The Case of Cupid's Couple

The Case of Cupid’s Couple

         Spam was late. He’d stayed longer than usual at Hannity’s last night. His normal two drinks turned into five. Five drinks can take a while to drink when you’re solving the problems of the world. Between his discussions with Jocko and Ruben, the group was able to tackle quite a few problems. This morning the world still had problems, and Spam had a headache. It had nothing to do with the drinks. He just slept too long and that always gave him a headache.

         He stepped into his office and immediately began shedding his overcoat. Two women were actively engaged in a conversation. Cassidy and a stranger ceased their talking and tuned their attention to Spam. Spam tossed his overcoat over an unoccupied chair and stood there for a moment. He was wearing a light-gray long-sleeved dress shirt with a dark-grey tie, black dress-pants, and winged-tipped shoes. His only accessory was a gun in a shoulder holster.

          “Morning, Ladies—having a nice visit?” Spam broke the silence.

          “Spam, this is Veronica Pond. We’ve just been visiting, since you were so late.” Cassidy gestured to the visitor.

         Spam caught the admonition regarding his tardiness. “I’ve got a hall pass, Cass. So, Miss Pond, are you a friend of Cass’s?”

          “Yes, Spam,” Cassidy interrupted, “Veronica is my new friend. But, more importantly, she is a new client. Now, sit down behind your big desk and listen to what she has to say.”

         Sometimes Spam was not sure if Cassidy was his wife or his girl-Friday. The bottom-line was that it didn’t matter. He was completely dependent on Cassidy. Another time and place and he would have been proud to call her his wife. However, their relationship was not intimate. He cared deeply for Cassidy, but there were no romantic feelings—at least not now.

          “Well, Miss Pond, it appears that you’ve hired yourself a private-eye.” Spam shot a glance to Cassidy, who just smiled and gestured to continue. “What can my partner and I do for you?”

          “Spam, be nice!” Cassidy spoke and rose to get Spam a cup of coffee and a jelly doughnut.

          “Mr. Hummer, first of all it’s Mrs. And this is about my husband.” Veronica continued. “I’m afraid that Jeffery has found someone else.”

         Spam shrugged instantly. He’d had this conversation before. What amazed him was that the woman sitting across from him was beautiful. She had long blond hair that cascaded down her face like graceful feathers. Her face was flawless; an image of what he assumed was Helen who stole the heart of Paris. He was no prude, but he simply could not understand why a man would wander from a woman like this.

          “I love my husband, Mr. Hummer. I would give my very life to make him happy. I don’t know why Jeffery would be unfaithful to me. I thought he loved me. He tells me he does. But, lately he has been working very late in the evenings. And there are more business trips than usual. I would have thought that it was just his ambition with his career, except for the fact that I found this.” Veronica retrieved a piece of paper and held it out to Spam, who was out of reaching distance.

         Cassidy took the paper to hand it to Spam. Before she did she looked closely at the document, studying it.

          “Cass?” Spam drawled, “May I see it also?”

          “Sure, Spam.” Cassidy flashed a smile at Spam, which melted his heart. He really did not mind Cass’s involvement. She had excellent instincts.

         Spam studied the paper. It was a receipt from Lacey’s Lingerie Boutique. One item was purchased—a silk, powder-blue, baby-doll nightie.

          “I’m gonna guess that you did not buy this; did you Veronica?” Spam raised his eye-brows to Veronica.

          “That is correct, Mr. Hummer. Jeffery bought me one just like that for our honeymoon, five years ago. Needless to say, it was a special gift.” Veronica paused with tears welling in her eyes. “And it appears that he has now bought one for someone else.”

         Cassidy moved to stand next to Veronica. She placed a consoling hand on her shoulder, which was acknowledged by Veronica with a brief smile.

          “I’ll find out what I can, Mrs. Pond. Please, understand that this may not be pleasant. I’ve found that the suspicions of wives, in cases like these, are pretty accurate. Prepare yourself for bad news.” Spam figured he might as well shoot straight with her. He couldn’t keep her from being hurt, but he could spread the impact out a little.

          “Thank you, Mr. Hummer.” Veronica spoke with confidence, “I know what the odds are. But I just know in my heart that Jeffery still loves me. There has just got to be some other explanation.”

          “If there is, Spam’ll find it, Veronica. He’s very good.” Cassidy’s eyes met Spam’s and confirmed her devotion to him.

         The meeting was over. After a few pleasantries between Veronica and Cassidy, Spam was left with the chore ahead of him. Still, he was amazed at how a man could walk away from the devotion of such a beautiful woman.

         “It’s a crazy world,” Spam mused to himself.

************

         Spam sat in his Ford Fairlane across the street and down from Veronica’s and Jeffery’s house. The only way to find out where Jeffery spends his time was to follow him. Spam hated this part of the job. It was boring and sneaky. But it was part of what he did, so he resigned himself to the task at hand. He had a cup of coffee and a jelly doughnut to keep him busy at the moment. Then he noticed the garage door of the house raise. Jeffery’s Impala backed out of the drive way and proceeded down the street. The workday had begun.

         Spam spent the entire day following Jeffery through his routine.

                   7:30 am - drive to the office
                   11:45 am - left the office and walked to Greg’s Hot Dog Stand where he
                             purchased lunch
                   12:00 noon - stopped at the newsstand and bought a paper, walked to
                             the park and read it there sitting on a bench.
                   12:45 pm - back to the office
                   5:30 pm - left the office

         This was the first suspicious thing of the day. Veronica informed him earlier that today was supposed to be a late night’s work. It certainly did not appear that way to Spam.

         He followed at a respectable distance. Jeffery was easy to follow; he drove the speed limit, signaled before he turned, and stayed pretty much in the slow traffic lane. They meandered through the city to an older section that was on the fringe of the business district. The block was lined with row-houses which extended to the street with a stoop for an entry to each house. Jeffery pulled to the curb.

         Spam pulled into the parking area of a gas station located on the corner. He had a good view of the property. An attendant walked toward Spam; he waved him off. He’d have to buy some gas from the guy later for letting him use his driveway. However, right now Spam was busy. Jeffery quickly exited the car walked to the front door of one of the row-houses; instead of knocking on the door, he opened it with a key.

         Spam left his car and walked to the public telephone on the outside of the gas station wall. He dialed the number of the police department and waited for the familiar voice of his friend, Dave Frisco, to answer.

          “Hello, Dave—it’s Spam .... Yeah, I’m doin’ fine .... Sure, we need to meet at Jocko’s and have a drink .... Well, yeah, there is something that I want. Can you run an address for me—tell me maybe who lives there? It’s 2324 Belton Road .... Sure, I’ll wait a second.”

         Spam glanced over his shoulder at the house; it was fortunate that he did, for he saw a young woman leave and walk down the street. She watched for a cab and when one appeared she flagged it down and got into the back seat. Spam glanced at his watch; it was 7:30 pm. Dave came back on the line and Spam focused his attention to the telephone conversation.

          “Yeah, Dave, I’m still here .... Yeah, I’ve got a pen—shoot .... OK, Wilma Knight—got it .... Oh really, she owns 2328 also. That’s right next door. That’s interesting Dave .... Well, I don’t have time to go into it right now. I’ll fill you in at Hannity’s over drinks. Catch you later, Bye”

****************

         Spam stood outside of the door of 2328 Belton Road, waiting for someone to answer his knock. He heard a rattling of the door lock and prepared himself to respond to the occupant. The door opened and Spam stood facing a woman who appeared to be in her early sixties. She had a cooking apron on, and he could swear that he smelled cookies baking.

          “Yes,” she smiled at Spam, “can I help you?”

          “Yes, ma’am,” Spam tried to be as charming as Cassidy said that he could be. “I’m new to the neighborhood. I was talking to someone the other day and they said that you may have a row-house for lease. I’m wondering if that’s true or if they are simply misinformed?”

          “Well, I do have a row-house that I lease; but it is not available at the moment. I leased it out to a young lady about four months ago. Your informant is a little tardy.”

          “I’m so sorry to bother you, but they said that you were a really good landlady and that the property was delightful.” Spam poured the charm on as thick as he could without it turning to syrup.

          “Why, how sweet of them--I do try to be a pleasant person. You see, I’m also a neighbor. Have you been looking long, Mr. _____” She waited for Spam to fill in the blank.

          “Hummer…my name is Hummer.” He grimaced within and thought, “Real stupid, Spam!--That’s really thinking on your feet—you dolt!”

          “Well, Mr. Hummer, my name is Wilma Knight.” She smiled again, “I’ve just baked some chocolate-chip cookies, would you like to come in and sample one.”

         His mind said “No” but his mouth said “Yes ma’am, I’d love to try one. They smell delicious.”

         They walked down a hallway passed a parlor and into a small but very neatly kept kitchen. The smell of cookies wafted strongly in the room, and Spam was actually very desirous of sampling the cookies.

          “Here they are, Mr. Hummer. They are freshly baked, hot, and a little gooey. Would you like to have a cup of coffee also?”

         Spam chuckled visibly and responded, “Oh Mrs. Knight, would you marry me? This is the most delightful thing that I have smelled in years.”

         She laughed and responded, “Mr. Hummer, please call me Wilma. If we are going to be married, you should at least call me by my first name. And besides, I won’t hold you to it. These cookies are my secret weapon. I may not do a lot of things right; but, I must say that I cook a very good cookie.”

         Wilma Knight slid a cookie onto a spare plate. She grinned at Spam and slid a second one onto the plate, knowing that one simply would not be enough.

         Spam did not wait for his cup of coffee. He took a bite of the hot cookie. A smile spread over his face as he confirmed that Wilma Knight’s secret weapon was indeed powerful. It was the best cookie that he had ever eaten. He almost forgot what he was doing there as he eagerly finished off the first cookie. Wilma just smiled at him. This was not the first time her cookies had captured the passion of the taster.

         Spam took a sip of the perfectly brewed coffee and with sincere interest asked, “Are you sure that you don’t have a row-house for lease?” The thought of living next to these cookies was extremely inviting.

          “No, Mr. Hummer, my property is quite occupied. Jeannine has leased it, and she is a delightful tenant. I think she likes my cookies.” Wilma smiled convinced that she had a cookie fan.

          “That’s too bad,” Spam spoke, meaning it. “I would be very interested in leasing your property.”

          “Well, you obviously are too late. However, if you can wait a couple of months, it may be available.”

          “Oh really?” Spam’s curiosity was peaked for more than one reason, “and why is that?”

          “You see,” Wilma continued, “Jeannine has only signed a six-month lease. Her lease is up in two months. Of course she has the option to renew; but if you wish, I can put you on the waiting list. You’d be the first that I called.”

          “Mrs. Knight, we will honeymoon in Paris! Please place me on that list, and don’t worry about the cost of the lease. I’m sure that it is fair and well worth it.” Spam smiled widely, amazed at what he’d just done. He was going to lease a property sight-unseen simply because he had sampled a couple of cookies. Cassidy will never let him live this down.

         Having finished the last cookie and drained his cup of coffee, Spam said his good-byes, left his phone number and exited Wilma Knight’s house. He had one last thing to do and he would call it a night.

         It was relatively dark outside now. He walked next door and stood on the stoop. He looked up and down the street and then quickly inserted his lock-pick into the lock and heard the lock click open. Spam entered Jeannine’s home, closing the door quickly behind him. He drew a pin-light from his pocket and walked around the house examining the contents. In the bathroom he found one toothbrush only—interesting.

         Spam entered the bedroom and opened the single closet. On the right side were men’s clothes hanging neatly from the rack; on the left side were women’s clothes hanging just as neatly—interesting.

         He closed the closet door and shinned the light around the remainder of the room. There on the bed he saw it— a silk, powder-blue, baby-doll nightie—very interesting. Spam had seen all that he needed to see. This case was solved. He now had to decide what to do.

******************

         Jeannine sat at the table alone, nursing her Shirley Temple. She didn’t know Spam Hummer, but he was very convincing on the telephone. She knew that she must meet this person. Besides, this appeared to be a safe, public place. She looked at her watch. It was 6:45 pm; he said he’d be here at about this time.

         Spam walked through the door of Hannity’s at 6:50 pm. He stopped briefly at the bar and told Jocko to make him one of his regulars. He said that he would be over at the back table.

         Jocko glanced to the table and grinned widely and said, “Hey Spam, that’s quite a dish. I wouldn’t mind spendin’ some time with her. You can introduce me later maybe?”

         Spam just smiled at Jocko and said, “Believe me Jocko, it wouldn’t work.” He then took his drink and joined the doll at the table.

          “Hi Jeannine, I’m Spam Hummer.” he smiled as he sat in one of the vacant spots at the table.

          “You have me at a disadvantage Mr. Hummer.” Jeannine returned, not yet smiling. “You seem to know me, but I know nothing of you.”

          “You don’t know how right you are, Jeannine.” Spam said as he determined to drop the bomb. “I also know your wife, Veronica.”

         A gasp escaped the attractive woman sitting across from him. She scooted her chair from the table as if she were going to leave; but then decided against leaving.

          “You know?” Jeannine said.

          “Yes, I do.” Spam stated matter-of-factly. “You see, Jeffery, your wife is very much in love with you. She thinks you are being unfaithful. I suspect that you’re not being unfaithful, just untruthful.”

          “You’re correct, Mr. Hummer. I’m living a lie. I have been all my life.” Jeffery/Jeannine took a deep breath and then continued. “I love my wife very much. I could never tell her that I’ve cross-dressed for all my adult life. I’m just too afraid of losing her.”

          “Well, Jeffery, you’re just about to lose her anyway. The way I see it, the only chance you have to keep her is to tell her the truth. In fact, she’ll be here any minute now. I told her that there was someone I wanted her to meet.”

          “My God, Hummer!” Jeffery/Jeannine gasped, “What have you done? I can’t face her like this!”

          “Well, you don’t have a choice, because she’s here.” Spam nodded to the front door where Veronica had just walked in. She saw Spam sitting with a woman and made her way to the table. As she approached, her face stiffened as she prepared to face the facts.

          “So, you’re the one.” Veronica said looking at Jeffery/Jeannine. “I want you to know that I love my husband and I intend to fight for him. You will never be able to give him what I can give him.” Veronica waited for a response from the woman. She stared at her. She seemed vaguely familiar to her. Did she know her? Had she met her before?

          “Veronica, it’s me.” Jeffery/Jeannine spoke softly.

         Veronica stood motionless; trying to comprehend what was just said. Then she recognized her husband Jeffery. Her legs buckled and she quickly sat down before she collapsed.

          “I...I...I can’t believe this. Jeffery, what’s going on? Why are you dressed in women’s clothing? Why do you look so good?” Veronica stammered.

          “I’ve had lots of practice, Veronica. I’ve been doing this since college.” Jeffery/Jeannine replied.

          “Is there anything else that I don’t know?” Veronica quizzed.

          “”No, what you see is what you get. It doesn’t get any worse than this. I mean, I don’t pick up men or anything like that. It’s just that I feel very comfortable wearing women’s clothing. I guess it kinda turns me on.” Jeffery/Jeannine shrugged and then continued, “You and I even wear the same size in some of the clothes.”

          “My God Jeffery, you’ve been wearing my clothes?” Veronica asked incredulously.

          “Sure, I’ve got some of your underwear on right now.” Jeffery/Jeannine replied.

          “Really?” Veronica smiled. “I’d like to see that.”

          “OK! That’s enough for me!” Spam inserted. I’ll let you two work this out. I’ll be over at the bar if you need me. Spam excused himself from the table and walked to the bar, where Jocko had his second drink of the evening waiting for him.

          “So, Spam,” Jocko asked,” What’s with the two dames?”

          “You mean one dame, Jocko.” Spam grinned at Jocko. “The blonde is a dame. The other one is her husband. By the way, do you still want me to fix you up with him? That’s my latest case. I found out that the husband wasn’t seeing another woman; he was the other woman.”

          “Geez, who’d of thought?” Jocko said in amazement as he shook his head.

         They heard chairs scoot from the table. Jeffery/Jeannine and Veronica were leaving. They walked hand-in-hand towards the door. As they passed Spam, Veronica smiled and spoke, “Your check is in the mail, Mr. Hummer. You did very well. This is going to be very interesting.”

          “I’ll bet,” Answered Spam. He turned to Jocko and continued, “Ain’t love grand? And the funny thing is, it looks like I’ll also be moving to a new place.” Spam chuckled and said under his breath, “A place with cookies.”

         Jocko furrowed his brow. He didn’t always understand Spam. All he could do was to add, “Hummer, I don’t want you bringing your cases into my bar. I’ve got a rep to protect.”

******

For mor adventures of Spam Hummer--private eye, see "Spam Hummer -- Private Eye"