The Ones Not Meant To Be.

I have become a woman who I hope you would be proud to know;
You are the ones not meant to be, that I lost so very long ago,
I could not hold you to be born and I felt such a failure then,
As I write this letter I feel the tearing pain, acutely sharp, again.
I wonder what you’d think of me and what I’d think of you.
As my living children strive and achieve I often wonder too.

In nineteen seventy Stephen should have been born a twin,
Now thirty four sometimes I wonder, for when I look at him
I almost can see your shadow standing there at his side;
I know if you had been born I would have double the pride
In my firstborn; although before having him I had lost two.
Were you girls like the doctor said; why couldn’t I hold on to you?

After Stephen came David, just three weeks short of two years,
That's the gap between them; the whole nine months was full of fears.
Nine and a half pounds at birth I really knew that he’d been born,
But elation took away the pain, stitches held where I was torn.
I thought the worst was over then, babies I'd lost only three,
But as I enjoyed my lovely boys, two more were not meant to be.

At the time I was unaware that this sadness would return to me.
In nineteen eighty-two, wonder of wonders I produced a she!
One of you I lost in 'seventy-four and the other in 'seventy-six,
The shock I felt, the utter despair, for a long time I couldn’t mix
With friends, especially if they had their young babies around.
For a time my sons were hard to hold, and I almost found

What losing my sense of direction and my mind, really meant,
I thought I'd never feel right again, my emotions were all spent.
I cried so often, but inside, so my eyes would not always be red,
But when others slept I’d sob and sob, so much I’d shake the bed.
So far this letter may appear to you, to be all about just me,
But I just want you five to know what your losses meant, you see;

Seven times I’d been pregnant although I gave birth to only three
I know I would have loved you all, I hope you would have loved me.
I was not rich in money, but I’d have given the world to have all of you,
I’m so sorry I didn’t get the chance your dear little faces to view.
The doctors said the problem was that girls my body rejected,
But they couldn’t really explain it and just as I had suspected

They were wrong; and I truly do believe, that for all the five of you
I gave birth to my darling Amber in nineteen eighty-two.
I looked at her beautiful face, born eleven years after her brother,
As I held her; I said goodbye to each of you, one after the other.
I want you to know, you have not gone, we’ve never been apart;
Not born in life, not meant to be, but you live within my heart.