chapter thirty-one

19 May

Susie set her bag on the sidewalk and pushed her arms over her head, stretching the underused muscles. It was time to get back to her dancing. She could feel a tension in her back she hadn’t noticed in … she couldn’t remember how long. But maybe it was from all the hours on the bus.

Catching Evan’s glance, she turned hers away, lowering her arms to straighten her shirt. He had been too quiet most of the way home, sitting several seats away from her and Duncan, hanging with Mike instead. Still, his gaze was always friendly when she found it. She hadn’t often.

“He is wantin’ t’ know why I did no’ go back t’ the room last night.” Duncan reached down to grab her bag. “An’ wonderin’ if you know I did no’.”

“I can get that. You have enough….” Susie stopped the objection as his words sank in. She met his eyes. “What?”

“Y’ wanted t’ know why he is stayin’ t’ himself, right? Avoidin’ me?”

“Duncan … he wouldn’t think…. I’m sure he’s wondering about us, but he trusts you more than that. He wouldn’t think you would….” She stopped again at Stu’s interference. He was wrong. Evan never would have pushed them together if he had any fear at all about how Duncan would treat her. She imagined he was just being overprotective again, afraid she was going too far, as he had hinted at during the tour. Not that it was any of his business.

The bus in front of the apartment building attracted attention in the neighborhood. They hadn’t announced their tour locally but it had apparently gotten out and the small crowd held out newspapers with a photo of their faces plastered on the front, asking for signatures. Susie pushed her way out of the midst of it and went inside. She watched from the window beside the door. Be careful what you wish for. The old adage haunted her brain. They’d wanted this; at least, most of them had. She wasn’t sure about Duncan, but the rest of the guys had been pushing Roy to get them further. And now they were. It made her a bit nauseous to watch the people who had passed them on the sidewalks and in local businesses without thinking anything of it day after day suddenly flock around them, allowing no personal space. She sighed. They would do fine. They would all handle it okay. But she wasn’t sure about dealing with it herself. She really didn’t like crowds, or too much attention.

A voice behind her made her jump.

“I’m sorry, Honey, I thought you would have heard me coming.” Diane set an arm around her, turning her gaze out the window. “I saw the bus pull in and wondered what was taking so long.”

“Amazing, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it really is. Was it like this the whole time you were out?”

“Not at first. Blue River was always swamped, but we weren’t. At the end, it was starting to get that way. But these people already know them.”
Diane squeezed her shoulder. “No, Honey, they just thought they did.”

Susie continued watching, replaying Diane’s words. It was true, she supposed. How many of their neighbors did they really know? They knew what some of them did for a living and how many kids they had, but what was that? Nothing, actually. It told them nothing about who these people were inside, about their dreams, needs, longings. And their neighbors similarly knew nothing real about her and the guys. She wondered what they did think.

Bending her knees, one at a time, stretching her feet and calf muscles, she considered heading on up to the apartment. But she couldn’t leave this, not until they came in. She would wait until Duncan was free to walk up with her, regardless of how long it took. She wouldn’t desert him to this crowd completely.

And he was the last to get free of them. He didn’t seem to mind.

Finding her eyes while the door shut behind him, Duncan flicked hair out of his face. “Di’ the crowd scare y’ off?”

She shook her head. “At first, but I thought about going back to get my things so they wouldn’t be in your way.”

“They were no’, bu’ y’ could ‘ave come out anyway.”

“I didn’t want to be in your way, either.”

He raised his chin, staring, piercing her eyes, then dropped the bags to the floor. Reaching her in three easy steps, he touched her face, shaking his head. “Y’ are no’ ever in my way.”

Movement behind him pulled Susie’s eyes. Evan was watching, regarding his buddy with an unexpressed question, until Mike nudged him. Her distraction made Duncan turn to find her focus. She tried to cover, keeping her voice friendly through her bewilderment. “Your mom is starting coffee … at my place, if you … if any of you want to come over.”

Evan nodded. “As soon as we get this stuff put away.” He turned again and grabbed one of the equipment pieces lining the entryway.

Duncan’s eyes touched hers again, but he didn’t say anything. He was hurt, though, and so was she. What business was it of Evan’s if they were … closer than they actually were? There was no way he would accuse his buddy of infidelity. She couldn’t even process that thought. So he wanted to know what went on between them last night. He could just ask if it mattered that much. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t just ask her. Evan had to know that.

Pushing her door open at the top of the stairs, she held it so Duncan could set her heavier bags inside.

“I’ll be back in jus’ a bit.” He started to leave.

“I’ll help carry stuff…”

“No, y’ will no’. Y’ are tired enough.”

“So is everyone else…”

He pushed in against her lips. “Y’ are no’ meant t’ be a pack mule.” His fingers slid up her arms to her shoulders. “An’ y’ will no’ be while I am around.”

She wanted to argue. There was no reason she couldn’t help. She was in good shape, and … and she enjoyed too much letting him treat her with so much respect to argue with him. She gave in, touching his lips, wrapping her arms around his back, caressing the muscle…

“Excuse me, I thought I heard you come in.”

Susie moved back at Diane’s voice, allowing Duncan to assure his buddy’s mom that it was fine; he needed to go carry equipment, anyway. And she asked him to come back over for coffee. He accepted, closing the door behind him.

“So you’re pretty serious about this one.”

Susie pulled off her jacket, hung it on the rack, and kicked out of her shoes, setting her small bags out of the way close to the door. “Yeah.” She finally looked up at her substitute mom. “And I suppose Dad fussed about it all the way home.”

“He didn’t say much.”

She looked away, sighing. Not a good sign when her dad got quiet. He was really irritated.

“Come on into the kitchen and I’ll fix you some tea. We can talk before the boys join us.”

Talk. Diane surely wouldn’t side with her dad. She had never before lectured or warned about any of her dates. Why would she this time? Of course, Duncan wasn’t like anyone else she had ever dated. He was so much … above all the others. And she was lucky he was interested. Why couldn’t they see that?

Excusing herself to take her stuff to her room and freshen up before their “talk,” Susie wondered what her own mom would say. Would she fuss, too? Or would she understand better since her own choice had gone against her family? Susie convinced herself her mom would understand and support her. Whether or not she was right in the assumption, it made her feel better, and she lifted her chin while politely refusing the offered tea in favor of getting her own coffee.

Diane didn’t question that, either. She sat across the table holding her cup in both hands. “Your dad will be over tomorrow night. Maybe you could ask your friend to come at the same time?”

Susie waited, trying to decide Diane’s motives.

“John said he hasn’t been around much recently.”

“No.” Susie sipped her coffee. A bit more sugar than she needed.

“I think, honey, that your dad is more worried about not knowing this guy than about you dating. More worried about losing touch with what’s going on in your life.”

“He’s never really been that in touch. What’s the difference?” Susie ducked her face, ashamed of letting the words slip.

“Is that what you think?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant…”

“Because he’s always away.”

She tapped a heal against the floor, relieving the jitters she felt throughout her body, keeping her eyes on her coffee, stirring it to relieve tension through her fingers, also.

“You know he called me every day, from wherever he was.” Diane waited until she had Susie’s eyes. “Sometimes you were at school because it was the only time he had. Other times it was late and I didn’t want to wake you. But he called every day.” She tilted her head. “I did tell you that, didn’t I? John always knew what you were doing.”

“I guess I forgot. But I didn’t mean to be critical. I want him to do what he enjoys.” Susie sipped from her cup again. It felt strange, drinking coffee in front of Diane. Evan’s mom always made her feel like a child, younger than she was, less responsible … so much more childish. Too many memories flooded back whenever they sat and talked alone. Memories of being in Diane’s house, trying to both belong there and not belong there, accepting Diane and pushing her away. Those feelings were too unresolved. Her own feelings of being an adult and still too much a child too unsettling.

“So tell me about this guy. Evan was okay with your dating him, I guess. He seems to be.”

Evan. Of course Diane would accept Duncan. He was Evan’s friend. Susie shrugged. “I would guess so, since he’s the one who set us up.”

“Oh? He didn’t tell me that.”

“At a baseball game – a double date.”

“With the girl he’s seeing now?”

Susie nodded. “Janet. My manager at the studio.”

“And as much as I’d like to be nosy, I’ll make myself refrain from asking questions about them.” Diane threw her a wink.

Grateful, Susie grinned. Evan was private about his relationships. She wasn’t about to intrude on that, not even, or especially not to his mother. She did show Diane the ring Duncan had given her to wear, telling the main events of the story behind it but leaving out how upset she had been. Her weakness wasn’t something she wanted to repeat.

She told her about Duncan getting her flowers just because and how he hadn’t minded her keeping other girls from getting too friendly, about how much she’d enjoyed travelling with him and especially the times they’d escaped alone.

“Oh, honey, I thought I saw in his eyes yesterday how much he cares about you. I told John, as well, that I believe he has a great deal of respect for you and you look comfortable together. That’s important, you know, to be comfortable with whomever you finally choose to settle.”

Settle. Diane was seeing her relationship with Duncan as a possible long-term commitment. Looking down at the tiny ring, Susie couldn’t argue. Yes, she was comfortable with him, in general. But she wouldn’t allow herself to be too hooked on the idea.

A knock interrupted and Susie began to rise. Diane told her to stay and relax, moving to answer it herself. She brought Evan back with her. Only Evan. Susie questioned him with her eyes.

“He’ll be over in a minute. I told him to just come on in.”

She nodded and suggested he help himself to the coffee. Useless, since his mom had already grabbed a mug for him. Susie supposed she should do better at playing hostess, but she was tired, and Evan wasn’t company, anyway.

“Am I interrupting?” He walked around behind her to get to the other side of the table, sitting beside his mom, sipping coffee that was still steaming.

Diane assured him he wasn’t, that she was just asking about Susie’s newest relationship. “She tells me you set them up. Since when do you play matchmaker?”

Evan’s confusion was too honest to be mistaken for anything else. “Set them up? I didn’t. I introduced them just like I did with the guys.”

“Oh?” His mom grinned, enjoying catching him doing something he had promised he would never do. “And the baseball game was…?”

Susie watched his face as he waited for an explanation. He was honestly confused. So was she. “Evan, it was kind of obvious since you invited Janet. You know she’d been wanting you to ask her out.”

He shook his head. “I didn’t….” Then his eyes focused on hers. “You thought I was setting you up? With Duncan?”

“You weren’t?”

“Why would I…?” He stopped, looked down at the table, then shook his head again before raising it. “I was just … trying to provide a common interest … to make it easier; hoping you would get along. I would never set you up, Suse. I don’t believe in matchmaking.”

“Then why did you invite Janet?” She felt her fingers clench tighter around her coffee mug. She’d misunderstood. How?

“She’s your friend. I figured….” He sighed. “I never imagined you would think it was a set up. It wasn’t meant to be.”

It wasn’t a set up. He hadn’t tried to push them together. Their relationship … her acceptance to Duncan’s date invitation … had been based on her belief that Evan thought they might be a good match. At least temporarily. It was all blown out of the water now. But it made more sense. If Evan didn’t approve, it made more sense how he had been watching them, keeping track…. He didn’t approve?

“Well it all worked out, anyway.” Diane’s chuckle didn’t fit the tension in the air. Maybe it was just her, but she thought she felt it from Evan, too. Something was just…

The door opened, accompanied by a knock. She stood, needing the escape, nearly running into Duncan at the kitchen entrance.

“I le’ myself in. Ev said the door would be open.”

Susie heard Diane say something to him but didn’t pay attention. His hair was down, wet and curling at the ends. “You showered?”

“Yeah, I did no’ want t’ come over here smellin’ like Nessie.”

Susie grinned. She loved the very occasional references he made to his homeland. “Well, I didn’t shower, so I might have to keep some distance.”

He raised an eyebrow, moved in, and pressed his face close to her neck, then found her eyes. “Nae, y’ do no’. N’ distance is needed.”

Warmth crept into her cheeks. He was too close. And they had company. And Evan didn’t approve. “Want some coffee?”

He took the mug from her fingers before pouring it himself. It was a lingering touch, with his fingertips caressing her skin. He followed her to the table and sat close, his arm constantly brushing hers while the guys talked about the tour, his hand dropping under the table occasionally to rest on her leg. He was surprisingly relaxed in front of Diane. Susie wouldn’t have expected it, as rigid as he became when her dad was around. But Diane had been much more friendly.

She stayed out of the conversation, just listening. Evan gave up avoiding his buddy and began joking with him about Greg and about being the only one to get an invite from Steve.

“An’ Greg pu’ him up to it, I would guess, since they live together. Has nothin’ t’ do with me. Just a way t’ get her out there.” He grinned at Susie.

“No, it wasn’t.” Evan stood to get more coffee, bringing the pot over to refill the rest. “I think Steve plans to help push you out there, from what Tony was saying.” He returned the pot then brought the sugar, creamer, and a spoon over to Susie.

“Pushin’ the band.”

Evan sat again, shrugging. “You, with or without the rest of us.”

“Bullshit.” Duncan apologized to Diane for the language. She brushed it off. “I would no’ believe everything Tony says, Ev. The way he talks of his band mates….” He shook his head, grabbing a swallow of his coffee. “He’s full of….” He stopped again, with a glance at Diane.

She chuckled, protesting about his being so cautious with his language.

Susie looked across the table at her. She was protesting? The woman who had been so firm about Evan never using that language in the presence of women? Her dad wouldn’t even use it in front of Diane, though Susie knew good and well that he used it.

Diane caught the glance. “You’re being quiet tonight.”

“Me?” Susie shifted the grasp on her mug avoiding Diane’s stare.

“Are you tired?”

“No. Well … yeah, but…” She tried to shake the thoughts back into place well enough to make sense.

Duncan ran a hand over her back. “Wha’ are y’ thinkin’ about?”

She watched his face, so close to her own. So many things. There were so many thoughts stirring in her brain she didn’t have a clue where to start. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to, not with all of them there. Evan didn’t approve. That was a big one. But maybe she was wrong about that, too, jumping to conclusions. Steve wanted to promote Duncan, with or without the band. Something about that wasn’t sitting well, even if Duncan had denied it. And he was so close to her, keeping constant physical contact. It was distracting, exhilarating, and she partly wanted Evan and his mom to leave.

“Babe?”

She pulled her eyes away, trying to find an answer. “I’ve been wondering….” Susie shook her head, raising her mug to her lips. She didn’t want to go there.

“Wondering what?”

Evan’s voice surprised her. She hadn’t expected him to be the one to ask. Attempting to ignore the question, she took another swallow, concentrating on Duncan’s hand moving down her back, lifting the blouse enough to find her skin, in front of anyone who cared to notice. Not really in front, since her back was facing away from the other two at the table, but enough that they could guess what he was doing, if they cared.

She met her boyfriend’s gaze. “Through the tour, and before, I wondered what Mom would think about me travelling the country in a bus with a bunch of guys and sitting backstage with roadies and…”

“And gettin’ hi’ on by a big pop star?” Duncan’s eyes sparkled. He was making it easier.

Susie chuckled. “Yeah, that too.”

“I think she’d admire your spunk.” Diane reached across the table for her hand. “And she would be glad to know you were with people you could trust.”

Evan stood, using the coffee pot as an excuse, but the abruptness made it feel like more. She looked up at him, noticing Duncan doing the same. Susie fussed at herself for bringing about the comment.

Diane thanked her son for the refill and put her attention back on Susie. “Honestly, I’m sure she would be very happy for you. And she would have done the same given the choice.”

The same? Her mom? Susie shook her head. “I can’t imagine her just picking up and running around with a bunch of guys.”

“Of course you can’t. You see her as a mom, as your mom, and as the gentle spirit she was. But I knew her before then, when she was younger and so passionately in love with your father that she turned away from everything she knew for him. And you wouldn’t have gone with just any group of guys, either.” Diane glanced at Duncan, then back. “You’re much more particular than that. I know you that well, no matter how hard you try not to let people know you that well. You got that part from your dad.” She grinned.

“No.” Susie looked down into her coffee. She couldn’t blame that on her dad, even if it meant arguing with Diane. “We both got that from experience.” And no one bothered to argue. The silence made her question the judgment of the statement. It hadn’t been necessary. But it was true. Being constantly criticized for who you were and what you were tended to make a person hide within herself. Nothing genetic there.

Duncan leaned closer, his hand sliding around her waist, caressing the bare skin underneath her blouse. “So who gave y’ the dancin’ trait? Tha’ y’ had t’ be born with.”

She touched his eyes, adoring the way he redirected conversations whenever she needed, and so effortlessly. “Both, I guess. Mom took dance lessons as a child, but I remember Dad being pretty good at it, too.”

“Oh, yes.” Diane set her cup down. “John is an eloquent dancer, though he claims he can’t. Your mom was good, too, but you got the natural feel for the music from your dad.” She picked it up again, holding it in both hands. “The patience to deal with this group of guys, however, comes from your mom.”

Evan chuckled. “I don’t think she got quite all of it. It’s amazing what your mom put up with from you.”

“From me?”

“You do know you were a little terror?” Evan’s attitude had calmed again. His eyes teased her. “From the beginning.”

“I was not.” Susie watched the shared expressions between Evan and Diane. She was agreeing.

“Evan, maybe she would prefer we didn’t go that far down memory lane in front of her boyfriend. No offense to Duncan, but we don’t need to embarrass the child.”

Susie rankled at the word child. But she held it in, looking over at the guy beside her. He was assuring Diane he wasn’t offended. But she didn’t care. Susie didn’t care what he heard. It didn’t bother her at all that he was learning more of her history. He was interested, and not judging her, just listening. She looked back at Diane. “I don’t care what he knows. It won’t embarrass me. Why was I a terror?” A glimpse of Evan’s reaction was all she needed. She’d managed to even surprise him. He didn’t expect her to be so open in front of Duncan. Susie wondered if he had any clue about just how much they had actually talked and shared with each other already. She doubted it.

“Oh, honey, you weren’t a terror. You were just curious and active, whenever you were feeling well enough. Although I could never figure out how your mom was always so patient through it, especially during the dumping stage.”

“The what?”

Evan grinned, shaking his head. “You used to dump anything you got your hands on: baskets, pencils, grocery bags, bookshelves … whatever you could reach.”

“No I didn’t. I don’t like mess.”

“You don’t now. You did then.”

Susie watched his face. He was serious.

So was Diane. “I would’ve been pulling my hair out. My boys made messes of course, but I’d never seen anything like that. Your mom just kept saying that it was good that you were so curious. Now and then she was able to convince you to help put it away again, but I just can’t imagine….”

“Dad must’ve thrown a fit. He’s more a neat freak than I am.”

“Oh, honey, your dad was the funniest thing about it. Whenever he walked in and had to clear a path to get in the door, he would laugh first, say ‘That’s my girl,’ then chuckle the whole time he was cleaning it up.”

“My dad?”

Diane sighed. “I wish you could remember him better from before. While he was with your mom….” She stopped, looked down at her coffee and took a sip. “I was so happy for Angela for finding him.”

Silence filtered around them, in respect, in thought, in lack of knowing where to go from there. It was unusual, getting Diane to talk about her friend so much. Susie knew she did, with others, but not with her.

“You know, there was nothing on this earth that he wouldn’t do for her, and she could keep him in line with just a look. It was the funniest thing to see a full-blooded Indian male afraid to make such a quiet, gentle lady upset or angry.” Diane grinned at the table in front of her. “If they ever fought, she never told me about it.”

“They didn’t. The first time I heard Dad yell was after the funeral, when Mom’s parents brought child welfare to take me away from him.”

Diane looked up, eyebrows raised. “You remember that?”

“They said he was an unfit father, as if they knew anything. I also remember you arguing with them and showing them some kind of paper.”

“I had no idea you remembered. I guess I was hoping you wouldn’t.” Diane took a deep breath. “It was a letter your mom wrote during the pregnancy in case she didn’t make it. She said your dad refused to talk about the possibility, and she wanted to be sure you’d both be taken care of. It described what a wonderful father John was, and asked that I take care of you while he was working. She also mentioned the feud with her family and that you were not to ever go with them. I guess she anticipated trouble.”

Pushing the image out of her brain again, as she had done so many times, Susie rewound the conversation. “Umm.” She looked over at Evan. “How old was I was dumping everything? I sure don’t remember that.”

“I wouldn’t guess you would.” He looked at his mom. “She was, what? Two?”

“Not even that. You were barely walking. One … one and a half?”

How would Evan know that far back? They met…

“You mostly stayed in Jeremy’s room when you came over at that age, unless someone was hanging on to you.” Evan grinned. “His room was always a disaster, anyway.”

“How do you know?” She watched his face as he waited for a more specific question. “How do you know what I was like at that age? We didn’t even meet until after … when I went to stay with you.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Is that the first you remember of me?” He waited again, for an answer that didn’t come. “Suse, I’ve known you since about a week after you were born, when you were strong enough that they let us visit you in the hospital. I very vividly remember thinking you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.” His expression changed suddenly. “Guess I shouldn’t say that. But Jeremy was a strange-looking baby. He grew out of it, but….”

Since she was born? Why didn’t she know?

“Yes.” Diane’s voice distracted her. “You really were a stunning baby. You already had a fair amount of hair, jet black from the beginning. Your mom joked about you being a miniature John, though as you grew, you took on more of her likeness.”

Since she was born? Susie couldn’t even rejoin the conversation. Why didn’t she know? Why had no one ever talked about that before? Why hadn’t Evan?

The others chatted more about likenesses and changes, family resemblances, and … whatever else Susie didn’t really hear. From the beginning. He had known her since birth. It couldn’t be true. She remembered feeling confused and scared when her dad had taken her to Diane when he finally went back to work after losing her mom. If she had known them all before, had played in the house, she wouldn’t have been scared. It didn’t make sense. As a baby. Had he held her in his arms? Another thought made her interrupt.

“Please tell me you didn’t ever change diapers.”

He grinned. “Um, no. I tended to disappear at those times.”

“Good.” She looked over at Duncan’s laughter. “It’s not funny.”

“I’ would ‘ave been.”

“He also disappeared when we had to change your clothes.” His mom nudged his arm. “We laughed good about that every time.”

“I was being polite, as I was taught.”

“Evan, she was a baby.”

“A girl baby.”

Susie couldn’t keep from chuckling with the others. A girl baby. She wondered if he would do the same with his own daughter … or if she had been his sister. Would it have been different to him? She didn’t want to know.

Deciding enough was enough, she stood, suggesting they move to the living room. A change of scenery could easily turn into a change of conversation.



Evan took his normal spot on Susie’s couch, watching his buddy sit next to her, though not quite as close as he’d been at the table. Duncan was relaxed, lounging less rigidly than usual, not being as careful with pronunciation as he’d taught himself to be. But he caught Evan’s eyes often enough with that glance that said he knew he was being questioned to tell Evan he wasn’t hiding his thoughts well. And why should he? He’d never received any explanation of where Duncan had been the night before, and Susie was sitting there in complete trust. She thought he had set them up. That could explain things. She was relying on Evan’s trust of his friend. And he did trust him, with almost anything. But with Susie…. She was different. Evan even watched out for her around her dad, for the chance that John would say the wrong thing and upset her. He couldn’t begin to stand to see her upset.

“Now that we’ve aired our family business, Duncan, do you have brothers or sisters? I don’t remember Evan ever mentioning any.”

Evan looked at his buddy, wondering if he should interfere. He should have warned his mom not to ask.

But Duncan remained unruffled. “I ‘ave one of each.”

“Oh? Older or younger?”

“Younger. They woul’ be … twenty-one, and … eighteen by now.” He shook his head.

“You’re not close?”

His head raised, the question of how, or whether to answer apparent. “I ‘ave … no’ seen them in a few years. I ‘ave no’ been back.” His lowered voice gave away how he regretted it. There was no need for Evan’s mom to ask if he did.

“They aren’t in the US?”

It was one question too many. Duncan looked over, letting Evan know it was.

Susie watched the exchange of glances, then stood, saying she was hungry, asking if anyone wanted anything. His mom went to the kitchen with her, to help throw something together.

Duncan followed their exit and turned back. “Y’ were right, Ev. This is no’ fair t’ her. Hidin’ me from her family. How long is i’ goin’ t’ take?”

He looked at the floor, then up to face his friend. “Honestly, I think we’ll have to try something else, trust someone other than Roy. At this point…”

“I ‘ave pissed him off too often.”

Evan didn’t need to answer. His buddy stood, going nowhere, just standing. “You know, my best suggestion would be to talk to John. He knows a lot of people…”

“Her dad? Ev, he does no’ want me anywhere around her. He is no’ goin’ t’ help me stay. An’ I do no’ need t’ be givin’ one more person with a grudge reason t’ use it.”

“I don’t think he would. He’s not like that.”

“I can no’ take tha’ chance. Wha’ would i’ do to Susie if he did? If she knew her dad….” His chest rose and fell with a shake of his head. “I can no’ do that t’ her.”

Evan fell silent. It had to be Duncan’s choice. He didn’t believe for a minute that John would hurt his daughter that way, if he had any idea how much it would hurt her. If. Evan wondered if he did.

“Are you going somewhere?” Susie’s voice from the doorway caught his attention. “I got kicked out of the kitchen. Your mom’s making her soup.”

“And she still won’t give you the recipe?”

“Apparently not. She had most of it ready and refrigerated before we got here.” She smiled, ignoring the insult.

It was an insult, as far as Evan was concerned. Her soup was a family recipe, passed down to each generation. He couldn’t imagine why his mom wouldn’t give it to her. He knew she planned to give it to his wife, if he ever had one. She’d told him that long ago. Honestly, he didn’t want any girl he happened to marry to be trusted with it if Susie wasn’t. It felt like a slap in the face towards his best friend, and he couldn’t help holding it against his mom, though he would never confront her about it.

Susie was explaining it to Duncan. His look said he was thinking the same, but he stayed quiet. “So, were you leaving?”

Duncan shook his head. “Go’ tired of sittin’.”

“Well, I’m lazier than you are.” She grinned and sat on the love seat behind him.

“I do no’ hardly think so.” He sat at the edge, facing her. “I think y’ are no’ used t’ sleepin’ away from home so long.”

Rejoining them during the conversation, his mom announced it would be only a few minutes to let the flavors all simmer together, then agreed that Susie was fussy about where she slept.

“Whenever we took short trips together, John shared a room with the boys and I would watch this one toss and turn for quite some time before she settled in. Most of her sleep while travelling was in the car.”

“Not because I was fussy, because it was exciting. I love to travel. I slept in the car because it was boring. Hotels were an adventure. I didn’t want to sleep and miss it.”

Evan zoned out during much of the conversation, picking up bits and pieces enough to stay with them. They moved it back to the kitchen while enjoying the soup, and continued the travel talk with their return to the living room. She did love to travel. And Evan knew how much she wanted to go overseas. His plan had always been to take her there, to every country she had mentioned. He hoped that would still happen.

A knock on the door interrupted and Evan went to answer. Susie always allowed him to do so in her apartment. He felt better doing so. Opening the door to Mike, he could see frustration, both in his face, and when he walked into the room, in his movement.

Mike stood behind the couch and returned the greeting from his mom. She liked their lead singer, often asking how he was doing when Evan called to check in.

“There’s coffee if you want it.” Susie pulled his attention. “Have a seat and relax.”

“Thanks, but, I was just wondering if Kate was here.”

Evan bit his tongue while Susie answered. When was his friend going to just get over it? It wasn’t going to happen. And if it did, it wouldn’t last. Evan knew that beyond a doubt.

“Have any idea where she is?”

Susie looked across the room, asking his mom.

“No honey, I haven’t seen her. John let me in last night.”

Mike’s face clouded, holding in the rage Evan knew he felt. Out all night. That should have told him something. But he managed to thank her before heading to the door.

Susie’s voice stopped him. “You might as well stay. We were just talking about the tour and about travelling.”

Mike hesitated.

Susie stood. “Sit down, I’ll pour you some coffee.”

“You don’t have to wait on me.” He began to give in. Even Mike had trouble resisting her.

She shrugged. “I’ll need to make more, anyway.”

Duncan followed her, disappearing from Evan’s view. She moved in closer to her boyfriend when they returned, having taken more than twice the time they needed to dump coffee grounds into the machine and add water. Evan tried to hide what he was thinking in between his mom talking, while they were still out of sight, about how cute they were together, so similar to John and Angela. He wanted to know where Duncan had been the night before. And he knew he couldn’t ask.

He looked back when the front door opened. Kate … and Mitch. Evan glanced at Mike, watching for a sign he should go between.

“Oh, hi.” Kate dropped a duffel bag on the floor. “You’re early. How’d it go?”

Mike stood. “I told you the nineteenth. Where have you been?”

“But it’s only the eighteenth.” She ignored the question.

Mitch laughed. “It’s the nineteenth, darling. Lose a day?”

Bristling, Mike moved closer to the producer. Evan watched him.

“Is it?” Kate looked at Susie for confirmation, getting just a nod. “Oh. I guess I lost track.”

“Forget where you lived yesterday, too?” Mike’s tone was accusatory, pushing for an explanation. “Evan’s mom has been here since last night.”

Kate flushed, flustered only for a moment. “Has she? I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t here.” She walked in further, speaking only to Susie. “Have a good time?”

Evan watched Susie decide how to respond to her roommate, torn, of course, from Kate using her again. Finally, she attempted a grin, pushing closer into Duncan. “It was great. They made tons of new fans all over.”

Kate nodded, turning back to Mike. “I’m glad. You deserve it.”

He stared at her, then glanced at Mitch’s smirk, and brushed past the producer and out the door.
“Mike….” Kate called to the closing door and again looked to her friend, her only friend, as far as Evan knew. “We were just working last night.”

Susie remained silent this time. Nothing needed to be said. Evan expected she didn’t believe Kate any more than he did, or wasn’t sure she could.

Not getting the support she was looking for, Kate went back out the door, most likely heading to Mike’s apartment to try to make up again. Evan hoped his friend wouldn’t give in.

“Did I mess something up?”

Evan studied Mitch’s face. He didn’t like him any more than Susie did. But he tried not to let it show. “That’s been messed up for a long time.” He felt Susie’s eyes on him and regretted saying it in front of her. She believed in her roommate. Why, Evan didn’t have a trace of an idea. But he had to be careful about how much he said to her. Regardless of what he thought of Kate, he didn’t want to insult his best friend.

“So how did you do?” Mitch moved further into the room. “Other than the tons of new fans, which is rather unspecific. How did they react to the songs from the LP?”

Evan caught Susie’s expression at being made fun of, and Duncan’s eyes, which told Evan he better tone the producer down, if possible. “The reaction overall was much better than we expected.” He debated whether to ask the producer to sit down in order to be polite or to try to encourage him to leave.

Mitch didn’t give him the option. Throwing a quick hello to the woman he hadn’t met, he strode over to the chair opposite where Susie and Duncan were sitting and planted himself.

Evan introduced his mom, which led to a more friendly greeting.

“Well, about the reaction, I expected it must have been fair, since record sales have started jumping. Not bad for unknowns. I knew I could spot salable talent.” He crossed one leg over the other, congratulating himself.

Susie stayed quiet during the questioning until she began yawning, and Evan’s mom suggested the men leave so she could get to bed.

Mitch tilted his head, looking at her. “So you live here, with Kate. Why didn’t you just tell me that when I asked?”

She glanced at Evan before answering. “I’m not in the habit of telling people where I live.”

Mitch chuckled. “You know, I’ve been wondering since the last time we talked; what on earth has made you so distrustful of people? Or is it just men?”

Duncan shifted, leaning forward, eyes focused on the producer. “I do no’ think that’s any of your concern.”

“I suppose not, but I have to wonder what it would take for her to accept what I’m about to offer.”

Duncan’s jaw tightened. But he waited.

Mitch brushed off the look. “I would love to put you on the front of an LP. That’s what Kate and I have been working on, and the deal I got her was pretty sweet for a newcomer to the business. I could get you the same.”

“I told you before, I’m not a model.”

“And as I said before, you could be.” Mitch’s eyes ran along her body. “You sure have the right look.”

Susie pulled a leg up in front of her, wrapping her arms around it, her typical withdrawing position.

“And flexible, too.”

“I’m not interested.” Her voice was shaky, embarrassed.

“Talk to Kate. Ask her what kind of money she’s making, not to mention the exposure.”

“Money doesn’t control me.”

“No? Then what does?” He smirked again.

Evan jumped in, preventing Duncan doing so. “I think Mom’s right. It’s getting late and tomorrow’s a work day.” He noted Duncan’s expression at being cut off and would have to apologize, but Evan had seen the look before, more than once, and he didn’t want trouble with the producer if he could help it. So he was flirting with Susie. As long as they, or at least one of them was there to interfere, what did it matter? If Mitch had any idiot ideas about actually hitting on her, he wouldn’t be doing it in front of her boyfriend. The guy had brains. But he didn’t have any idea about just how volatile Duncan could be, without warning, after sitting back and allowing the prey to walk into the trap. Evan knew too well. It was one thing that bothered him. Susie had no idea. And she was so much against violence, Evan was afraid it would eventually cause problems between them.

He helped take the coffee cups back to the kitchen and dried as she washed. Duncan hadn’t followed. He’d stayed to escort Mitch out of the apartment and was likely caught in conversation with his mom. Evan thought it rather strange how much his mom was trying to get to know his buddy. She’d always been polite to his friends but had never really talked to them. Maybe it was for John’s sake, because Susie’s dad was not happy and she was checking Duncan out for him. It didn’t sound like something she would do, though. Possibly, she was accepting him as family because Evan did.

Setting the last cup back in the cabinet, he turned to look at Susie. She was irritated with Mitch, he knew, but there was something else.

“What?” She stared back.

“That’s what I was wondering. I mean, other than Mitch being obnoxious.”

“I don’t like him, Evan. I’m glad he’s helping you guys out, and I guess he actually is, but I don’t like him. And I don’t trust him.”

“Kate shouldn’t have brought him here.” He leaned back against the counter.

Susie looked down, in agreement, Evan suspected, but she wouldn’t say so. She shrugged. “It’s her place, too. And she didn’t know I was home.”

Evan took a deep breath. He didn’t want to do the Kate conversation again. “Well, I was asking what you were thinking about other than Mitch. There’s something bothering you.”

She touched his eyes. “I can’t hide much of anything from you, can I?”

“So stop trying.” He grinned, moving closer.

“Okay. Well….” She fidgeted, hesitating. “I don’t exactly know how to ask.”

“Suse, it’s me. Just ask.”

She glanced toward the doorway, then looked back, into his face but not his eyes. “Are you…? This is going to sound like it’s none of my business, but I think it is.”

He moved in front of her, touching her chin, bringing her eyes to his. “What?”

“Are you irritated at Duncan for last night?”

She knew. Evan dropped his hand. If she knew…

“Evan, he was with me.”

Pulling away, he nodded. “And now you’re thinking it’s not my business.”

“I don’t want it to come between you. Whatever happens, Evan. I’m an adult, you know. I can deal with it.”

“And you thought I set you up. Would you have started dating him if you didn’t?”

She grinned. “Well, it would’ve taken me longer, I suppose, but yes. I would have anyway. So it seriously doesn’t have anything to do with you, except that you brought him here, and you didn’t interfere. I know you would have if….”

He nodded again. Yes, he would have, if he thought there was any real reason. Grudgingly, Evan admitted to himself there was no real reason. He loved Duncan as a brother and he’d never seen him as grounded, or as … stable, as he was now. The only interference was his own jealousy. And he would stop allowing it. It wouldn’t change anything if Duncan wasn’t in the picture. He and Susie would still only be friends.

Another deep breath pushed that thought out of his mind. There was no point in thinking about it further. “So, we should probably rescue him from mom. She seems to be digging more than he might appreciate.”

“Not digging, getting to know him. Like I wish Dad would.”

He looked up again. “Do you? Are you sure you want your dad trying that hard to find out more about him? Do you think he’d be okay with it?”

She looked away. Evan was instantly sorry he said it. But if she wasn’t thinking about that, she should be. John would not be pleased to know she was dating a guy hiding from immigration. But would he do anything about it? Use it against Duncan? They had to take care of that somehow, and soon. He knew, as he’d hinted to his buddy, that by now Roy was not going to be any help. Duncan had antagonized him too often. Their manager was now using it as a trump card. They had to take care of it soon.

“I don’t want him to leave, Evan. And I don’t want to keep hiding it from Dad. We have to do something.”

“Yes, and we will. Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.” How, Evan didn’t have the start of an idea. It would be easier if they could talk to John. But he had to wait for Duncan to decide whether to trust him. And Susie’s response wasn’t heartening.

He set a hand on her back and started toward the living room.

She stopped before they left the privacy of the kitchen. “By the way, he slept on the couch last night. He’s not pushing. If … anything happens, it’ll be my choice. He’s not pushing me.”

Evan couldn’t stop a breath of relief, hoping she didn’t notice. She wasn’t…. They weren’t…. Not yet. “Guess I won’t have to break his legs, then. For pushing.”

She grinned, leading him out to the other room.



Susie told Diane goodnight, watching her disappear into the guest room, and followed Evan to the door, closing it behind him. She turned, finding her boyfriend close enough to feel his breath. He leaned down to kiss her.

Wrapping herself in him, she pulled tighter, drawing his body in, clinging. They had to do something, soon. She couldn’t let him get taken away. She wouldn’t lose him.

His breath warmed her neck … kisses on the bare skin of her shoulder gave her shivers. Her decision. It was becoming harder. She wanted to be a part of him, for him to be a part of her. But she wanted more. And there was still some doubt in the back of her mind. He wouldn’t stay forever. She couldn’t let herself believe he would. He was too untamed, unsettled. Steve wanted to push him, with or without the band.

He inched away, slid his hands around from her back to her arms, down to her hands, grasping them. “I need t’ go.” His eyes drilled into hers. “I am glad y’ were there, on the tour. I coul’ no’ have enjoyed i’ as much otherwise.”

“Duncan….” He had to know. She couldn’t talk to Evan behind his back and not tell him. “Sit with me a minute.” She saw the question in his eyes. “I … talked to Evan, asked him…. I probably shouldn’t have, but….”

He touched her face. “I do no’ care wha’ y’ tell Ev. Or wha’ y’ do no’ tell him.”

She hesitated. Did that mean he didn’t want to know? “Sit with me, anyway. I don’t want you to leave.” His chin raised, as if he were about to protest but debating silently. “Not yet.”

Giving in, he went back to the couch, sitting first to allow her to decide how much space to leave, or not to leave. She didn’t. Pulling a leg up to be able to shift enough to face him without leaving space, Susie leaned against the arm he put behind her shoulders. “You were right. He was wondering.”

“An’ y’ told him y’ knew I was ou’ of the room.”

“I told him you were with me, on the couch, not….” She took a breath. “Was that too much? Should I have…?”

“I figured y’ had. His look was friendlier after y’ came ou’ of the kitchen.”

“Duncan, he didn’t…. He expected you were with me. He didn’t think … not that I could tell. But if I said too much, say so.”

“Babe, I do no’ care. Ev can think wha’ he wants.”

“But he’s your friend. I don’t want to say anything embarrassing for you, or….”

“An’ if I had t’ worry abou’ that, i’ would no’ be much of a friendship.” He touched her hair, running his fingers down to the end. “We are no’ friends because he agrees with wha’ I do, or wha’ I ‘ave done. I know he does no’ agree with a lo’ of what I ‘ave done. An’ I do no’ agree with everything he ‘as done. We are friends because i’ does no’ matter tha’ we do no’ agree. We can argue abou’ i’ and le’ it go.”

“So I won’t get in the way? Even if….” She shrugged.

He was silent, studying her face. Finally, he took her hand, holding her fingers and caressing them with his thumb. “Suse, why are y’ always so worried abou’ bein’ in the way? Y’ have as much right t’ be here, t’ do as y’ do and say wha’ y’ feel as anyone else. Y’ can only come between people if they allow y’ to. Why d’ y’ think it is your responsibility?”

His words touched a sore spot within, and she wasn’t even sure how to answer, or why it was bothering her.

“Y’ do no’ have t’ excuse yourself for jus’ bein’. No one has more righ’ t’ be here than y’ do. Y’ do no’ have t’ apologize for it.”

Apologize … for just being. Is that what she was doing? She felt her eyes water and looked away, trying to stop it. She didn’t even know why she was upset. What made him think…?

His hand took her back to him. Looking at his face, the question in his eyes, she lost the battle for control. And Duncan pulled her in, holding her as close as he could, kissing the side of her head. “Y’ are no’ in the way, ever.”

She pressed against him, feeling him lean back further into the couch, moving with him until his head rested against the arm. Lying on top of his body, face smothered against his neck, Susie knew it would be misinterpreted if anyone were there, if Diane were to come out for a drink. But she didn’t move. Instead, she lay still, listening to his heart beat, focusing on his fingers stroking her hair. And she kissed him, on his shoulder, his neck. Raising her head, she found his lips. The tears were gone. He was intoxicating, mixing her emotions, rewriting her history. She saw things differently from his eyes – more clear, vivid. Apologize for being. For being who she was instead of who she knew she was expected to be? No … no. Not either way. Not for those who saw her as not enough, or for those who saw her as too much. He saw her for just what she was, no more or less. She loved him for that.

And she loved the way he kissed her, not apologizing, not holding back or pushing too far. Just accepting where they were at the moment. And it was good enough.

“Suse, I need to talk to you!”

Kate’s voice pounded into her brain. Startled, she released his lips, looking up to find her roommate standing there staring.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t expect…”

Susie put her head down again, behind Duncan’s, buried into his shoulder. Maybe Kate would just go away.

“Am I interrupting something that was gonna happen?” Kate’s voice shifted to amusement. “’Cause it sure looks like it.”

Susie raised her head again, sighing. But she didn’t change her position. “Can it wait?”

Kate’s eyebrows shot up. “I think I’m not the one you should be asking.” She grinned at Duncan.

“Can we talk later?” Susie wasn’t amused, though Duncan seemed to be. She wanted her to go away.

“Oh. I guess.” The actor’s voice kicked in again, too dramatic. “I told him.”

“Who?”

“Mike. I told him.”

The baby. She’d told Mike about the baby. “Oh.”

Duncan started to move. “I’ll go so y’ can talk.”

She met his eyes, not wanting to agree but knowing Kate needed her.

“You’re such a sweetie. Are you sure you won’t go out with me?” Kate winked.

Chuckling, Duncan looked back at Susie. “I think I ‘ave my hands full as i’ is.” He helped Susie sit up so he could.

She walked to the door with him and stepped out into the hallway, away from Kate’s eyes. “I’m sorry. If it weren’t important….”

He shook his head. “It’s late. Do no’ let her keep y’ up too long.”

Susie kept hold of his hand. “This gets harder every time.”

“What?”

“Letting you leave.” His stare made her wonder if she sounded obsessive. She didn’t mean it that way. At least she didn’t think she did.

He kissed her again, wrapping her in his arms. Then he touched her eyes in the darkness of the hallway. “I am in love with you.” Duncan brushed her lips, not allowing her time to respond. “G’ night, Babe. Sleep well.”