Taming the 'Telling' Dragon.

Hey there you Ultimate Writing Workshop people. This week’s topic equally applies to all genres, not just science fiction and fantasy. I’m going to be talking about the difference between telling and showing. I am certain that at some point we have all had a reviewer tell us that some aspect of our story should be shown rather than told.

The reason that TELLING is undesirable is because it is the narrator (the writer) intruding upon the story. Telling passages are told to us by the author, rather than the characters SHOWING us the same information through their actions, emotions, thoughts and dialogue with other characters. Every time the writer intrudes, it shoves the reader out. Kind of like the principle in physics that no two objects can inhabit the same space at the same time. When the writer comes in, the reader goes out.

Since we want to keep our reader in the story, we have to remove ourselves. So, how do we turn our telling into showing? I have a few ideas to offer you.

A friend of mine very graciously allowed me to use his story as a demonstration. My writing has as many flaws an anyone else’s, but I have a harder time detaching myself from my own words, so I thank him for saving me that toil. {Note the adverb 'graciously' for later.)

The ways to avoid telling:

1)Avoid using ‘BE’ verbs. The most used be verbs are ‘was’ and ‘were’ because we usually write in the past tense.

A passage using ‘was’ and ‘were’.

Renshaw looked liked he was already dead. A wound on his head now seeping with infection, his left arm was limp with pain. His dark hair was matted with dried blood and his blue eyes were dull. His wounds were only two days old, but without proper attention and forced to sleep in the dirt, they were quickly worsening.

Passage rewritten to replace was and were. Okay, and I took a little artistic license.

Had someone seen Renshaw, they would have thought him already among the dead. The wound on his head seeped infection, and his arm hung limp with pain. Dried blood matted his dark hair, and a dull haze obscured his eyes. Even after only two days of sleeping in the dirt and going without proper attention, his wounds seemed to worsen by the moment.

The rewritten passage doesn’t change all that much, but it shifts from someone telling us that things are, to us seeing the way they are. A subtle difference that can make all the difference in the world to our readers.

2)Turn passages of the narrator’s voice into scenes complete with Point of View, characterization, action and dialogue.

Example of a passage told by a narrator:

They wanted to stay and properly honor those that lay slain but they knew haste was of the utmost importance and fled the nightmare of Dalamar. Everyone knew this scene would disturb their dreams for many sleepless nights to come. They must return to Balisan to warn Lord Hommera of the impending attacks. Send their fastest scouts to warn the other outposts, pray they were not too late.

Example of the same passage done as a scene.

“Do we have time to bury them?” someone asked from Renshaw’s left. “It seems indecent to leave them lying out here for the animals to pick at.”

Renshaw swallowed against the rolling of his stomach, his mouth bitter with the coppery taste of bile. He looked up at the caravan guard and shook his head. “There’s no time. We have to get back to Balisan and tell Lord Hommera that the Calthua are on the move. It’s more important to save the living than care for the dead.”

“What about the neighboring towns?” the caravan master asked. “The Calthua could be anywhere.”

“We’ll send our fastest scouts to warn the villagers and help them evacuate to Balisan.” Renshaw turned to mount his horse. “The faster we leave, the more lives we’ll save. Let’s just pray that we aren’t already too late.”

He settled in his saddle and turned his mount away from the grisly scene. Closing his eyes, he offered a prayer that the souls of the dead women and children would find their way to heaven.

“This place is going to haunt my dreams forever,” a guard grumbled.

Renshaw shuddered and nodded to himself. It would be the same for all of them.

The second passage didn’t take much more space, but it allows us to step into the scene. The first way we are held on the outside, the second, we are there participating through the person of Renshaw. We get to feel his reactions and hear the conversation of the people involved. We even have a chance to see what sort of person Renshaw is through the decisions he makes and the way he sets priorities. For me, personally, the second way makes for a more exciting and involving read.

3)Replace adverbs with stronger verbs. Every time you see an adverb, you are seeing the narrator trying to tell you their version of the action. Adverbs signify the writer not trusting the reader to understand the nuances of the action. Stronger verbs leave us alone to make up our own minds. Trust your reader, kill every adverb you can.

Some examples.

He ran quickly. He sprinted.

He was really tired. Exhaustion weighed him down like a wet wool cloak.

Dress up your writing with specific verbs.

Conclusion

I consider great writing to be a painting crafted from words. Remove yourself from the picture and let the characters do the talking. Try to limit your ‘be’ verbs to three a page maximum, turn passages of narration into scenes, and remove all your adverbs. You won’t regret it.

Prompt: Go through your novel or short stories and see if you can apply any or all of these suggestions.

Please, if you have any questions about this topic, or specific parts of your story, email them to me, and I will answer them in the March the 15th prompt. Until then...