chapter thirty-two

19 May, Stanza 2

Closing her door, Susie remained still. In love with her. It had evolved from falling to being there, and she hadn’t answered. Her tongue had been unable to relay what she was thinking, to relay the medley of disbelief, of gratitude … of peace. She supposed gratitude was a funny thought and he would likely be confused at that choice of expressions, but regardless of the future, their relationship … had moved her forward. If a guy like Duncan could think she was interesting enough, intelligent enough, to want to spend so much time with, maybe she’d misinterpreted Evan’s lack of acknowledgement, of interest.

“Is everything okay?” Kate’s voice cut into her reverie. “Was he upset about getting kicked out? I’ll go send him back over…”

“No.” She turned, sighing to switch gears. “He wasn’t upset.” Susie moved back into the room, planting herself in her favorite spot, where she had been sitting with him just a few minutes before. “So, what’d Mike say?” Playing with the tiny ring, the newest on her hand, assisted in keeping her relaxed, ready for the impact of Kate’s urgency.

Her friend watched the movement of her fingers. “Is that new?”

Nodding, she reached out to show off her treasure. “It’s from Duncan.”

“What?” Kate grasped her hand, pulling hard enough Susie had to put a foot down to prevent falling forward. “He bought you a ring? Suse, it looks like real diamonds. Is this….”

“No. I mean, I would guess they are real diamonds, but he didn’t buy it for me.”

Her eyes widened. “He ripped it off?”

“Kate!”

“Well…”

“It’s his mom’s.” She pulled her hand back, studying the design, again. “She gave it to him when he left home.”

“And he gave it to you? Suse, what exactly happened while you were away? Don’t tell me you slept with him already.”

“Kate…”

“Well, a guy doesn’t just go around handing out his mother’s jewelry unless….” She stared into Susie’s eyes. “Is this serious? Are you really serious about this guy?”

Susie dropped her eyes. How could her roommate not know she was?

Kate stood, moving over to sit beside her, grasping her hand to study the ring again. “It’s a promise ring, isn’t it? He’s promised himself to you. Only to you.”

Promise ring. She hadn’t quite thought about it that way, but thinking back on their conversation, the one that continually circled her brain, she nodded.

“You slept with him. Why else would he…”

“No.” She looked up into the disbelieving stare. “No.”

“Seriously.”

Susie didn’t answer. It wasn’t Kate’s business, except she wanted her friend to know that he wasn’t like that. He didn’t give it to her as some kind of thank you. The thought made her sick. She would never have accepted the ring if that’s what it had been.

“So, you’re just serious … just because?”

“Kate, what did Mike say?”

Kate took a long, deep breath, pulling away. “He asked me to marry him.”

Susie studied her face. “And you turned him down?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Kate pivoted back toward her. “Suse, he was happy about it, about the baby. He wants to get married and be a family.” She shrugged. “And part of me wants that, too.”

“So you’re thinking about accepting?”

She paused, playing with her fingernails. “No. I’m trying to find the courage to turn him down.”

“Kate….” Susie paused, trying to hide the irritation she felt every time the conversation arose. It drove her insane. But she tried to choose her words carefully. “Why? You know he loves you and I know you love him. You’ve been inseparable no matter what each of you do. He keeps taking you back however often you wander.” A quick breath forced her to slow down again. “He wants to take responsibility and be a father. Why won’t you let him?”

“Because I’d just end up hurting him more.”

Susie rubbed a hand through her hair, trying to fight off the start of a headache. “You’re not making any sense.”

“Suse, I can’t promise to be faithful to one man the rest of my life. Yes, he’s a great guy and I love being with him. He treats me like a lady, even though I’m not, and he’s wonderful in bed.”

Susie shook her head, looking away. “I really didn’t need to know that.”

“You are so easy to embarrass.”

“He’s a friend of mine.”

“What, like you think Duncan won’t talk to the other guys when you finally do? He may be great, but he’s a guy, you know. So what happens when he tells Evan?”

Fighting the warmth rising in her cheeks, Susie uncrossed her legs and headed to the kitchen. She was impossible. They couldn’t talk about anything without reverting to that. Pulling a glass off the shelf, Kate’s question dwelled. Would he? If they did, would he talk to Evan about it? And the others?

“Hit a sore spot, did I?”

She turned at Kate’s voice, her head aching more with the sarcastic look.

“Are you figuring you still have a chance with Evan if you don’t go all the way with Duncan? Is that why you’re holding out?”

Her stomach knotted. Shaking her head, Susie set the glass on the counter, facing her friend directly. “Kate, I don’t play games like that with guys. Evan … is my friend. It’s not going to be any more than that. I don’t even want that any more.”

“Oh, bullshit. Suse, that doesn’t just go away. After all these years of wanting him? It doesn’t just go away.”

“Maybe I just realized I was wrong. And you’re changing the subject. Wanting Mike isn’t going to go away. Isn’t that what you mean? No matter how hard you pull away from him, you won’t stop wanting what he’s offering. And I don’t understand how, if he’s everything you want, you can’t be faithful. You’re always so much happier with him than with anyone else.”

“Yeah, well, my parents used to be happy together, too. Look at my father now.”

Susie sighed, moving closer to her friend. “That’s an excuse, Kate. Look at Evan. Are you going to tell me you think he can’t be faithful to one person because his father’s one of the biggest jerks around? That’s ridiculous.”

“I know, but Evan’s perfect, right? He takes after his mom. So do I.”

“Only because you choose to. And you know I don’t think his mom is perfect.”

“No. But you think Evan is. I can’t compare to that.”

Fatigue, combined with Kate’s jumping around to different subjects, pushed the discomfort in her head to a full-blown headache. Don’t let her keep you up too late. Duncan’s words echoed in her brain, and he was right. She needed sleep. Returning the unused glass to the shelf, Susie walked around her friend. “Good night, Kate.”




Lying in bed, irritation at her roommate continued to ramble around her thoughts. Why would she choose to do that to herself? How did she possibly think Mike would be more hurt by her trying than by her refusal? She didn’t see it. Her father. Yes, Doc had remained single since Kate’s mom left them both, but he wasn’t unhappy. At least he had those years while his daughter was growing up in the same house with him. Mike wouldn’t even get that. And Susie couldn’t begin to imagine Kate doing it without him. He stabilized her. And he deserved to help raise his child.

His child. Susie opened her eyes, staring into the near-darkness. Maybe that was it. She’d never said for sure that it was Mike’s child. Maybe that’s what she couldn’t admit to him, to hurt him more. Sighing, she turned to her other side, trying to dismiss the thought. It didn’t work. It made more sense than anything Kate had said. It wasn’t his. And she couldn’t tell him.

Adjusting her blankets as an attempt to adjust her thoughts, Susie forced her mind to anything else. Evan had known her since she was born. Something about it didn’t seem right. Why would she have felt like such a stranger in their house? Why wouldn’t she have been comfortable around Evan and Jeremy? She’d remembered Diane, always. But Evan’s mom had always visited at her parents’ house. Susie couldn’t place ever being at Diane’s before that day. Where was the connection? What about her life had just become such a gaping hole?

She’d have to ask. She and Diane would be home by themselves in the morning, before she had to go in to work in the afternoon. It would be a perfect time to ask.

Yawning, she flipped to her other side again and played with the tiny ring until she relaxed enough to feel slumber approaching.