Overwhelmed With Sorrow

                                       Overwhelmed With Sorrow

         Numbly, I hang up the phone before falling back onto the couch. Trying to catch my breath while crying is next to impossible. Looking up, I see my mother and sister pulling into the drive. I can't let them see me like this, so I run to the bathroom and splash water onto my face as I straighten my hair.

          "Carianna, honey where are you?"  My mom rushes into the house. I can tell they know. With one look, we all burst into tears. This should not be happening; I can't do this. What do I tell the kids? To lose myself in the safety of my mother's comforting arms; to go back to my childhood where I never knew pain like this. I want to stay here forever wrapped in her loving arms, in denial, these thoughts all run through my head.

          "How did you two find out?"  I question them, knowing that in this small town an event is heard about before it's finished. We have lived here since I was 12. A small country town with less than 2,000 people. A town where gossip, for some, is like breathing. It was here that I met Jeff during my first year of High School. We were both members of the athletic club, and were inseparable from our first meeting. He was my first date ever! He was my first and only love-the love of my life. We were married a year after high school and we started our family a year later. Jeff has always had such a bond with the kids and he has been very involved in their lives.

          My parents didn't like the fact that as a freshman I was seeing a junior, but they trusted me and the values that they had instilled in me, letting me make my own choices. After a few months, they came to like Jeff and accepted him into our family. Our parents ended up becoming quite good friends and spend time together, apart from us.

          "Brother Joe called me, I went and got Shelby before coming over here. What do we need to do first? Should we get the kids? Should- " My Mom stops and puts her arms back around me, while I try to stop crying. With my body shaking and the tears coming fast, I can't get a grip on this reality that has been thrown into my face.

          How will I tell the kids? Jay will hide behind his façade that says: "I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it."
He's 14, and emulating his hero - his father - he will try to be manly about the situation..
Raegh. My sweet Raegh - I can't tell her! 12 years old and still "daddy's little girl."  This will devastate her. Will I be able to be for them what my Mom has always been for me? Will I have the strength to hold us all up? Will my doubts, insecurities and this overwhelming sorrow get in the way?

          I realize Shelby, my sister and my best-friend, is stroking my hair as my mother's arms slowly release me. Shelby; she's not one to say much, but she will be here for me and the kids. Her family lives two blocks over and we have always been close. She's older than I and has always looked out for me. We are very different. She is quiet and thinks everything through. I tend to be loud, opinionated and a little rash at times. Jeff is more like Shelby and this is how we have always balanced each other out. Our kids are a mixture of both of us, yet have their own personalities.

          "The kids will be home in 2 hours, I guess we need to go and see him"   thinking aloud... I get up and go to the bathroom. As I'm washing my face, I recall our conversation this morning. We discussed our spring-break plans - a surprise trip for the kids. I can feel his kiss as he ran out the door, late for work. I can still feel the coolness from his badge as he hugged me tight. Jeff has been a cop for 15 years in a bordering city about 25 miles from here. He has always taken his job very seriously and I have always been so proud of him and his accomplishments. Cleaning my face, I look around at this customized home that the two of us designed. Our family grew up here, becoming the "One for all/All for one family." A motto that Jay and Jeff started using about 4 years ago. This house, our house. I need my kids. I can't face my kids. I need Jeff. I will always need Jeff.

          We are here, I don't remember anything about the drive. They lead us downstairs to this cold, quiet room. This smell will stay with me forever. I see a body on the cold, hard slab of a bed. My mother and sister wrap their arms around me as the mortician removes the sheet. Yes, that is Jeff. Oh my Jeff. NO, NO this is not MY Jeff. He looks so clean and bruised, I can see the bruises under the crisp-white stiff sheet. How will I tell the kids? How can I ever explain this to them? How can I sleep alone in our bed? How can I get up every morning without him? How can I face each day? How can I raise my kids? How can I go on? How....?

          Shelby drives us back home. Back to my now empty house to wait for school to get out for the day. To wait until I have to burden my kids with this same overwhelming sorrow that is engulfing me. I let my mind drift back to the phone conversation that has changed me and my life as I knew it and will go on changing it forever.

          " Mrs. Jacobs, this is Captain Smith.... I'm sorry to have to tell you this. This morning there was a three car accident. Jeff, responded to the call. While Jeff was administering CPR to one of the victims an 18 wheeler, unable to come to a complete stop, hit the cars causing a bigger pile up. The vehicles were pushed. One ran over your husband. I'm sorry, we all tried everything we could to revive Jeff. Mrs. Jacobs, Mrs. Jacobs..."

          "Yes, I'm here." Alone. I remember falling back onto the couch.