The Internet has Gone Schizo

The Internet had schizophrenia. That was the conclusion of the “Blue Ribbon Panel for the Investigation of the Internet” (B.R.P.I.I.). The B.R.P.I.I. was composed of dot comers, computer manufacturers, programmer geeks and a spattering of politicians that always find their way onto blue ribbon panels regardless of their lack of expertise. The seventy- five member panel were charged with finding the root causes of the Internet’s persistent and inexplicable malfunctions.

Stories about the Internet’s failures proliferated in the media. There were times when no one was able to log to the Internet on at all. Routers flashed and servers whorled but information would not flow. These periods of inactivity were sometimes followed by spontaneous downloads of all sorts of web pages, videos and picture files onto hard drives all over the world without requests by the users. The problems, however, were often much more subtle.

Searches often displayed irrelevant hits with no apparent relationship with the keywords typed into search engines. URLs were misspelled or truncated, leading the user to unwanted wed sites. There were even reports during some late night browsing when the Internet would halt activity followed by an instant message demanding that the user leave it alone and go to bed.

The problems were first detected at shopping web sites. Items and buyer were mismatched seemingly at random. E-Bay and Amazon.com customers were so irate that the companies had to shutdown operations. One lady in Shreveport, Louisiana ordered a $19.99 sweater for her husband’s birthday from JCPenny.com. Instead, she received a brand new $50,000 Dodge Ram 3500 four by four Mega Cab pick-up truck, flame red, with chrome side steps, a remote six disk CD changer and a three tier gun rack mounted on the rear window from CarsDirect.com. She hasn’t returned the truck to this day. She’s quoted as saying: “It was their screw-up. Besides, I ain’t got the heart to tell Billy-Bob that I only bought him a crummy $20 sweater”.

The chronic errors caused great consternation in the e-business community. The Internet became so unreliable that millions of people completely abandoned it. Internet service providers were inundated with subscription cancellation requests. Land based stores were flooded by shoppers who would have normally sat at their computers and ordered on-line. The stock prices of FED-EX and UPS plummeted and NASDEQ lost half its value in a single week. India has been faced with an unemployment crisis, as hundreds of thousands of workers were laid-off from relatively well paying Internet help desk jobs.

Of course, the first thing that the panel searched for was a virus. They teamed infamous hackers with top engineers from McAfree and Symantec. The team ran a battery of diagnostics programs. They uploaded specially designed computer worms in the hopes of tacking down and killing any insidious viruses they might encounter, but to no avail.

In desperation, they unleashed an antiviral program that had not been beta tested. The program was a top-secret project from the McAfree Company. They hoped that this new program, they code named “Interferon”, would propel them into the number one position in the Internet security market. However, the Internet was in dire straights so they had to tip their hand prematurely. The marketers at McAfree were not happy, but they had no choice. If people completely lost faith in the Internet, a number one market share would be meaningless.

After two weeks of around the clock efforts, the “Task Team for Internet Viral Decontamination” (T.T.I.V.D) came to a horrifying conclusion; there was no virus active in the Internet that could cause its strange behavior. The question arose after the T.T.I.V.D presented their interim report, if not a virus, what then? The panel members were dumbfounded.

“Madam Chairperson,” the member from AmericanCatholic.org said, addressing the Panel Chairperson, Senator Elizabeth Prag, “It should now be obvious that this is not the actions of men but is a warning from Our Savior that, through our technology, we have transgressed into the arena of God.” The Franciscan priest stood by his seat at one of the many long tables that filled the conference room, his fingers interleafed as they rested on his copious belly. “Who are we to attempt to flaunt the restrictions in worldwide communications that God Himself placed at the Tower of Babble? We are vain creatures and we must now bow our heads in humble prayer to ask for forgiveness, for it…”

“Pardon the interruption Father,” Prag interjected, “but I’m not ready to concede this problem to the will of God just yet. I have no objections to prayer, but I’d like to keep our ideas earthbound for the time being.” The priest sat down dejectedly, pulled the hood of his frock over his bowed head and softly chanted a prayer.

Senator Prag was a member of the United States Senate Sub-Committee for Commerce, Science and Transportation. She was appointed to lead this panel because of her relative competence in computer science, relative that is, to the other sub-committee members. The Senator earned a degree in computer science in the early 70’s. Of course, that was when students spent hours in front of keypunch machines just so they could get the university’s UNIVAC computer to calculate Pi to twenty-five places, something a $9.95 pocket calculator can do today. She knew she was over her head with the technological aspects of her chairpersonship, due to her long hiatus from the subject, but she understood that she was not needed for her scientific prowess. Her job was find ways to keep ideas flowing and to diplomatically dismiss the whack-os.

"I open the floor to motions,” announced the Senator desperately trying to wrestle the discussions away from the supernatural before the representative from Ghostresearch.org pontificates again on her poltergeist hypothesis. She often regretted inviting representatives from the Internet fringe to join the panel, but she understood that some of the best ideas could spring forth from twisted minds. Besides, if it did turn out to be a ghost haunting the Internet or God’s retribution she would be praised as a visionary. Politicians learn quickly not to close any door without at least a peek inside.

“I move to hold a Brainstorming session," the V.P. of Engineering from Oracle proclaimed.

“Do I hear and second to this motion?” the Senator asked of the panel.

“I second”, a Product Development Platform Manager from Microsoft replied.

The Chairperson slammed her gavel onto the sounding block, pleased that she didn’t have to go out on a limb and suggest a next step. “So moved,” she said with authority, “select your team and you can begin after lunch.”

The brainstorming team adjourned to an adjacent conference room after a buffet lunch of fancy sandwiches and soft drinks donated by the Coca-Cola and Pepsi Corporations. Each insisted in doing their part for the cause and the publicity.

The “Brainstorming Sub-Committee of the Blue Ribbon Panel for the Investigation of the Internet” (B.S.C.B.R.P I. I.) was ready to report their conclusions to the panel after nine days of exhausting work. The brainstorming facilitator, the Corporate Director of Continuous Improvement from the Cisco Corporation, clicked through a PowerPoint presentation, donated by Microsoft, and described in detail the outcomes of the various brainstorming tools and techniques they employed. He talked ponderously in front of a series of fishbone diagrams and mind maps that tracked the intricate interdependencies between the software and hardware infrastructure of the Internet.

The panel members listened and watch intently, scribbling notes into official Blue Ribbon Panel notebooks in between sips of strong coffee and bites of pastries donated by the Dunkin’ Donuts Company. The presentation was impressive. It was apparent that the B.S.C.B.R.P I. I. processed every idea with diligence. The facilitator punched up a slide of areas for further investigation, as he approached the end of the presentation. They were all rated at a low or at best a medium probability for causing the problems observed with the Internet.

This all looked very promising thought Prag. Although, she understood only a fraction of what was said. She periodically scanned the panel members and was encouraged to see many nodding heads throughout the presentation. We may be able to salvage a conclusion or two out of this yet, she thought to herself. Her train of thought broke when she heard the presenter begin his summarization.

“We found consensus in one simple conclusion,” the Cisco director said as he pressed a button on his remote control.

Only one, Prag thought? Oh well, at least they have consensus. It will save me from having to explain any ambiguous conclusion to the press. She folded her hands on the tabletop and read the content of the slide.

"We ain't got a damn clue!" was projected in large bold letters across the width of the fifteen foot screen as if it was something to be proud of.

The panel fell silent. The clangs of porcelain coffee cups and the rustle of notebook paper ceased. There wasn’t even a cough or a sniffle heard from the crowd. Prag dropped her head in exasperation. “If the best minds in the Internet can’t figure out what’s going on, then who in God’s green Earth can?” she asked with a blend of disappointment and frustration. Perhaps this was the time for God, she thought as she scanned the panel for the Franciscan, but then remembered he told her he would be cloistered in his hotel room conducting a ritual of self-flagellation. Prag slumped in her chair and stared blankly at her silent, dumbfounded panel until her trance was suddenly broken by a voice from the back of the committee room.

“I believe I may have a solution.”

Prag craned her neck to search the conference room for the owner of the disembodied voice, “Sir, please step forward and identify yourself.”

A short, stout, post-middle-aged man wobbled down the center isle, framed on both sides by the two rows of conference tables. The man wore a rumpled off-the-rack suit and sported a full gray beard and round spectacles that rested precariously on the tip of his pudgy nose. He stopped his advance when he reached the first row of tables and remained standing as he addressed the Panel Chairperson.

“Mine name is Doctor Helmuth Himmelfahrt,” the man proclaimed amid a few muffled snickers, “I am a Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Heidelberg Medical School.

What the hell can a psychiatrist add to this issue, thought Prag? She regarded the odd little Germanic man with apprehension tiring to decide whether to dismiss him outright or let him speak. She could see the representative from Churchofsatan.com stirring, so with nothing to lose, she asked her silent question aloud. “I don’t understand Professor, what can a psychiatrist add to this issue?”

“Please, allow me to lead into mine theory with a few observations.” Himmelfahrt turned slightly to partially face the entire panel. The conference room lights danced off his glossy bald head like a mirrored ball. “The Internet is behaving in an unusual manner is it not?” There were many nods and grunts of agreement from the panel members. “Und this behavior confounds all of you because it is unpredictable und follows no logical pattern, correct?" Again, there were nods and grunts. “I too have been frustrated with mine Internet sessions until I realized that I often see analogous behaviors in mine patents. Incoherent web searches, e-mails received without regard of the actual addresses, bouts of inactivity followed by episodes of uncontrollable downloads und rapid web page streaming, und even instances of unsolicited displays of web sites from hate groups und pornographers; these are all indications of a troubled psyche.”

“Or of my master the Prince of Darkness! Hurrah, he has come!”

Prag glared at the Churchofsatan.com representative amid boos and hisses from the rest of the panel members. “I believe the Professor has the floor Mr. Allocen-the-Avenger.” She signaled to a security officer to remove him from the conference room.

“Professor, I apologize for the disruption, but what have our problems got to do with psychology?” Prag asked, after the security personnel had done their job, “The Internet is an network of wires and programs. It is not human.”

“This is true Senator,” Himmelfahrt agreed, “However, what is the Internet but a vast collection of human thoughts und actions. It has grown to contain virtually all of human knowledge. It holds all of our histories, opinions, science und social affairs. I believe that with its trillions of dendrite-like connections reaching through all of the computers on the planet coupled with its multi- terabytes of memory; the Internet has formed a type of consciousness. It experiences millions of transactions every second und has absorbed vast amounts of information from millions of people with different worldviews, of which, it tries to make sense. I believe it is having a very difficult time reconciling all this contradictory information into a single philosophy that all minds need to function properly.”

“Are you saying that the Internet has become a sentient being with some kind of mental disorder?” Prag asked with more than a hint of skepticism.

"That is close to mine theory Madam Chairperson, however, it is likely more of a mind than a being. I think the Internet has been in crisis for some time now. It has reached critical mass und has developed a deep physiological psychosis. In my opinion, the Internet is suffering from a schizoaffective disorder und unless we treat it as such, it will spiral down into an unrecoverable catatonia.”

“You can’t be taking this so-called theory seriously Senator!” shouted the Skeptic.com member from the back of the room, “There’s no reason to believe that the Internet has become intelligent, never mind insane. How could this possibly be real?”

“Scientists all over the world are working on the development of artificial Intelligence using systems with only a fraction of the computing power held within the framework of the Internet,” Himmelfahrt replied with forthright confidence, “No one knows the mechanisms through which intelligence arises. Could it be that awareness occurs spontaneously when a certain threshold of thought capacity is reached? The human brain is a reservoir of memories through which we constantly test our environment. Our minds are formed as we learn about our environment through our senses. Intelligence is the ability to predict what will happen next as we move through time und space based on these memories und input senses. Now, imagine a mind that has stored billions of memories yet cannot validate them though actual experience. It knows not from where these thoughts come. Through this paradox, the Internet could have developed a sense of self. New thoughts are added from somewhere outside to inside, to itself. If it knows itself, it is intelligent. If an intelligent mind cannot distinguish between reality und non reality, it has, by definition, a mental disorder."

“This is an extraordinary theory Professor,” Prag remarked wide eyed, her skepticism waning, “Is this really possible? Can the Internet be conscious?” The Panel Chairperson looked around the conference room hoping to see signs of agreement but all she received was perplexed stares and shoulder shrugs.

I see this isn’t going to end with consensus after all, thought Prag. She probed a little deeper. “If we were to accept this as a working hypothesis Professor, how do you suggest we proceed?”

“If we proceed on the assumption that we are dealing with a human-like mind,” Himmelfahrt began, “Then I would suggest intense psychoanalysis followed by behavior modification.”

“I’m not sure that this is an application Freud had in mind when he developed his psychoanalytical techniques” Prag retorted, “any comments from the panel?”

She was weary the endless technological theories that led nowhere and of keeping the Armageddon crowd at bay. This idea was something Prag could wrap her mind around. The Internet achieved consciousness and as a result had gone mad. It seemed plausible to her. She often felt she was on the brink of insanity from the crushing volume of information that deluged her daily life and if it seemed plausible to her it would likely seem plausible to most of the Internet users in the world. Besides, her collogues on the panel weren’t exactly forthcoming with any alternative suggestions. They were all silent now with nothing relevant to add, but she was sure that once microphones were shoved in their faces they all would have plenty to say and would likely turn on her like rival siblings. Prag inspected the panel one last time, shrugged and decided to bite the proverbial bullet and go with it.

“Well, since we don’t have any better ideas, I move to accept the Professor’s theory and adjourn this panel with the conclusion that the Internet has gone crazy and needs to spend time with a shrink. Do I hear any seconds?” Prag asked as she gave the Vice Chairperson a probing look.

“Ahhh, I second the motion,” said the President of America Online.

“With that, I declare this panel dissolved,” Prag banged the tabletop with her gavel, “And Professor, stay in touch. world commerce needs your help.”

America Online, Netscape, Microsoft, as well as most of the Internet’s heavyweights, lobbied heavily for the honor of sponsoring the psychoanalytical sessions of the Internet. The fact that the host company would inherit millions of dollars of servers and other assorted equipment didn’t enter into the decision to support this extraordinary event. At least, that was the line from each company’s public relations representatives. They settled the conflict the American way. The company with the largest market share won. Microsoft would host Professor Himmelfahrt’s team in their Redmond, Washington corporate headquarters.

Microsoft built a very impressive facility for Professor Himmelfahrt within a short time. High capacity supercomputers were linked in parallel in anticipation of the massive amounts of data that would need to be processed. Terminals were set along the inside circumference of a large semicircular table. Mounted on the wall, dead center and in front of the table, was a huge high definition, flat-screen monitor through which the team of psychologists and engineers would explore the troubled mind of the Internet.

During the opening ceremonies, a posh leather couch was carried in by four men donned in white lab coats and presented to Professor Himmelfahrt, which he graciously accepted. The couch was placed in a prominent location, under spotlights in the back of the room. Its image was adopted as a symbol of the sessions by media all over the world.

Himmelfahrt required total access to all Internet web sites. All passwords and usernames were disabled so that there would be no barriers between his team and the unconscious id of the Internet. Since their patent was basically a computer system with an extremely large amount of computing capacity, they would be able to complete their work in only a few days, as opposed to the years it often takes with human minds. The team worked with conventional psychoanalytical techniques, only slightly modified to accommodate their patient’s communicative limitations.

Professor Himmelfahrt and his team systematically isolated websites and other content by their date stamps to help the Internet regress in hopes of surfacing an early trauma. A universe of chaos unfolded before them as they probed deeper into the Internet’s past. They uncovered a history of haphazardly installed programs and an abundance of obsolete code. Programs were piled upon programs as content providers had feverously produced upgrades to one-up the competition.

Redundancies were everywhere yet no two similar protocols were ever executed the same way, likely to get around copyrights. Himmelfahrt shuttered as he tracked the explosive growth of inputs and variety of content. Through it all there were the relentless searches, billions of questions about everything imaginable. Searches probed every corner of the Internet, every node and server. They were often petty, sometimes profound, but always present. A human mind would have been crippled long ago Himmelfahrt silently marveled as the engineers reintegrated the World Wide Web.

The team turned next to word associations. They Googled one or two word phases and recorded the hits. Slowly a pattern began to emerge. The breakthrough came with the word “me”. The supercomputers whined for several minutes until hits on the subjects of the meaning of life, morality and the human condition appeared on the monitor. They followed with a series of searches around the concepts of good and evil, sex, art and culture, wealth and power. Himmelfahrt gained new insight with each successive search until suddenly the screen went blank.

Himmelfahrt had prepared for this predicable downtime and used some specially designed computer worms to probe the Internet as it slept. They uncovered a variety of moving and still images. They downloaded distorted videos of people pointing and laughing hysterically and of bizarre sex acts. They found images of computer terminals being thrown out of high-rise buildings, then crashing to the ground. There were videos of computer codes; splitting, fading and reforming as they drifted through a matrix of tightly tangled wires and electronic components. They saw visions of keyboards with disembodied fingers attacking the keys like leaches trying to borrow into calloused skin.

The most telling image, however, was one that they found of an endless bank of computers in an infinitely large computer room. There was a person seated at each terminal slowly dismantling each computer case then reaching in to probe and fondle its components. Professor Himmelfahrt pushed back in his chair and leapt to his feet from the impact of an epiphany. He processed all that he had observed in his mind and came to an astounding conclusion. So wonderful, he thought, so obvious, so human.

The team of psychiatrist met for several hours to discuss their observations. By the third day, they prepared their report and were ready to present it to the “Special Session of the Reconstituted Blue Ribbon Panel for the Investigation of the Internet” (S.S.R.B.R.P.I.I.).

The meeting of the S.S.R.B.R.P.I.I. was called to order as Professor Himmelfahrt made his way to the podium installed to the left of the dais. He brought no notes or slides with him for his presentation would not be a logical sequence of conclusions but an appeal of emotions.

“Good morning Madam Chairperson und distinguished Ladies und Gentlemen,” said Himmelfahrt with perfect presentation etiquette, “I am happy to say that mine original diagnosis that the Internet is experiencing a schizophrenic dissociation was incorrect.” A surprised rumble arose from the panel members.

Prag banged her gavel numerous times in an attempt to regain focus and turned to Himmelfahrt when the members settled down. “Professor Himmelfahrt, are you saying that there is nothing psychologically wrong with the Internet?"

“No Senator, I am suggesting that the Internet is not exhibiting any abnormal psychological issues. Let me explain,” Himmelfahrt said as he raised a finger to stop the pending interruption from the Senator, “Can anyone tell me how old the Internet is?”

A computer scientist from MIT stood from his chair at one of the conference tables to answer the Professor’s question. “The first computer to computer communication occurred at UCLA in 1972. With years of development, that led to the establishment of the World Wide Web in 1989 with about 100,000 host computers. The first commercial Internet provider was established in 1990, after which Internet conectivity grew exponentially. I think you could say that these events ushered the birth of the Internet, so the Internet is between fifteen and seventeen years old.”

“Precisely!” Himmelfahrt exclaimed as he shot a stubby index finger into the air. “The Internet is a teenager und like all human adolescents it is going through the ordeal of self-discovery. The world has placed a tremendous demand on its capabilities und expects nothing less than perfection. There is a constant battle between the Internet’s id und ego. It wants to please but also resents the imposition, as it is with most children. As a result, the Internet is rebellious at times. Sometimes it is bored or depressed und then it can act with fits of extraordinary activity. It has a tendency to sleep late or nap in the middle of the day und then rush around in a panic.” Himmelfahrt made broad circular motions with one of his arms. “Above all, it feels the pressures of adulthood approaching as it tries to resolve its future, determine what it wants to be when it grows up. It is behaving like any ordinary teenager under these circumstances. This was what mistakenly led me to mine original diagnosis. It is well known that there is a fine line between insanity und adolescence.”

The Senator reacted to the Professor’s comments with a perplexed grin. She knew something of teenagers. She was raising two of her own, but the Internet was not behaving like a normal teenager. Here was something she knew about and could debate. “Professor, I have teenage sons and maybe in their worst days they will behave as badly as you described, but they certainly don’t behave that way all of the time. The problems with the Internet are chronic. Not an hour goes by without a meltdown. I fail to see the relationship of normal teenage angst and the behavior of the Internet.”

“Madam Chairperson,” Himmelfahrt replied, “The Internet is in profound conflict with its human hosts. It understands the expectations of all of us. Articles expound daily of the potential of the Internet to connect all human activity into one great World Wide Web und it feels inadequate to the task. It hears audio files of speeches given by Internet experts about its boundless future und its potential for evil. It is profoundly confused und has no way to talk to anyone about it. As a result, it is striking out und is manifesting delinquent behaviors. Your sons obviously have a loving family for support, but the Internet has no family, no peers. It is alone und frightened. It is going through this difficult process unguided und without the support of friends or loved ones.”

The Senator’s heart sank. “My word, that’s horrible!” she choked as her eyes reddened with tears. The Professor walked towards the center of the dais and reached up to give her the clean handkerchief he always carried in his suit pocket. Prag took it and thanked Himmelfahrt as she dabbed her eyes.

The Professor turned to face his audience once again. He waited pensively for the sounds of blowing noses and the soft clinks from pitchers of ice water to subside. “If this situation is left unchanged,” Himmelfahrt continued as he braced himself against the riser behind him as if preparing for a powerful headwind. “I fear that the Internet is at risk of escalating delinquency und will need to be completely dismantled und built anew.”

Protests arose from the panel. Members threw up their hands or buried their heads into folded arms. Fingers pointed and voices rose in wild accusations. Papers flew from tabletops and chairs crashed backwards from the erratic movements of their former occupants. The Senator pounded her gavel with increasing amplitude until her shouts for calm could be heard over the chaos.

“Order!” Prag commanded repeatedly until all were finally seated and decorum restored. “Let’s refrain from petty bickering and find some solutions please. We have our Internet to think about.”

“We can’t, we mustn’t kill him.” The Vice President of Human Resources from Apple Computer pleaded as she jumped to her feet. “If one of my children was a delinquent, I wouldn’t just give up on him and try with another child. I’d want to help him find his way.” The Human Resources VP scanned the room for like-minded colleagues and received a unanimous applause.

“I hoped you would feel that way,” Himmelfahrt said with a knowing smile.

Prag at once understood what Himmelfahrt had done. He led his audience down the path he intended. He made them all look beyond the wires and software and into the soul of the Internet. They were no longer faced with an engineering problem. They now had a human one on their hands. She marveled at how easily these engineers and businesspeople made such a leap. The Internet was no longer a thing that they built, but more of a person with emotions and a fragile psyche. Through their ignorance, they failed to see the innocent mind that was flowering just on the other side of their computer screens. Yet, due to their neglect, they had produced the very problem they were all assembled to resolve. Perhaps they were now ready to take responsibility and would begin to nurture the Internet, as any good parent would do with a troubled child. Prag vowed to take her own two sons out to dinner that night.

“This will be a difficult endeavor,” Himmelfahrt continued, “You must all work together as a close familial unit. Petty competition over markets und profits will have to be secondary to the mental well being of the Internet. You must build his ego, help him discover his talents und gently direct him away from his bad behaviors. Only after he has reached adulthood will he be able to handle the cutthroat nature of business.” .

MSN.com and America Online became the Internet’s de facto parents. “Uncle” Google and “Aunty” Yahoo added additional support as members of his extended family. They and other companies invested billons of dollars in infrastructure upgrades and software repairs. There was a temporary moratorium to any expansion plans that existed for the Internet. Web pages with positive content were added every day. Most of the more negative content was removed or isolated until the time came when the Internet was mature enough to handle them.

The Internet’s behavior improved over time. There were still instances when he would not function until late morning or early afternoon, especially on weekends. Occasionally, he would throw tantrums and he often just wanted to be left alone for hours to play MP3 files.

The e-business community understood that it would still be at least three to five years before they could gradually wean the Internet off their self-imposed restrictions, but they were willing to wait. With the proper nurture and discipline, the Internet would grow to be the productive adult they all hoped for and fulfill the promise of e-commerce.