Only this life

The main lesson I have found in adopting a Zen attitude is that when you have an expectation that something will provide to you whatever it is you are looking for, you will find that you are still the one who has to decide what it is that you want.

To start with, explaining a Zen attitude to someone can really come off sounding dismal. A lot like sharing what’s wrong with your life with someone you haven’t seen for a while. We oft-times characterize ourselves by the troubles we endure, to show our merit by the challenges we have overcome. A strong person isn’t made by having a lot of things going your way, and there is a tendency to think that because someone has it easy in one aspect of life, that their life is easy overall. My judgment of others, no matter how right it seems to me, is prone to be flawed, since it deals with another person. Zen can teach the best way to deal with others, and it starts with dealing with yourself.

The first thing that I did in trying to establish a Zen attitude is to try to stop using any clichéd statement or thought over and over, without determining its validity. Following any saying because of its familiarity rather than its meaning can open you up to a bunch of actions and results that you didn’t expect. Cliches have the familiar comfort in them, we hear them yet not think about the meaning. They’re used to end conversations, reinforce a point, and are sometimes mistaken for personal wisdom.

A Zen attitude is much more than a saying, or sayings that are attributed to it. That’s why telling someone that Zen states that our lives are full of suffering, and all of that suffering we bring upon ourselves doesn’t create the image of a warm-hearted welcome into a lifestyle that sets you free.
So what is it that attracts such a wide audience to the Zen teachings?

When faced with a problem, I immediately look around at what is the easiest, or simplest thing that I can do to try and fix the problem. Let’s take a light switch not working – I flick the switch and nothing happens. So, as is my nature, I try it again. In the digital age, we reboot the machine and try the same thing that didn’t work the first time. The good thing about computers is that sometimes they respond positively to this corrective action and the thing actually starts working. If it doesn’t start working, or the second flick of the switch doesn’t turn the light on, then its time to do something else. I used to get mad because what I wanted to happen didn’t happen and now I am required to do a whole other set of actions to get the light to work.

I used to get disturbed by this sequence of actions, because I had already set up what I was going to do next. What I have to do next may not be what I originally planned, but it is what life has placed in front of me right now. And if that’s what is needed to get by, then that is what I will focus on.

With a light switch and for so many things that I deal with during the day, I look for the easiest thing that I can control, find an external handle to the internal process that I’m trying to influence. Sometimes that handle has a limited motion, as is the case of the switch. With people, that handle usually is verbal communication – that’s the only way I can immediately influence them, according to me. According to them, all I’m doing is disturbing their activities. They ultimately decide whether to take the information and follow it or do something else. Their choice is right for them, regardless if it was my choice for them. And when something like that happened before and my advice wasn’t followed, I would use this scenario to reinforce in my mind that I knew better than them. The same ego that just got through patting itself on the back wouldn’t be concerned with the actual outcome for the other person. That person was headed down the wrong path so far as I was concerned, nothing good could come of it. And for myself, because I was mainly concerned with being right as evidenced by someone else doing what I wanted, well I just missed another opportunity to learn a little more about life. Whenever I stay within the tracks of my familiar thoughts, my mind is closed to the little wonders that life gives. Now I catch myself when I fall into a familiar stance and stop thinking about myself so much and take in the details of life.

The attraction of Zen for me was the absence of formalities. It’s not so much of a religion as a way. And even then, it is only a pointing the way, and I’m still the one who decides what to do. I had always thought that given a choice, I would choose to be happy. I was waiting for the official question to be given to me. Well, I’ve realized that I am given that choice every day, every hour – all the time, and the way that I am living right now is the choice that I am consciously making.

One literal translation of the word Zen is ‘you first’. It poses itself not as a dictator or a king, not as your loving parent or life-partner. It doesn’t explicitly offer peace of mind or self-fulfillment. All of those things you have to get yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else, you know what would bring you peace of mind right now. That’s what I thought, I know me – who else is better placed to answer this question. This turned out to be another paradox, but it was only because of the way I was looking – I was only seeing the things I wanted instead of seeing my entire life. When I really looked at my life, this is what I found out – these were the choices that I was making.

The me in my mind was different than the me that I acted like, the person I was to others. The person in my mind was honest and trustworthy, knowing the right way to act. Quite a few actions that I did perform needed rationalization to fit my own description of myself. And rationalization is a dictionary word which means a justifiable lie. I always had reasons why I didn’t do the best thing, why I didn’t follow through on my word, why I kept to myself. I knew what I should do, it‘s just that I had more pressing reasons for doing something else. The morning or day after, even sometimes later in the night, I’d be saying to myself “I shouldn’t have done that.” And sometimes, I held onto that admission as being a testament to my inner strength rather than seeing the disparity between my thoughts and my actions. After the fact, it’s so easy to say what should have been done. It doesn’t change the past but it does help out in recognizing the situation the next time. I’m trying to follow that inner voice, it knows how I will judge my actions and keeps influencing me to do the right thing.

Over time, the path of my intentions and my actions more frequently share the same way. And even when I stray, it’s better to acknowledge those times than to disown them. I do not think I will ever attain perfection in this lifetime, therefore all these challenges that I encounter serve as continuing education for me. The person I am includes all these faults, has certain fears, gets nervous at certain times – all those things are a part of me which I need to embrace. I’m not a different person when I am nervous, I am the same person that is feeling different than I usually do, maybe for a good reason, maybe not. But that is the necessary understanding, to determine why I am feeling that way – what is the source for those feelings. The main thing that I learned is that I can find the cause if I calm down enough to look for it. And that is the trick – getting past the anxiety to determine the root cause and many times it is because I am going into a situation in which I am not the one who will be controlling what happens. There will be someone else who will be making the decision for me, sometimes based upon my own ability to convince them as in a job interview and sometimes based on a physical condition as in a trip to the dentist.
I try to embrace all those things that I am, that way I can acknowledge truthfully who I am and what I would like to work on.

In doing this soul-searching, the one thing I always watch out for is that “I am the easiest person that I can convince.” Without thinking, I can believe me, because it’s me. I convinced myself of that – see how easy that was!
Taking that through every day, I can easily make poor decisions based on the fact of what I want to do. And that leads on to another Zenism “What does wanting have to do with it?” We place so much importance as it is actually an external affirmation of our own value system - I want a new car, I want to do that. When I consider my thoughts and words during the day, it is overwhelming how I use my wanting as the judgment as to whether I should do something.

Here’s my take on the unknowing importance that I placed on ‘wanting’ - It is left over from our childhood. I don’t remember much of my childhood before I was 11. I remember a lot about my children’s childhood, so I am going to use what I learned from them and say it also happened to me when I was a kid.

Everything is not your size when you’re a kid, even the stuff that’s made for you is a different size than everything else, which seems out of reach. Everything of interest seems to happen to the grown-ups, even with all the recent kid stuff, the world still seems out of reach when you’re a child. At an early age, you start to figure out what you can do on your own, because you want to start being able to do and get things on your own. You want the ball, you crawl and fall and finally get it. Now what? If you’re lucky, you are encouraged by some observer “Way to go, you got it”. There’s a smile from the child’s face that everyone enjoys to see and little by little, this scene is repeated with bigger goals and bigger rewards and sometimes a smile. “I want this now.” You got it? Good. You didn’t? Better luck next time (like not getting it was a failure). All that repetition, all that attention over and over. From the time we can crawl up until now - our goal ends up being to get what we want. Simple as that.

Along the same lines, but on the opposite side of the value system is “I don’t want that”. How common those words to come from a child’s mouth, and it does sound childish, except when I say it. And to help the child along, to keep them in the warmth of their own satisfaction, the adults mostimes say “That’s okay, you don’t have to do it.”
Years go by, and these patterns stay the same. As adults, we are making that same judgment constantly throughout the day – I don’t want that, I want that. Looking for that same sense of accomplishment that came to us a child. Looking for that same power that someone else confirmed we had by saying “You don’t have to do it, then” or “Great job, you got what you wanted.”

Can it be that easy? Can it be that I like vanilla so much now because it was my favorite flavor when I was a kid, and I have eaten it 8 million times since I was 3. It is such a part of me that I don’t even think about how it tastes or other alternatives or whether it’s a good or bad choice – it’s just something I want. How much of our character is composed of all those experiences when we were a child? I didn’t want to think that I was still the kid from the pictures of so many years ago. And then I see within my own children now, this day, the blossoming of the person who’s been there since the beginning as a seedling. And the way they handle themselves in situations has grown over the years, sometimes completely changed from the way they were. And I know why, because they have grown from that small person into a full person, and I have grown also.

Before, I wanted things my way. Now, I’ve realized that in only doing the things I want, I’m limiting my experiences in life, I‘m missing out on things because I am placing myself first once again. So what real difference does it make if I want something or not, this is what life is offering. I’ve slowly tried to take my want out of the picture. It slides in so easily, but little by little, like all these other things I’m working on, I’m getting the hang of it.

Continuing from the child development, as I grew out of childhood and starting encountering all those things that characterize an adult’s life - a job, a wife, kids, house along with the things that were always with me before - friends and family, my time could be seen as being stretched thin. The trick that I found is rather easy - focus on the activity at hand. Sure, there are a lot of things that you could be doing, a lot of things that need to be done, but if you are occupying yourself with something that is worthy of your time, then that is reason enough to give it your full attention. The garage will keep, the grass may grow a little more, even that downtime that you feel you constantly deserve can be put off if there is something that requires your attention. Our life is fuller not by the amount of things we do, it is fuller by the quality of our time spent. You can spend the entire weekend running from one thing to the next, and on Sunday night you feel there is nothing accomplished. In these days of constant movement, we try to be like a high speed connection linking all the areas of our life, and we end up with the same feeling of surfing the TV or the Web for a half hour – nothing substantial has happened for us, except there has been a passage of time. Activity is not accomplishment.

This leads into another notion that got embedded into my psyche when I was a child. I always thought that something was worthwhile as long as I had fun. I even thought that was my determining criteria for what I should or shouldn’t do. This usually followed the ‘I want’ attitude, in the standard line “I want … to have fun.” Of course, as a kid, I didn’t really bother with the meaning of things so I used that statement pretty much all through High School, not concerned about what it actually produced, I liked presenting myself as a person whose main ambition was fun. It’s not a problem in itself, it’s just that I didn’t grow past that attitude. It reminded me of my youth, the carefree days. By using that standard year after year, I could say that for the most part that I had a good time during the year, but didn’t accomplish anything. Accomplishment was tied to work, and I didn’t work at anything because work isn’t fun, work was defined as anything I wouldn’t voluntarily do. It doesn’t sound ‘responsible’ when it’s written out like that, when I verbalize the reasons behind my actions. Although, when I write it out, it is very revealing because I am being truthful.

This was blatantly evidenced to me through music. I have been playing the guitar for 25+years and love playing music, and even with all that I never attempted to better my own musical ability because that was work. I quit piano lessons because it started to be work. Playing the guitar was easier, and when I had a guitar in my hands, I wanted to have fun now, and work isn’t fun. Using that logic, I made very minimal advances in my guitar technique for the better part of twenty years. Once I created my own mantra “Gotta have fun”, I held on to it, I rationalized it through my own playing, and playing the same songs over and over. Through contacts with friends, a jam session came around in which I was asked whether I knew anything more recent than the songs that I had been playing for twenty years. Between the four of us, I was the only trained musician in the group so I had to get better if I wanted the group to get better. I started ‘working’ learning songs. The amazing part is that when the work was completed, and I could play a song that I never thought I would, I felt so much better about my musical ability. I felt like I accomplished something and then I approached the next challenge, and it was work, but it was worth it.

How common is it to hear “Did you have fun?”. Which makes it sound like that is the ultimate standard of what makes the time spent worthwhile. And it is so common as to almost be a cliché – overused without true meaning. The other problem with that statement is that it assumes fun is defined the same for everyone. I now think the ultimate ‘fun’ is an accomplishment, I have increased my knowledge – about life, music, someone else, that is the gauge of fun for me because all those things helps me better understand life. It is the best use of time, it brings a smile to my mind which I always try to show on my face.

This relates right into another concept that is so prevalent in our everyday life - time. Time is the currency of life – and you only have so much to use. No matter how you try to fool yourself otherwise. How you spend it determines your values, and if we look at time the same as we look at money – everything we spend it on can have a short, mid or long term return for our investment. Some returns have more substantial impact than others. Concrete actions vs. passing time. Your memory holds the receipts, when & how much – your character is composed of the ‘why’ you spent it. Your maturity is in the foreknowledge of the definitive investment return and the risks involved for the potential return. Every person, every situation is like a bill asking you for your time – some are one-time payments. Others continue on and on – the more you want something, the less you mind paying for it because you have determined it to be worth it.

A side-track here to another Zenism, which is attributed to the more strict Zen doctrines which states that no intoxicants should be taken, and hopefully this next section will be the only reference to intoxication. One of the effects I experienced in the first few drinks is that time seems to slow down, things seems to have more meaning, and that I am more open minded and able to express otherwise unexposed thoughts. Of course, intoxicants affect different people in different ways, and not everyone drinks for the same reason – like you need a reason when you want to have a drink. That extra time I felt through the effects was only a marker for the time necessary to recuperate, be it from a fitful sleep or even a headache the next day. And what would I say the next day as to why I did that? The common reasons for a drink “It’s relaxing” or the re-usable “I deserved it” implying for all the time you spend not on yourself, you should be allowed a little leeway in winding down. In thinking about the notion that time is the currency of life, in this situation I threw away both time and money for what would be labeled as ‘Fun’, because, in the old course of rationalization, that made whatever I did worthwhile. In the Zen tradition, anything that clouds your mind will impair your judgment and your ability. In an even older Zen tradition, there are Zen masters that still drink wine because as will always be stated – Zen is only the way – you determine how and where you will go. And if you can have some wine, and control your intake, then that is your decision. Remember the honesty when thinking of your own actions.

I noticed many of the same themes in my life as I became more mindful. And a consistency of character is something that I am striving for, however when I viewed only my consistent actions, and not the explanations or reasons that I had for those actions, I saw a person who wasn’t consistent with his thoughts. Though, there were traits which I could admire – the person who gave all the time necessary to his children, even to the point of taking time away from his precious self or his loving wife. And the reason this type of selflessness could not be extended to others was unknown at the time. My kids’ time was worth it, anything else was time meant for me. I was still looking for that acknowledgement of my self-worth from others. And what were these others concerned with? Getting somebody to acknowledge them, just like I was trying to get someone to acknowledge me. It’s a stand-off chess match with only the two kings left slowly moving one space at a time, hoping for the other person to recognize the cleverness of the move, while the other person is concerned with figuring out how to position themselves so you recognize their worth. All the time, both sides could become satisfied if they stopped worrying what they looked like and told the other guy “Good Move.”

How real is this – how much should I spend being considerate of others? I have nothing to lose in doing so and only feel better about the person I am becoming during this.

There is a small deterrent that I have encountered in trying to be considerate of others. Some people act as if they like to be miserable. They value their worth in the fact that they can determine what is wrong with anything. So you are nice to them over and over and they are the same bitter person. Or maybe this is an estranged family member who you keep trying to be nice to and they just can’t get over the fact that you don’t act the way they want you to. There is something in the past that they can’t accept in the way you acted.

There is no answer to making everyone happy. Happiness is a quality that everyone will attest that they want to achieve, but, just like fun, happiness is individually defined. Also, I am not ultimately responsible for someone else being happy – I can make them comfortable, can give them what they tell me they want, but in the end they are the ones who decide. Whenever I think that I am unhappy, I take a look at the situation absent of my own self interest. So many times, I realized that I was unhappy because other people were acting different than the way I wanted. They wanted more than I was willing to give – that is the reason I broke up with every girl before my wife. I was stuck within my own self-righteousness – and how right I felt and how wrong they could be. When I think of only myself, I set myself up to be unhappy.

Here’s a very important point about Zen – release your expectations and you make your life easier. This is a little like saying “Hand me that grand piano.” It can be accomplished, but not in the simplistic manner in which the statement was made. Our vocabulary allows us to say things that are easy to acknowledge the truth of the statement, yet doesn’t make the actual accomplishment of the action any easier.

Expectations – I carry so many within me. And if you want to get to a certain level of detail, how can you not have expectations. Think about your car, your job, your PC and that light switch. This can spread out to so many things, and in explaining this, I have to reference a topic that’s been covered. I hear many variations of the following statement: “I thought this was going to happen.” Replace this and happen with whatever noun and verb according to the situation. “I thought the technician was going to fix the problem.” “I thought you were going to love me.” This is an expectation, but is it based on what you know or what you want. There is a big difference between the meaning of those words (know and want), even though they are interchanged so much. What is it that we want? For things to go the easy way for us. What justifies this expectation? Because there has been no indication that it should go any different. Arguments that sound very logical can sometimes hold no ground. The answer to why this explanation, even though it sounds logical, needs to be explored a little more gets into a few subtle points like advertisements and trend analysis.

Nothing is advertised to cause you problems. No advertisement will tell you that it requires more time than you are willing to give. An advertisement is a salesmen, you only going to find out the benefits of the product and when the time comes, you will be reminded that nothing is as easy as that.

Trends – we notice negative trends so much more than any positive trends. Before, whenever I wrote down any of my thoughts when things were going well, it would only be a few lines. But when things were going not my way, the ink would flow and the pages would be covered.

I am always careful to use the words that I mean. When I use “I know”, it is because I have facts, not hopes, of what may happen, “I want” is full of expectation.

We realistically couldn’t plan our day without a few expectations. The sun to come up, the car to start, the day to be warm, on and on. So, I’d like to make an easy distinction. I was thinking in terms of scientific or mechanical, but we might as well start at the core.
Expectations of yourself. These can be the dreams or the everyday actions. This is within my grasp. I am the one who determines what I do with my time, where I spend my energy and what is important to me.

Expectations of others. Well, now this is the total grey area. You may have a good reason to believe that someone will do something, but they have the final say. They may have wanted to do whatever for you but something came up and got in their way. “It’s the thought that counts.” Another saying - which means that we don’t immediately agree with it. Think about what is really behind these words that you hear so often. To me, this saying is a clichéd excuse created by somebody who couldn’t plan their time properly to accomplish the things that they know they should have gotten done. I think everybody has good intentions. And if that’s all we needed to be a productive and happy society, then we would have already had visitors from the outer reaches of the galaxy visiting us because our planet would shine with all the good intentions people have. It’s not what you could have done, or should have done, or wanted to do that has meaning – it’s what you actually did.

You can still make plans. Though, I would say make more promises than plans and keep them all. Until you’re there, a plan definitely helps. But it is the execution of the plan that really gets the job done. Every team has a playbook, and if that is how the outcome of the game was determined then the team with the most wonderful, intricate plays would win. But, it’s the way the team executes the most basic plays that wins the game. And what gets the job done. And you have to do it continually and consistently.

Right actions. Another Zenism. Yes, it is necessary to have those thoughts and it’s good to have those intentions that gets you started, but it is in your actions in which you will influence others and prove that your knowledge is truthful. Zen traverses the entire spectrum for the ‘right’ approach, known as the Noble Eightfold path which includes the Right Understanding, Thought, Speech, Action, Livelihood, Effort, Mindfulness and Meditation which addresses all the things that make up our life.

Expectations of things – machines, etc. Well, we are all in the same boat here, and we expect that boat to float. That is based upon facts, not hopes. And when something breaks, when the light won’t go on, there is a usually a mechanical reason. The trick here is that even though those machines work 99% of the time, the 1% left means there will be the times when it does not work and you are presented with a learning opportunity. Granted, you hadn’t planned for it, but most of life’s best lessons aren’t ‘expected’. And it will never happen when you have the time to deal with it. Will I respond in a way puts me as a victim of the cosmic circumstances, or will I accept that this is what’s happening and that I now have something a little different to do to get what I wanted.

With that knowledge, I can see why expectations are the cause of suffering. To me, it made a whole lot of sense. I can still have my expectations, but I can’t use them as the reason for others to be ‘wrong’ or to have treated you poorly. Everyone has a reason for acting the way they do, whether or not you agree with it is another story entirely.

What is it with other people, anyway? That is one of our biggest challenges - Understanding others. Even those people that I love can act in manners that are completely opposite of what I would expect. Expect or want. Either way, you can see why that no longer applies. If someone doesn’t act the way I want – who has the problem – him or me? Taking the high road on this, I would have to say me. If something doesn’t happen the way I expected it to happen, then I was incorrect along some point in the creating my expectations. I take that stance that I have miscalculated, there is something that I do not know or did not take into consideration when I was forming my own plan.

There is only one person that I can change in this life – me. Once I stopped feeding my ego and let go of my image maintenance and made strides towards reconciling my inner ambitions with my life actions, I actually can think much clearer when dealing with others. All that selfish baggage that I was carrying around to convince others and more importantly convince myself caused much unjustified anguish – mainly towards others because they never recognized the person I thought I was – it was a viral spiral, and there is no way out when you are in it other than totally breaking away. Once I broke out of the cycle, so many things started opening up. One of the first observations was that I was always faulting someone else for something that I wasn’t doing. In work, it’s always easy to define what someone else’s job is. In a relationship, it’s always easy to point out what the other person is not doing for you. As soon as that happens, switch it around. Instead of “I wish she would”, make it “I should do this.” It’s a big change fueled by a familiar motivation – “What have I got to lose?”. If I’m not hung up on my self-image, then nothing. We all learn by example, so why not set it yourself?

Through these discussions, there’s many points that basically come down to ‘being aware’, ‘keep in mind’. This is another root of Zen - Be mindful. This is very important, especially when I come about doing a job that was not in my plan.
With all the activity that can fill up our days, it takes practice to stay in the moment. There are commitments that have been made, deadlines that are expected, monies that are due, on and on, yet no matter what, we are here in this moment, not to only get past it, more to live in it.

Be mindful. Three reasons – you have spent your whole life (knowledgeably or unwittingly) getting to this moment in time, you will never be as young as you are right now, and this is the only life that you are leading.

One thing that I did practice from a very early age was fantasizing. And each one of these daydreams circled around two aspects, which you will notice as a recurring theme – getting something that I wanted and being acknowledged for my talents. Then, I could get into much more complex scenarios, all of them absent from any real-life lessons. No matter how I viewed my own life and no matter how extravagant I could imagine some other life – there is no arguing the point that I am only living this life – where I am a father of two, a husband, a brother of two, a son, a computer guy, a guitarist, a musician with the talents that I have learned so far. If I want to play piano, no amount of fantasizing will make it come true, only through work and practice will I learn how to play. If I focus on this moment and become mindful of the life that I am leading, regardless of what could have happened, I can bring more fullness to my life, it can become more fulfilled. How hard is work when you want to get it done – it is more fulfilling than work.

If you described your life conditions as backdrop for a movie or a book, you can see all there is that you have. And then I wonder – how much of this do I take for granted? How much of this am I not appreciating because I’m thinking of other things I’d rather have? In those activities is Time – time spent on something other than learning how to be happy, content in the life that I have. If you cannot picture yourself as happy in the life that you have, then you have to find out what you can change in order for you to turn it around.

Much of the sorrow that I thought life brought me, I brought on myself – because of the way that I lived. It is true that at certain points, in certain situations, I could blame others for pain that I experienced, Zen suggests that reliving the painful moment over and over only keeps the pain alive, and will keep me from understanding the people that were involved. They only hurt me once, yet I remember over and over. In this case, I am keeping myself from moving forward. Another saying is ‘Forgive and Forget’, from my own standpoint I think that forgetting is best. Too many times, forgiving can be used as a control instrument. Forgiving has a connotation that judges right and wrong, that places the forgiver as better than the forgiven. And really who is to say which one is to blame. Like little kids, they both will usually point to the other.

It’s not a matter of right or wrong. It’s a matter of understanding how your actions may affect others. It’s understanding that others act the way they do for a reason, and it is not to keep you from happiness, it is their own attempt, however sometimes misguided, in bringing themselves happiness. Certain things, although not at all important to you, may be very important to someone else. Once you’re involved, it makes it important to you and it deserves your attention. I relate this directly to caring for someone, whether a child or an elder parent – their needs are so much different than your own during the day, but it is what is important to them at that time.

A good book on Zen. Each of us could write one. I only skimmed over pieces of the Zen doctrine, which is readily available for the people that respond to lists. Over the course of the many books that I have read on Zen and religion and behavior, I tried to put together a small, meaningful examples of how I learned, and why I am so happy these days, with the exact same ingredients in my life as 15 years ago, but as a completely different person in my mind.

With all other information that we take in daily, we figure out what we will use, what we like, what works for us. With the increase of the quantity, speed and availability of data through all the technology advances, I get caught up in trying to process all that information as fast as it is presented. The big difference is that the bits and bytes of technology aren’t trying to better themselves, aren’t trying to make sense of it all, aren’t trying to raise a family and keep their job in today’s marketplace. There is an overabundance of data running through our everyday lives. And much like the advice that I give that can be followed or not, the same is true of all the data that surrounds us daily. My throughput may not be as fast as the latest CPU for single streams of data, but I have the ability to learn from anything and everything that I do, read, hear and see. I can even perpetuate some thoughts on my own that are little pieces from a multitude of sources, combining them all together to create a previously unknown idea. I am trying to live a better life each day, which is not the same goal of a PC or TV.

With the constant influx of extreme experiences as advertised on all types of media, especially TV, where the images always show an exotic location and a carefree attitude, it’s easy to wonder where is my piece of all the excitement. Those images look so real because all the ingredients look the same as our own life – people, places and things. Just like those movies which depict life very differently than what we actual experience, the movie never shows the full consequences of all the events that take place, the movie never shows the 20 hour flight from London to Sydney. But even if you did that or took a flight to the island of your dreams and sank yourself into the native culture, as you sit on the beach at night, you are still with yourself. All those things that you think about will still be with you wherever you go. The vacation that you take can be seen in two ways. It is only temporary, but it will stay with you a long time. That’s the paradoxical, forgiving nature of Zen. It doesn’t forsake the moment for the future. It reminds us that this moment isn’t isolated by itself – you are not just sitting on the beach. All the time you spent working to save your money for the trip, the plans, even going far back to the child you were, all these things come into play each and every day. If you try to think about all of it, it could be overwhelming. And that’s where you learn to take the pieces that you have right now, and keep an open mind for what you may need to do soon. Be it later tonight, or in 5 years.

Be at home in this moment.

On that island beach, I’ve realized that each moment builds upon the one before. When I am sitting relaxing in the warmth of the evening breeze, I can thank all those other moments when I purposely acted to make this happen. Through all the days of work, the planning and the packing, the work to actually get here and here I sit. Still with myself, still with everything that I have done up to this moment, my mind content that a moment like this can happen to a person like me. The light switch has been turned on and the Zenergy flows within me.

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Once I started looking at the list of sayings that are frequently used, it appears that they hold an intrinsic value of Zen – a paradox. What is stated is not the actual underlying meaning. Another quality of a cliché is how it defies contradiction in the actual statement the dictionary definition of the words.

Here’s a list of clichés, my take on their true meaning and the reason why it can’t be contradicted in its dictionary meaning. Most times, if the cliché is used as the final argument, the only way to find out what the person wants or has decided is to ask in a roundabout way. If you ask for help in understanding their position, instead of arguing against them, you have a better chance for understanding.

“We’re all adults here”
Meaning: I don’t want to have to explain myself any further because everyone else should have reached the same conclusion as me.
The Literal Contradiction: “No, I’m not an adult”.

“Tomorrow’s another day”
Meaning: I’m done dealing with this today because my expectations of how much I wanted to accomplish weren’t met and I’m not accepting blame.
The Literal Contradiction: “There is no tomorrow”.

“You would think…”
Meaning: This is how I would handle the situation based on what I want.
The Literal Contradiction: “I don’t think what you think is important”.

“Think outside the box.”
Meaning: I want something different that what you would usually give me. Somehow, stop using the same knowledge and logical thinking that has gotten you this far and go against your gut feel.
The Literal Contradiction: “Where is the box?”. An interesting point in this saying that is attributed to a good musician friend of mine is “How big is this box that I gotta think outside it?” In this case, you could ask for a literal definition of the box in question.

“I was only having fun.”
Meaning: “I was thinking only of myself.”
The Literal Contradiction: “No, you weren’t having fun.” is about a childish a contradiction that you can state.

“They/he/she should do this…”, etc.
Meaning: “I want them to do this for me.” Variations on this theme are so commonplace as to be considered fair topical conversation. Be careful whenever you pass judgment on what someone else should be doing.
The Literal Contradiction: “They shouldn’t do that” gets into the yes it is/no it isn’t childlike argument.

“I’m so stressed out” – “I’m so busy” – any variation on that theme.
Meaning: “I can’t plan my time well enough to do all the things I planned.”
The Literal Contradiction: “You’re not stressed.” is passing judgment again. Stress is a word that we created which means poor planning.

“Let’s do that next week”
Meaning: “I don’t want to think through everything necessary to accomplish this, though I want it done. Let’s hope something comes along in the meantime to make this easier or make it go away.”
The Literal Contradiction: “Let’s do it now.” is a direct challenge. This statement can be valid sometimes, but the thing to be careful is that you’re not hoping for an answer to arise without your help. There’s no more time next week than there is this week to get things done.

“I remember when I could…”
Meaning: “I shouldn’t have to prove myself over and over.”
The Literal Contradiction: “Are you sure you could do that?” is a direct challenge and who can prove what did or didn’t happen at some time in a person’s past.

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Here’s another paradox – all those sayings share a similar trait with all the notions of kindness and consideration. They sound true, and disputing them would make that person sound trivial or inconsiderate. So where is the line drawn? What is actually meaningful, what is true?

This, we all decide for ourselves. Everyone is on their own path, taking their own way and there may be some crossover with others. There still may be some confrontation with others. The anger and frustration that has been with us throughout our growing-up since our early years can sometimes seem like an old friend. Like an old saying, we should be careful in the familiarity of such feelings other than love.

Anger feels powerful, but it is full of deception. Power does not come from belittling someone else, telling them they are wrong, judging them based on your own standards. Power cannot be rooted in conflict.

Once I started taking the Zenisms to heart and applying their lessons to life, I saw my anger within a different light. I realized that I never got what I wanted whenever I got angry. The reasons were that the anger took over my feelings and soon I was only trying to satiate the emptiness that anger brings, with even more anger. There’s a line in a song “Putting out the fire with Gasoline” that reflects exactly my ‘old’ attitude with anger, it creates a void it cannot fill.

The reason for the anger is frequently placed on someone else. They have acted a certain way, said something, kept something from me that I should have. All these situations are very self-centric. Anger envelopes us, focusing our whole actions on what we want, makes the goal of the interaction the acknowledgement from the other person that we are right. Anger keeps out any logic that is not self-serving.

This relates to very real situations that we deal with everyday. There are people you know who have passed judgment upon you and let you know that you do not act according to their standards. A common reaction is to get angry at the other person, pass your own judgment that they are wrong.

This is the crossroads of how close you are to becoming selfless. With the help of Zen, I have learned to release my high-maintenance self-image. I’m no longer concerned with being right. I no longer compare myself to others to see if I am better, I only compare myself with my former self to see if I am growing. In shutting out another person, I am closing a prime opportunity to practice what I preach. It is easy to be nice to your friends, it is a learning experience to be nice to someone who doesn’t see you as a friend. If this person has already judged me to be wrong, and I act the same way they do, then I am also guilty of this limiting behavior.

“But they are just going to do it again if you give them a chance.” Possibly, but it affects me less and less because my worth is not derived by what someone else thinks of me.
There is always a reason for the way someone acts. And I come across many people whose main reason for their actions is to get acknowledgement of the person that they are, to get assurance of the values they hold to be right. And that is a very easy thing to do for me. Maybe, if the acknowledgement comes easier and easier, the person may get shaken out of their cocoon and come to a realization that there may be more to life than being noticed. Maybe. Either way, I am actively practicing seeing the best in people and trying little by little to make the world around me a better place.

It is very challenging when a person who acts like this is a someone very close to you, and even a family member. Family has a connotation all in itself that conjures up warm-hearted holidays, shared memories from before time and unrivalled comradery. It also means many undercurrents, long-standing grudges and basic misunderstanding how someone who was basically right next to you for so much time of your formidable years can be so different.

Losing the cocoon of self-interest, I am better able to see other’s actions not in terms of my own expectations but in terms of their own motives. Explaining why someone does something doesn’t reduce the pain that it may bring, but it keeps me from turning against someone because of my judgment of their actions. If each person is waiting for the other to show compassion first, then there is a long wait ahead. And it won’t get better by not doing anything.

Do more than think to become a better person, follow through on the actions that are necessary so you get more and more practice, and more benefit from all the small instances of positive influence that you can exert during the day.

Do more than memorize the sayings that project a compassionate attitude. Practice compassion throughout the day. Change those typical reactions, revise the message you tell others and honestly compare your actions to your thoughts.

If you find fault within someone else, correct it in yourself.

You can easily ask – just how long does this take? Do I have to do it all the time?
These are easy questions. You can start right now and benefit from your own eightfold path, even if you’re doing only one, immediately. You only need to do this for as long as you want to be happy.