chapter thirty-three

20 May

Knocking on Duncan’s door, Susie shivered. The hallway was cold this morning, damp from the rain. She hoped her guys hadn’t left early, though she didn’t have a real reason for bothering them, anyway. Since she was awake, she just decided to tell him good morning. It was a long time until six or so when she and Duncan would both be home again.

The opening door left her staring at Mike. His gaze wasn’t welcoming when she asked for her boyfriend. They’d gone ten minutes ago. Maybe she would stop in at the gym before going to the studio.

“So….” Mike’s voice stopped her retreat. “You knew. About the baby.”

Tensing, preparing for what he might ask, Susie faced him, nodding.

“For how long?”

She stayed silent, studying him. He was propped in the doorway, leaning against the frame, his hair damp and combed back carefully, shoulders rigid, white T-shirt looser than Duncan’s, tighter than Evan’s. She could imagine him in a magazine ad showing off whatever brand he was wearing.

He sighed, pushing a hand back through his bangs, somehow without mussing them. “Should I not have asked her? She told you, right? That I proposed?”

With the sudden change of attitude, Mike shifted position, shoulders less rigid, expression less sure. Susie felt for him, wishing she could tell him everything she knew, that maybe Evan was right and he should move on, find someone easier on him. That maybe he shouldn’t want to marry her. Something inside prevented it. “Yeah, she told me.” The remaining loyalty she had for her roommate kept her from admitting she thought Kate was an idiot for not accepting. “What else could you do but ask? It’s who you are.”

He frowned. “But not who she wants.”

“Mike….” Her heart ached. There was so much she should have said, and nothing that would make any difference. He had no idea how much it mattered to her, how much it tore her apart to be on both of their sides and not be able to do anything that made any difference. Kate wouldn’t listen. Mike wouldn’t feel better with her words. There was nothing she could do. Except stay out of it, as Evan had suggested more than once. She shook her head. “I can’t….”

“I know, you can’t get in the middle.”

“I am in the middle. I just can’t fix anything.”

“Hell, Suse, no one’s asking you to.”

“Really?” She cast her gaze on his, lifting her chin. “Funny, it doesn’t seem that way to me.”

He stared. Of course he had no idea what she went through with Kate, how she’d offered her help that would demand more than she really had to offer, more time and energy than she could imagine being able to devote to a baby while still working on what she wanted to accomplish. It sapped her strength just thinking about it. But she couldn’t tell Mike.

“Well, I’m sorry for bothering you.” He straightened, putting a hand on the door. “I have to get ready for work.”

Turning, she went back to her own door, hearing his close behind her. Sorry for bothering you. He could be such a jerk at times.

The aroma of strong coffee welcomed her. It was nice having someone else in the apartment who would actually jump in and do the little things like start the morning coffee. She hadn’t had that since she moved out of Diane’s home. Susie found her at the table, reading a local newspaper, and scrunched her face, wondering where it came from. She’d never subscribed to the paper.

“Coffee’s nearly ready.” Diane noted her puzzled expression. “Evan brought it over this morning. He said you wouldn’t have one.”

“Oh. No, I can’t stand reading it.” She sat across from Diane. “He was here this morning?”

“Just for a minute. And Duncan, too, but he said not to wake you.”

He’d been there. She should have gotten up instead of lying in bed thinking about her roommate. But she’d been tired, and even though not sleeping, lying there allowing her body to rest had been nearly as good. She hoped they weren’t too tired to get through a whole work day after two weeks of being on the road. Susie wished she didn’t have to go back today herself, even for half a day. She was enjoying just being home.

It would be nice to talk to Janet about the tour, though. Janet. Why hadn’t she come over the night before? She knew they would be back. Susie couldn’t imagine staying away if it was her, if she hadn’t gone with them and had to be away from her boyfriend for two weeks. She couldn’t imagine. Evan hadn’t even mentioned it. Susie supposed they would at least meet for lunch. Alone, most likely. Which would leave Duncan on his own for that hour. Maybe she would leave early and meet him.

“Are you off today, dear?”

Diane’s voice brought her back. “No. I have to work at … one, but….”

“Then we might want to call John. He invited us to lunch, but we’ll have to see if he can make it earlier.” She stood to pour coffee for both of them.

“I thought he was coming tonight?”

“Yes, but as I said, he wants to catch up.” She brought the cup over, along with the sugar and creamer. “Would you like some eggs and bacon? I’ve been waiting on the coffee to whet our appetites, but let me make you some real breakfast.”

“No, thank you. If it won’t be rude, I want to go work out a bit and stretch my muscles again.”

“Of course it’s not rude. I’m not here to interfere. But you should eat first and give yourself some energy.”

“I don’t really eat in the morning. It bothers me.” Her refusal didn’t go over well, and she agreed to toast with a touch of the jam Diane had brought from her cellar, homemade.

The idea from the night before of asking Evan’s mom about how he knew her so young fizzled into laziness. She didn’t have the energy. And she was irritated at the interruption of her plans to go meet her boyfriend for lunch.

**

Janet threw her arms around her, hugging too tight for Susie’s comfort. “So how’d it go? We missed you around here!”

She hadn’t seen Evan yet, Susie found through their discussion. She hadn’t even talked to him, since she’d had to work through lunch. Strange. Maybe they weren’t so close. The girl hanging all over Evan on tour hadn’t been pushed away. Maybe there was a reason for that.

Blocking the thought out of her consciousness, Susie grudgingly set out for her first class of the day. There wasn’t much time to talk to her manager; she’d barely arrived on time from her lunch “date” that had awkwardly avoided any mention of her boyfriend. There was no way to find time to run over and see him before work.

And the afternoon dragged. The substitutes for her classes hadn’t done much with her routines for the show. Her students mentioned doing exercises and positions, but little with the dances they needed to know. She stayed late working with students on a couple of the solo routines that hadn’t received any attention.

Finally releasing the last student, she began packing her cassettes and changed her mind. She hadn’t touched hers in the last couple of weeks, either, other than just a bit in the morning. Janet had said she would be staying late tonight, so Susie had time to run over her ballet solo before the studio closed. And the guys would have left the gym for home already.

Pushing the cassette into her player, she moved into the middle of the room. It would start with the stage dark, lights gradually rising with the movement of the music. She stumbled at the beginning, growled silently at herself and restarted the song. She felt it coming back again, the naturalness of following the rehearsed routine. And then she missed a step, completely forgetting what came next. She’d just done it, this morning. What was wrong with her brain? Stopping the tape again and rewinding, she started over. Again, she fell out of a position. Irritated beyond the ability to just let it go, she sat, in the middle of the floor with her legs crossed, and lowered her body until her arms crossed in front of her, resting on the floor, head lying on top. She’d been away from it too long.

Motionless, concentrating on the music, the words, she let her mind lead her into the musical. Too appropriate, she thought. She’d chosen “Somewhere” for her ballet solo long before meeting Duncan, but it was too appropriate. They didn’t fit, as far as her dad was concerned, and she imagined his family would feel the same. Maybe it was bothering her too much, getting in the way of her concentration. But she didn’t have the time to change the song. She had to get through it.

A presence made her jump, turning at the light sound of footsteps.

Duncan continued to get closer, squatting in front of where she sat.

Her heart beat slowed. “I figured you’d be home by now.”

“I ‘ave been waitin’ for you.” He took her hands.

“You’ve been here a while?”

He nodded. “Y’ are too tired.”

“No.” She looked away. He’d seen her consistently mess up her routine. “Just … out of practice … distracted.”

Fingers slid along her face, asking her to come back to him. She met his eyes, accepted his lips, moved into him close enough that he had to lower further to the floor to avoid being knocked over. Head against his shoulder, Susie allowed her free hand to rest against his chest, grateful he was there, that she wouldn’t have to go home alone. “I’ve missed you today. I went over this morning but you’d gone already and Dad insisted on doing lunch so I barely got here on time…”

“I wanted t’ wake y’ this mornin’.”

She raised her head, found his gaze. “It would’ve been okay.”

He ran fingers through her hair, the few strands that had fallen from her bun. “Do your routine again. Before we g’ home.”

Again? After she’d messed it up three times in a row? When she couldn’t remember the steps? “I don’t … I think I need to look through my notes again.”

“No y’ do no’. Jus’ do it.” He stood, taking her hands to help her rise. Then he went to the cassette player, stopping the tape and rewinding.

She waited … debating. She was tired. And worse, she was irritated with herself. Trying again tonight was the last thing she wanted. But he turned it on, standing there watching.

Not even half way through, she stepped out of a pirouette, and stopped. “I had this down. I don’t know….” She didn’t bother to finish the sentence.

Without stopping the music, Duncan moved up to her, taking her in his arms, dancing, as a regular slow dance. It was difficult dancing flat in her toe shoes, which kept getting in the way of his feet. So she rose up to pointe, enjoying being face level with the additional height, still shorter, but less so. And he sang to her, watching her eyes. “There’s a place for us….” He knew the song well. He understood the background of it. And he was singing it to her.

As it ended, he released her, moving away, back to the source of the music, and restarted it. Again, just standing there watching.

There were no flaws. Susie got through it without missing or messing up a step, without forgetting any part of the routine. And he again came to her.

“I can no’ wait t’ see it in front of an audience.”

“Duncan, let’s go home.”

His eyes lowered at the word home, just for a moment. He packed her things as she changed shoes and pulled jeans over her tights.



Her dad was there by the time he walked her into the apartment. So was Janet, with Evan, and Kate, appearing to be with Mike. Her manager had left Duncan the keys to lock the studio when they left. If Susie had known, she wouldn’t have been in a hurry to get out, to get home and face the stares.

“You didn’t work those poor girls this long, did you?” Janet grinned.

Susie hung her bag on the coat rack. “No. I had to work on my routine. It was more neglected than anyone else’s and I haven’t even touched Something’s Coming yet.

“Like you have anything to worry about.” Janet’s tone teased her. She was sitting beside Evan, but not too close.

“Sweetheart, you just got home yesterday.” Her dad’s tone wasn’t teasing. “Resting first would be more helpful to your dancing, and to your body.”

Susie ignored his glance at Duncan, saying she needed to go shower and apologizing for being rude enough to take the time. Her boyfriend’s look hinted that the apology wasn’t necessary. He also excused himself to go across the hall to clean up.

The warm shower held her too long and she didn’t bother doing more with her hair than just combing it out to prevent tangles. The coolness of the day had drifted into her room and she started pulling out Evan’s old sweatshirt from a drawer, then changed her mind. It wasn’t the right time. She needed to do laundry, with all of the clothes she took on tour waiting to be washed, but since her little washer and dryer set were in a corner of her kitchen, she decided it would have to wait until she didn’t have company. She only used the building’s downstairs laundry area for her comforter, since it wouldn’t fit in her compact set. It was too irritating trying to find a time when there wasn’t laundry sitting in one of the machines, waiting to be removed.

Pulling a tank top over her head, she layered it with a zippered sweatshirt. Too casual for company, she supposed, with her sweat pants, but they weren’t really company, other than Janet, and she hadn’t invited anyone but her boyfriend.



She had to give her dad credit. He was actually being polite to Duncan. The conversation revolved around the tour, repeating things to Janet, and Susie mainly stayed quiet and listened. Kate asked about the girls swarming and Mike didn’t bother to make it sound like less than it was, though he didn’t mention any specific personal events with any of them. Susie wasn’t sure if he was trying to irritate his girlfriend or make her jealous. But at least they were talking, so far.

Janet told them she’d bought the LP when it came out and asked if it would be okay to have them all sign it for her.

“You didn’t have to buy it.” Evan looked embarrassed, a rarity. “I would have given you one.”

“No, I wanted to. And I’ve been telling everyone about it. So have my parents, although they only really listen to classical. Jared loves it, though. I have to hide it so he won’t mess with it.” She looked over at Susie. “You did make them sign one for you, right? I mean, I know they live right here, but…”

“Yes, I have one.” She refrained from saying the guys had given her the original, the first printed copy. With Evan’s mom and girlfriend in the room, she didn’t think it was necessary information. Kate knew and agreed that she darn well should have it, with all the time and energy she spent supporting them. Susie wasn’t sure she should, but it did keep them from arguing over which of the guys got it.

She kept pulling her eyes away from Kate and Mike. So did everyone else in the room. The couple had lost all track of the conversation and were totally wrapped up in each other. Susie was just as glad when they headed next door, both because it was embarrassing to watch, and because it gave her the chance to invite everyone to a small party she was throwing Wednesday for Kate’s birthday. Her dad said he would be there and get Doc to come, but he and Diane would have to leave early to head back to Glenn Heights. He always travelled at night when possible.

With the lull following plans having been made, Janet said she needed to get home to say good night to her son before he was asleep. Evan and Diane both walked her to the door, Diane stopping there and making it clear she looked forward to seeing her Wednesday, and Evan proceeding to the car. Susie’s dad agreed that it was time to “get out of the ladies’ way,” throwing the hint that Duncan should leave, as well.

Standing in the middle of her living room, her dad and substitute mom facing her and her boyfriend as though saying they were evenly matched, Susie wrapped her fingers around Duncan’s arm, pulling herself closer against his skin. He wasn’t leaving that way. Not until they had time alone first. Her dad remained, talking mainly to Diane but watching them, until a knock interrupted.

He opened it to Evan. “I thought you had left for the night. I was about to do the same.”

“Yeah, there’s just….” He looked over, a question in his gaze. “Something I wanted to talk to Susie about first.”

She felt Duncan’s glance and her dad’s hesitation, waiting for the question. It was something serious, or potentially serious. Evan’s demeanor said he wasn’t leaving until he got the answer he wanted. And her dad got the hint that it wasn’t a public discussion.

Giving him a good night hug, Susie felt a passing regret. They had always been so close in so many ways, but there was still distance. He held her longer than usual, as though he had a problem leaving this time. He’d always called Diane to check in, every day. No, she hadn’t remembered. There were obviously too many things she hadn’t remembered, too much she didn’t know about her dad. And things she didn’t feel she could tell him about herself. She regretted that, too. And she truly wanted him to want to know Duncan.

The brief farewell her dad gave him said he had no interest. She would have to find a way to change that. It was too important.

Moving away from the door and back into the room, Diane and Duncan both offered to leave so she could talk to her friend in private. Evan shook his head. “No, you don’t need to go. It has to do with the conversation last night. I’ve been thinking about it since then.” He stared into her eyes. “You didn’t know us at all when you came to stay with us, did you?”

Susie tilted her head. Why was he asking? “I knew your mom.”

He frowned. “But not me, or Jeremy?”

“No.”

He looked over at his mom, questioning.

Diane grasped her hand. “But, honey, you were at the house all the time before then. Not in the last year or so before losing your mom, but until you were … four or five. And we talked about the boys when I visited.”

Four or five. Two to three years before. Why had Susie stopped going to their house? They talked about the boys. “Yes, you and Mom talked about the boys. I remember that. I just….” She shrugged. She didn’t even remember mention of their names. Just “the boys.”

“You didn’t remember us at all.” Evan again turned to his mom. “You said she would. So did John.”

“Honey, you must have remembered, maybe not right at first, but … soon after you came.” Diane avoided her son’s stare, waiting for an agreement.

Susie couldn’t agree. She didn’t remember, ever. She hadn’t known who they were or why they had acted like she should, like she should just go off and play with them because they asked. Like it was okay that Diane took off and left her alone with them during the day when she was already so lost.

Evan moved forward, stopping just in front of her. “You didn’t have any idea who we were. When Mom left for work and you hid … you weren’t just in mourning, were you?”

She looked away, trying not to remember. They had called for her, asked her to come out of hiding, and searched until they found her on the far side of Diane’s bed, in the corner of her room, sitting with her knees pulled to her chest and arms wrapped around. Jeremy had teased until Evan sent him away, sitting at a distance talking to her, trying to get her to go downstairs with them. It was one memory she had never been able to block out.

“Suse?”

She looked up again, answering what she knew he was asking. “I was scared to death. Mom was teaching me at home. I hadn’t been around other kids, except the girls at dance class, and … you were so much bigger and Jeremy….”

Evan closed his eyes, his jaw tightening. She shouldn’t have told him. She should have made up something. “Evan, it’s no big deal.” He touched her eyes again, not believing her words. “I got a best friend out of it. It turned out okay.”

His mom jumped in, agreeing that she’d been fine, that the interaction was good for her, that the only thing she had disagreed with Angela about was that she’d kept Susie away from public school, that she’d tried to convince John to argue with her about it. He’d refused. But after losing Angela, he hadn’t had a choice. Diane didn’t have the patience to teach, or the interest. And he had to work and travel.

“Why did I stop going to your house?” She interrupted Diane, asking Evan directly. She had to know. “Why didn’t you ever come over?”

His expression told her he didn’t want to answer. But he’d brought up the conversation. A glance at his mom accompanied the rise and fall of his chest. “Come sit down.”

“Evan….” Diane tried to interfere.

“Mom, I don’t want this between us. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but I do.”

“That’s fine, honey, but maybe another time would be better. She has company now.”

**

Evan glanced at his buddy, shaking his head. “He’s not company.” And it would be easier on Susie for Duncan to be there, to stay with her after he and his mom left her alone with her thoughts for the night, to give her someone not involved to talk to about it, if she needed. Her expression was appreciative. She wanted him to approve of their dating. Evan knew that by what she’d revealed to him last night, by the fact that she’d made sure he knew Duncan was being good to her, being a gentleman. It mattered to her what he thought about their relationship. It never had before, with anyone else.

He took his usual spot on her couch, across from her. She was closer to Duncan than she had been while her dad was there. And she was looking at Evan with trusting eyes. After he and his family had scared the hell out of her when she was so little. He should have realized. It killed him to know they’d made things harder on her at such a horrible time. His mom and her dad should have made sure she was okay with the arrangement before just dumping her into it.

“So?” She grasped her boyfriend’s hand, waiting.

So. Now what? How did he start this?

“Was I such a terror you didn’t want me to come over?” She grinned.

His mom jumped in. “Oh, honey, of course not. The boys fussed at me all the time about having you come. Well, Jeremy did mainly. Evan was never much of a fusser and you were more Jeremy’s playmate.”

Evan watched her face while his mom talked about how well the two younger ones played together, and how she’d started learning sign language very young. She didn’t remember that, either, though she’d picked it up again quickly.

She yawned, trying to cover it, then set her eyes on him. She wanted to know and was tired of the stalling, about ready for bed.

“Your mom stopped bringing you over because too many people were making comments.”

“About what?”

“Racial comments.” It hurt him to say it, but it didn’t even phase her. She just nodded.

His mom shifted on her chair. “Don’t misunderstand, honey. I didn’t care about that. Neither did your mom.”

Susie waited for more explanation.

“But Evan’s father did. He started making a fuss. And I argued with him, but he wouldn’t budge. He didn’t care if your mom came over, but….”

“But not with me.” She pushed closer to Duncan.

“Or with your dad. And I would have ignored him. He was away most of the time, anyway – at work, or at the bar, or wherever.” His mom dropped her eyes at the last word. She knew where “wherever” had been. With his girlfriend she wasn’t supposed to know about. Evan had known, too. They just didn’t talk about it. “But he threatened to take Evan and leave – to somewhere I couldn’t find him.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t risk that. I lived in fear every day that he would. That I would wake up and….”

“What about Jeremy?” Susie spoke with a hushed tone. She was shaken.

His mom’s attitude flared, anger rising at the memories. “He didn’t want Jeremy. He said he was flawed, and that it was my fault. He was mad that I wouldn’t give him up for adoption and try again for a normal child. I told him I would die before giving my child away.” She forced calm again. “Anyway, I told your mom about his threat, and she said she wouldn’t come any more, that it wasn’t worth the risk.”

“But you came over, to our house.”

“Only after your mom got pregnant again. She was having trouble and needed help. John had to work. So I left Jeremy with a neighbor while Evan was in school and hoped he wouldn’t find out. Your mom tried to argue because she was worried about Evan, but she couldn’t stay alone with you.”

Evan saw the question in Susie’s eyes. “I had instructions not to leave sight of the teachers until she came. They knew I could only leave with Mom or John.”

“You knew?”

He nodded.

“You weren’t mad at us for doing that to you?”

“Of course not. It wasn’t your fault, it was his.”

She looked at his mom. “That’s why you left him?”

Diane shook her head. “I didn’t. I was afraid to try.”

“But Dad would have helped you.”

“Yes, but I didn’t want to have to admit to him what was going on. It was humiliating and I didn’t want to insult him. But after Jake found out, I didn’t have a choice.”

Susie was quiet while learning about how her husband filed for divorce insisting on custody of Evan and his plan to leave town with him. His mom was sure he would have won, since the local judge was a drinking buddy of Jake’s. So they’d told John. With Angela’s approval, John and Diane warned that they would tell everyone Evan wasn’t Jake’s son, that he was John’s, and that they could win a paternity test if Jake insisted on one. It wasn’t true, but they had been convincing enough to make Evan’s father believe that maybe it was true. He had dropped the issue and moved out, leaving town with his girlfriend. His mom had won a divorce for abandonment.

Evan watched his friend study the floor during the silence, wishing he could get into her brain and pull out her thoughts. Would she tell him? “Suse?”

She looked up. “You lost your dad because of me, because of my family.”

“No. Because he made us choose.”

“Evan…”

“And I haven’t regretted it for a minute.” Now, studying her expression, he wondered if he would regret letting her know the truth. He hadn’t thought about her feeling guilty, only about her knowing that his dad had been another one, another ignorant racist. He should have known. She took too many things too personally, as if she were supposed to keep things from happening, like things that were out of her control were somehow her fault. Evan didn’t have any idea why she felt that way. He also didn’t know how to change it.

**

Duncan released her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Why his buddy thought she needed to be told the part of her history she’d chosen to forget, he wasn’t sure. She would’ve asked him if she’d wanted to remember, but likely not in front of his mom. Duncan had felt some kind of wall between the two women but hadn’t been sure what it was. This had to be a bigger issue for Diane than she was letting on. Even if she had made the decision, it still came down to losing her husband because of this child, and Susie knew it had. She wasn’t likely to let herself forget it again.

She yawned again and he dropped his head closer to hers. “Y’ need t’ ge’ some sleep. We should go.”

Her nod made him pull away. She rose with him, barely spoke to Evan when he said they could talk more later, and avoided Diane’s gaze while they all walked to the door. Giving her a light kiss aside her head, he told her good night. She grasped his hand, asking him to stay with only her eyes.

The door was open, Ev waiting and Diane watching. It didn’t matter. She didn’t want him to leave, not yet. He looked over at his buddy. “Y’ wanna leave it unlocked? I dinna bring my keys.”

The others took the hint and cleared out of the room. They remained, standing beside the door, Susie clenching his fingers.

“Wha’ are y’ thinkin’?”

“It was because of me.”

He touched her chin, bringing her eyes to his. “No, it was no’. If she did no’ want t’ lose him, she would no’ have made that choice.”

“But…”

“Babe, I know y’ are more important t’ Ev and i’ would have mattered more to lose you than i’ did t’ lose his father. He ‘as told me as much. Before I even knew who y’ were.”

Her face showed confusion. “I thought he hadn’t talked much about me. It didn’t sound like he had.”

Duncan sighed. “I think he did more than I listened well enough. I was….” He lowered his hand, shaking his head. “A’ the time, I was no’ a very good friend t’ him. I was tryin’ no’ t’ be. I did no’ … I did no’ want attachments. I don’t know why he pu’ up with me durin’ that time. I think he mostly stopped talkin’ abou’ you because I was no’ listening enough.”

She moved in closer, raising a hand to his chest and sliding it up around his neck. “I’m glad he didn’t give up.”

He lowered his head to meet her lips, focusing on her fingers moving up from his neck into his hair, the other hand pressing into his back. He loved the way she didn’t hesitate, didn’t hold back. And he had to leave. It was late. He had missed her too much during the day.

Gently, he broke the kiss and touched her eyes. “Can I see y’ in the morning?”

“Yes. I’ll have the kids by six. Come over.”

With another soft touch of her lips, he forced himself to leave, waiting to hear the sound of her deadbolt. By six. He’d have a couple of hours with her before work.