Thru Each Day

Thru Each Day…

Conversations are full of thoughts, facts, hopes, fears and ideas. Conversations are so common that it is easy to overlook how much information a good conversation can hold. I can learn so much about different things, including myself and especially about the person who is talking, if I listen.

It really is as simple as that. If I listen to what someone says without my mind wandering away, then I have a better chance to learn. If I concern myself with thinking about what I want to say, haven’t said or what I’m trying to remember from the thoughts that were triggered by the first point they said, then I am not in the conversation. Then I will miss my chance to learn.

I’d like to think that the older I get, the smarter I become. The big difference between the two is that aging is a natural proces while becoming smarter is a conscious process.

Attention

I’m trying to get attention when I interrupt the other person. Or when I have my own tangential story for each one I hear. When I’m just waiting for the other person to stop talking, so I can start. All my conversational character traits are spawned into life whenever a conversation starts. And just like any habit, they are so easy to repeat and so familiar to revisit. If the discussion ends and I don’t know anymore about the person than when we started talking, then I’m missing the subtle differences of experience which make up the most meaningful part of life.

Everyone likes to be able to speak their peace, to present their ideas, including me.

What happens when the other person is trying to accomplish the same thing as me, to get me to talk? Once I get to start talking and people are listening to me, after I make my point, I have to make sure I am able stop talking. This is a resolution that I keep re-resoluting, even though it’s so much fun to be the center of attention.
When my mind wanders away in a conversation, I will wind the conversation back to a favorite story or a favorite saying. If I start using clichés, then it is past time to stop talking. I found that I use these to punctuate a point, although I am usually just making the same point again (and again…).

These stories and sayings are my conversational favorites that I think show a point so clearly that they are like a good friend. As a friend, I usually introduce them around to my other friends. These stories can be possibly enjoyable the first telling, but after that, the welcome can become worn out relatively quickly. I remember how I feel when someone is telling me the same story again. I try to use it as a lesson in patience, which can use as much practice as I can get. Although those practice sessions always feel twice as long than they really are.

The most memorable events of my younger life will be shared most often. As I remember the important events of many people’s lives, so they will remember mine. With this in mind, the need to repeat myself is not necessary.


A conversation is a relationship, there’s give and take, there’s questions and answers, a starting point, an evolution of topics and the interaction between two or more people. With all this going on, I have to pay attention to make sure, among other things, I don’t get caught up in flattery from a listener. It’s very easy to confuse an audience’s tolerance of the speaker with interest in the material. If I can tell whether others are listening out of kindness or because they are truly interested, then I’ll be better able to know when I am doing the same.

When I get in a conversation, where I don’t know much about the topic being spoken, then this presents a great chance to learn.


Views

Everybody’s got an opinion, so I try to only offer mine when asked. Opinions are another abstract personality trait that can easily get treated as a friend, in that the longer I have it, the closer I am to it and subsequently the more truth it seems to take on. Unlike a friend, the length of time I have held an opinion doesn’t make it any more true than it was when I first formed it.

The more I listen, the more I understand. The more I understand, the better I can apply my own knowledge in dealing with the now. I sometimes revert back to what would have worked when I was younger, which only emphasizes what has changed. And one of those things that has changed should be me.


Change

People, cultures, money and values change over time, and what I once thought I knew so well will age just like me. The fashions of the time will change – the music, the clothes, what people take for granted. If I do not stay current with fashion, then it will seem more foreign to me whenever I try to make sense of it. The older I get, the larger the gap becomes between myself and the youth of the world.

Referring to any time before now, I can say ‘When I was younger’. There will always be a difference when I compare what I can do now to what I was able to do before. Focusing on the obvious differences in the world from the time past can show the ways in which the world has changed. No matter how old I am, I would think that the world was better when I was younger only because my awareness of all the situations both in the world at large and in my own personal life has been greatly enhanced. Things are always easier when you have no responsibilities without appreciation of the long-term consequences of your actions nor the knowledge of your own mortality.

Thinking about what could have been or what should have been only helps if I’m making mindful notes – things to remember to use in my time now. The possible actions of the past are so plentiful, that it can use up an entire lifetime considering the outcomes.

Reminiscing about the old days can serve as interesting information, but only to an interested listener. It can easily be used as a buffer repeatedly against the things I do not know now, the things which would challenge my confidence in my current ability to change with the times.

Some things, I will just never get, no matter how much I wish for them. In those cases, I find it better to change what I am asking for, rather than spend each day frustrated that, once again, my wishes have not been fulfilled.

This will bring me closer in aligning how my life really is and how I think it is. The reality should match the perception. When there is no self-deception, I am able to see so many things as they truly are rather than how I would want them to be. This position allows for better decisions.

Doing this, I take repeated steps to acknowledge the ways in which I could be a better person, trying to change a little at a time to become that person.


Wisdom

Age has nothing to do with wisdom.

Although my years of experience are of most value to myself, every person feels the same way about their own experience. My experience can bring out a fuller understanding of the time I lived in and the person that I am. Mindful that experience is a deceiving substitute for wisdom.

When I first realized that I most likely have lived more years so far than I still have to live, it brought tears to my eyes. The tears were not out of sorrow, but for my understanding. The affect was because I took a big step in acknowledging the fact of my mortality, not that we know how much time we will have here otherwise. The tears are a welcome sign that my emotions can still be expressed in the most basic ways.

As I live through this moment now, I know that my priorities in life are evolving. Some evolve slower than others, some blossom from a narrow activity to a satisfying course of action, and I’m still working out some others. Perspective is a big factor in this, especially when I am sharing ideas with another person. The things that are most important to them now are different than the things most important to me now.

Being aware of these difference will keep me from simplifying others’ problems, wishes or concerns. The fact that these things are a part of another’s life is reason enough to accord it merit. And if I give some advice that isn’t followed, it’s not because the other person is stubborn or short-sighted. They know their situation best and have judged for themselves that something different than my advice would be better for them. That gives the preference of choice to those with the best knowledge of the entire situation.

Same as I do for myself.

So many things I do, I judge favorably due to the simple fact that it is me. It is what I want. And then someone tells me that maybe it wasn’t the best thing I could have done, or I might figure it out myself. The judgment of an action can change over time.

Time changes everything.

Time has helped me to know myself better. And the more I know myself, the better I can I recognize my strengths and weaknesses. Knowledge is one thing, the actions taken with that knowledge is the person who I am. To be a better person, I have to practice at it. That practice should become a habit, should become the main driver for all my actions and conversations.


Memory

Life offers up different possibilities for memories to be made, ones that hold true to spirit and less on the ability of youth. At first glance, it seems that life doesn’t offer up the possibilities that I had before in making memories. If that seems the case, then I need to look closer at what I am doing and what truly is important to me.

The strength of my memory changes like the strength of my muscles. The main contrast is that my memory is accumulating all the things it holds, while my muscles only need to hold what is in my hands right now.

In my memory’s priority list is the knowledge that I have and then the people who I have shared it with. Because of this priority list, my memory may let slip who I have told. This is very common, but I should only make myself practice patience, not make more practice for others. They may not view that practice in the same altruistic sense as I do.

The moment now will be a memory in a short while. The effect of what I do now will last for quite a while, so it would serve me well to use all my wisdom and knowledge when making decisions for what I do right now. This is a constant process. It is tempting to tell myself stories about how good I was at one time or to rationalize my actions, but neither of these will make a wrong decision right. I can fool myself easily enough, but not for long.


Knowledge

When I have an open mind, it is like a free flowing waterfall. I take on new ideas, new skills and new beliefs all. When I hear someone, especially me, say “I don’t want to learn that”, then the learning has already stopped. And once learning stops, old-age starts.

Even though the boundaries of my knowledge are ever growing, my knowledge is still limited. It can be used on enormously wide variety of problems.

Outside the limit of my knowledge are many things that can be of utmost importance to someone else. Whether I know it or not doesn’t stop how important it can be. At one point in my life, I knew nothing and look how far I’ve come.

If I stay within the surroundings in which I am the most comfortable, my chances of learning something new are greatly limited.


Self-centered

As nice as it may seem, everybody isn’t here to satisfy me. That is a young child’s attitude, which I soon learn that contentment does not come from anyone other than me. On the basic level and on many other levels, I am a part of a community and a family. I don’t think best for everyone, I just think best for myself – and even that is questionable at times.

There has been many times before when I got what I wanted, so not getting it once may help me learn why the difference exists.

The members of all my communities, each person deserves respect. This has to become a determined effort to show respect because the easiest thing to do is find something wrong. It is not ultimately helpful to spread my ideas of what is wrong with anything or anyone. Making respect be the first route to take will cultivate within me the virtues that will make me the person I want to become. Respect shown towards the wishes of others, especially within my family, will encourage those people to share the important things in their life with me. To strengthen our communal bonds.

Seeing the good in a person encourages respect for that person. Even if a person displays a particular trait that I may find discouraging, I should look first at myself before I comment on it to another person.

Bad news does happen and needs to be related in order that the whole community is aware of what can affect it. I like to spread more good news than bad news, in order to have a more positive affect. This also applies to the truths that can be told. There are truths that can do harm so I have to use the same judgment so that the truths I tell will be for a positive reason, to help others and myself. When dealing with seemingly harsh or difficult truths, the right words can evoke a sense of unity rather than disparity. The quickest and easiest way to state the truth may have a more harmful effect and can quickly turn a chance for learning into a scene of despair.

We are all in this together and we can use all the help that is offered.


Compassion

The older that I get, the more I speak of pain. I never spoke much of pain before because I thought that I would have plenty of time for it to go away. Now I know that others have pain like me.

The best thing about pain is that the learning that happens during times of pain will have more of an impact than the learning when things are going just fine.
Pain makes me take notice.

Initially, I related pain to physical pain. Now, I see pain in a broader sense and using the word suffering is a more accurate description of the feelings, on both emotional and physical levels.

Sharing suffering is common. Not for the purpose of getting others’ sympathy. For the purpose of gathering any information or help in working towards an action plan for dealing with the situation.


Parenting

It would seem obvious that, unless proven otherwise, the person best able to make decision for children are their parents. Regardless of what I think is best for their children. The impact of a decision lasts very long indeed, so unless I want to be with that family 24 hours a day, I can keep my opinions to myself.

Parenting is a long drawn out dance played on a public stage. The results of all demonstrate most will become apparent as your child grows and is able to express themselves individually from your control.

Each person has their own set of values which are explicitly demonstrated through their parenting style. These encompass actions, inactions, attentiveness, selfishness, compassion, understanding and life values.

It is as easy to find something good in a child as it is to find something wrong, so why not try for the good? It would be easier for me because no matter what I think is best for the child, or what I want the child to experience, it will be the parent that makes the final call, which they will live with. It’s never a good idea to bypass a parent’s authority when dealing with a growing child. The relationship between a parent and child is built upon trust and respect. A child’s development is more important than momentary happiness, and their development is done a moment at a time.


Reactions

Although seldom do people tell me that they disapprove of my actions, this does not mean I do almost everything right. I can’t assume that just because no-one tells me that I am wrong, it means that I’m right.

People, including myself, don’t all of a sudden act a certain way for no reason. There is a reason for everything – sometimes it’s not a good reason.

Many people will say they have good intentions, as do I. A promise is an explicit plan for good intentions. A promise is an agreement of trust to further the communal bond between everyone involved. When a promise is broken, it is a vivid reminder that we are have not grown past the selfish stage of our development.
An unkept promise cannot be reconciled with a bigger, better promise. As with any relationship of trust, it is a step ladder up one at a time and a sliding board down to the bottom in a single step also.

I have learned that for me to have a friend, I must be a friend. I have an infinite capacity for true friends, and each one takes time. Time will not stop for me or make more available to me because I need more. I have discovered that I will not find the time if I don’t make the time. It is very selfish to expect things just because I want them. If I want something to be done, then I will have to plan to do it.

Friendships change over time, and how we once spent our time together as friends will not always be the way we spend our time now. Each one of my friends is a unique person and at one time we shared something we both believed in. I do not want to forget those times and how much it meant to have a friend. The time apart from my friends does not lessen the bond that we have.

I have learned not to abuse my friendships by using it for my own selfish reasons, to make me feel good without regards to my friend. I have stopped asking for more than I am willing or able to give. I appreciate those friends most who gave more than was asked or expected, and I extend the same courtesy whenever possible.


Pace

Each day, the world seems to get more complicated and and seems to move faster. More people means more connections, larger communities.
Each person sets their own pace. The pace that others live their life may not be the same as mine, so I have to keep that in mind when things aren’t happening at my speed. A different speed doesn’t make the person wrong in what they do, as they may be trying to accomplish something different than myself. Just because something doesn’t get done when I think it should, doesn’t mean it won’t get done at all.

Even though I like things a certain way, I can’t really expect things to be the way I want them to be all the time. When I’m by myself, I can have things the way I like them. Of course, everyone does not like the same things as myself, each person has their own taste. As soon as someone else is involved, then we are in it together, not separate. The preferences have to meld.

To become a better person, all the little things that bother me can either be resolved or forgotten. The movies and mass media always depict characters as having certain traits, and the things that have been with me for a long time tend to be thought of as traits. But is that the type of person I want to be? One who has a list of what is wrong with the world, young people, music, traffic, cars and the government. I’d rather take on issues that I can personally impact. The characteristics that I want to develop are understanding and compassion. I can set aside my list of quirks and annoyances, as complaining never makes me feel better. The amount of times I have dealt with something will not affect the number of times I will still have to deal with it, unless I do something about it.

The accomplishment of a task provides a sense of fulfillment. This can take on many forms, such as a household chore, a bike ride or a book. Seeing the wonder of life in the simple things will allow me to be more contented with the things I have, and not concerned about what else there is that I might be missing.


Understanding

Each person has different life values that they follow or are guided by through each day, and until I know what a person values, I have a better chance of misinterpreting their actions than knowing who they are.

Not everyone is looking for the same thing as me. Even more than that, most people don’t look for things in the same way. But, life is not a competition to see who can be right or get the most attention, it is the ideal place to share what you know and learn from others.


Conclusion

It will always be easier to change how I deal with someone rather than trying to get someone else to change to suit the way I think. There is only one person who I can actually change, and that is myself. And even then, it sometimes is not as easy, even knowing all these things. Which is why I write them down, so I can remember them.