Not Another Horrorscope!

Sagittarius--Mercury is rising and that means big things are in store for you. Looks like an exciting game of tic tac toe with a rabid marmoset will be on your agenda today.

Scorpio--Friends are not on your side today. In fact, one of your closest pals will push you into oncoming traffic. What's worse is that you're wearing a skunk costume when it happens.

Libra--Your greatest fear will be realized when authorities discover you were responsible for that nasty garden hose incident. Stick close to the zoo instead and gain wisdom from the lemurs.

Virgo--Things get ugly for you when you get abducted by the Peruvian Badminton Resistance. Whatever you do, don't mention eggbeaters. That really sets them off.

Leo--Be on the lookout for rampaging llamas on your way to work today. Someone in your office puts a booger in your coffee.

Cancer--Your priceless collection of Barry Manilow records get stolen by a man wearing a bra on his head. But don't worry, your cat will dislodge a hairball in one of your sneakers.

Gemini--You only think you've found your long lost twin today. Turns out you were standing in front of a mirror.

Taurus--Don't be surprised if you suddenly develop a passion for turtle racing. Go ahead and splurge on that new tortoise. He was built for speed!

Aries--You spark a new romance today. And despite the fact that this person only has three teeth, refuses to bathe, and is disinclined to wear clothing, you are smitten anyway. Looks like it's a match made in heaven.

Pisces--Do not, under any circumstances, eat any sushi today. Instead, have the candy caramel bell peppers. Trust me on this one.

Aquarius--You get to go on a journey today! However you may not enjoy it. After you refuse to pay your bookie, you go for a long walk off a short dock.

Capricorn--Even though it seems like a good idea, don't fill your trousers with gravy and do handstands in the library.