and Sugar Daddy fight so much?"

"Shut up and go wrap yourself up in small snack-size treats. You know Halloween is coming. And don't forget to feed the Peeps."

Milky Way sighed, picked up the paper and headed to the bathroom to relieve himself of a Tootsie Roll. By the time he came out, Snickers was back with the grated coconut and things had settled down again.

Almond Joy called to him, "I'm baking your favorite cake -- coconut!"

"That's wonderful!" said Milky Way, but inwardly he groaned. Coconut had seemed like an exotic new thrill the first time he tasted it, but now it was coconut and almonds everyday.

Milky Way looked around at his little family -- Joy in the kitchen, Snickers in the corner snickering, and Mary Jane busily wrapping herself in yellow wax paper. "Sweet," he muttered. "Just so sweet..."

THE END

Squeaky the Squeegee

Squeaky the Squeegee had a good job cleaning off windshields at the gas station. It didn't pay much but it kept him wet and soapy.

Since it was a self-service station, Squeaky never knew who might grab hold of his handle. One day a beautiful blonde in a red convertible pulled up to the pumps. Squeaky shivered in anticipation. Would she clean her windshield?

Yes! She used his sponge side to soap down the window good, then she flipped him over and used his rubber blade to squeegee off the suds. She had a firm grip and used long strokes that made Squeaky squeak one of the longest squeakiest squeaks he ever squeaked in his life.

When she was through with him, she tossed him back in the bucket with the other squeegees. "Man!" said one of the other squeegees. "I saw that! Wow!"

Squeaky was so mellowed out that he didn't even try to say anything. He just lay there in the bucket, smiling a little, soaking up the suds.

THE END