chapter thirty-five

24 May

Handing Duncan her keys, Susie brushed against him when he opened her car door. The warm breeze soothed her nerves and when he closed her door, she opened the window, then leaned back into the seat. She loved dusk in the late spring. The smells of nature stretching its roots were more alive then, when it was quieter, and darker, but not dark. One week. Her show was one week away. She didn’t feel ready, as she usually did.

He didn’t interrupt her thoughts while pulling out of the parking lot and heading home. Dusk was barely hanging on. She’d worked later than she should have, than was fair to hold him. He didn’t mind, or said he didn’t, but he wouldn’t have much time before having to leave for the night’s show. Mike would add it to his reasons to be ticked at her, though it honestly didn’t affect him.

Susie sighed, looking forward to the night at the club to escape from the commotion of the week. She didn’t even care if Kate would go or not. Janet would be there for a while, taking a cousin and his wife with her since they were in town for the weekend. The rest of the time, Susie would be quite content just sitting alone and watching her band. It wouldn’t even bother her to have to refuse anyone who might ask her to dance. Saying ‘no’ for a change seemed like a nice idea at the moment.

Still leaving her with her thoughts when they arrived at the apartment, Duncan ran fingers along her back now and then on their way inside and up the stairs, just letting her know he was there, she supposed. And she told herself she should say something – break the silence. But their silences didn’t bother her. They never had.

He opened her door and returned her keys. “Are y’ too tired t’ go tonight?”

Stay home and miss his show? She didn’t think so. “No.”

The blue eyes studied her, pensive. “I ‘m glad y’ are no’.” His fingers touched her hair. “I will be back in jus’ a bit. We can eat on the way.”

“Oh. But I’ve already kept you too long. You won’t have time to relax…”

“No, y’ have not. It will ‘ave t’ be something quick, bu’ we can go on and meet them a’ the club, if we can g’ in your car.”

“Of course, but…”

He moved in, his lips stopping her protest. Then he moved back to let her go in to get ready.

Banging noises drew her into her roommate’s open door. Susie stared at the suitcase on the bed, waiting until Kate saw her in between pulling things from her drawers.

“Where are you going?”

Kate threw a few things on the bed and turned again. “Rhode Island.”

Rhode Island? What…. Susie’s stomach churned. She wouldn’t…. “Kate?”

“I’m going to go stay with my mother for a while. I figure she should know about this kid, right? Not that she’ll care, but she should know. And I need to get away from Mike.”

“You’re not serious?”

She finally looked up, determination blanketing her face. “Why not?”

“Have you called her? Did she say it was okay?”

“You know I don’t have her number. But I have an address … if it’s still good. I just figured I’d stop by and see. You know, get acquainted again. See what’s she’s doing.” Kate sifted through things beside the suitcase, deciding what to put in and what to leave behind.

Susie watched. Was it worth the argument? It wouldn’t do any good. But her mother? Sighing, she moved in closer. “And if you don’t find her? If….” She didn’t want to say what she was thinking; that Kate’s mother may not welcome her into her home.

Hesitating, Kate looked up. “It’s been a long time, Suse. I’m not a kid any more. It’s not the same.”

“She hasn’t contacted you at all.”

“Well….” Kate shrugged. “I guess I’ll be the adult now and make the first move. I suppose I should practice at that, right? Maybe she just doesn’t think I’d be interested.”

“I didn’t know you still were.”

“There’s plenty you don’t know about me.” She returned to the other side of the room, pushing through clothes in her closet. “Damn. Nothing fits right any more. This is depressing.”

“That’s why they make maternity clothes.”

“No way in hell. I’ll wear a damn toga first.” She yanked something from the hanger and threw it into the suitcase.

“Do you have money? Enough for an emergency – hotel and food, and…”

“I have some.”

Some. Meaning not enough for an emergency, or if her mom wouldn’t take her in. Leaving the room, Susie went into her own, digging into her dresser to find her own emergency funds. She hadn’t touched it in quite a while. There wasn’t a lot, but enough for a month’s rent and a bit of food, just in case. Or a last-minute gift that was too important not to be able to give. She hated removing it. But she always had a safety net. Evan wouldn’t let her starve or get kicked out of her apartment, if it came to that. Kate wouldn’t have one once she left town. Susie didn’t at all believe her mother would care about helping her in any way.

Returning to her roommate, she handed the money to her, not listening when Kate tried to argue. She would go anyway, whether Susie helped give her some security or not. And Susie would be worried to death. She would be, anyway, but at least Kate could get a hotel and food. That would help her nerves somewhat.

A knock on the door startled her. Duncan, and she hadn’t gotten ready yet. Kate stopped her to ask her to please not tell anyone anything tonight – that she would tell Mike in the morning before she left. Agreeing, she went to let him in.

He perused her outfit; the dance clothes she was still wearing. “Are we goin’ casual tonight?”

“I’m sorry. No, I just….” How did she explain this while keeping her mouth shut about Kate?

“I did no’ give y’ enough time.”

“Yes. But…”

“Going out?” Kate’s voice interrupted.

“They have a show tonight. I should’ve been ready.”

“Oh, I forgot.” Kate sidled up to Duncan, sliding a hand around his back. “My fault. I was chatting with her. I’ll keep you company while you’re waiting … as punishment.” She winked.



Janet and her relatives stayed longer than Susie had expected. In a way, she wished they would just leave. Their constant talking, although claiming to really like the music, was an irritation the whole time. And they talked about other relatives, in-laws especially, and how none of them fit into the family. Susie had tried to tune it out as much as possible, but she became increasingly annoyed, wondering how they talked about those any of them were just dating if they were so critical of those they married. What would they say about Evan when they were out of her ear shot? Janet had introduced her as Evan’s long-time friend. They wouldn’t say anything around her. But what was there to say? She couldn’t imagine them finding anything to pick at about him.

Following Janet’s gaze to watching Evan, Susie allowed him to calm her. She briefly remembered that she was supposed to be upset with him, but that never lasted long. He’d just been staying out of it when Mike was expressing frustration. That’s what he did, whenever he could. She knew if there had been any actual threat, Evan would have jumped in. It just hadn’t been necessary. Mike would never really bother her. And it hadn’t really been directed at her. She was just safer than Kate. Susie knew it was one reason Evan wasn’t fond of her roommate. He didn’t like what Susie ended up dealing with because of Kate’s childishness. There was more; something stemming from when they were in high school together. But it was one thing about Evan she could never get out of him.

She forced herself to start being more pleasant again to Janet’s cousins. Her irritation wasn’t all caused by them, anyway. It was mainly Kate. And she wasn’t supposed to talk about it. She was just as glad, though, when they decided to leave to get back to their kids.

Finally alone to listen to her guys and study the people around her, Susie thought about how the club was more crowded tonight than usual. She expected it was a result of the club’s big white sign announcing Raucous as Blue River’s fronting band. Faces she had never seen pushed toward the stage, paying more attention to them individually than was normal; faces that were younger than the normal crowd. And there was a heavier concentration of girls. The whole thing made her uneasy and she fussed at herself for feeling that way.

This was a good thing. They needed the publicity if they were going to get any further. But she didn’t want them to change who and what they were. Would it be possible not to change? To retain their amateur charm if they got caught up in the industry? Would it be worth it if they didn’t? It would be like losing them, and she couldn’t begin to imagine getting by without them any more.

She could feel Duncan watching her throughout the evening, from the stage, beside her at the table during breaks, and still, when they had broken from the rest to go home together.

He started the engine, then turned his head, gazing silently for a moment before speaking. “Wha’ ‘as been botherin’ you all day?”

Cars moved all around them; stragglers who had stayed until getting kicked out of the club, employees finishing their shifts, the rest of the band. Doug’s van pulled away. The headlights shot through the blackness, some catching their window. She moved her eyes to his. “I’m not going to be ready for the show next week.”

His head tilted. “D’ y’ ever feel ready?”

“Well, not completely, but … more than I do this time. I don’t know, I’m just … distracted. I can’t keep my head in it.”

“Am I botherin’ y’ too often?”

Her mouth dropped. Was he kidding? She closed her jaw, turning her body to get closer. “No.”

“Babe, if I am, jus’ say so.”

She shook her head. “Duncan….” How did she explain how much she wanted his presence? That no matter how often she was with him, it was never enough?

She grasped his arm, enjoying its warmth in the cool evening. “Most of the time recently, you’re the only one I want anything to do with. Everyone else….” A deep breath overtook her body. She felt herself calming just being alone with him, telling him things she couldn’t admit to others. “Being around people just makes me tired. Evan didn’t use to, but recently….” She shrugged. “You’re the only one who doesn’t.”

**

Duncan had to force himself to begin breathing again. He couldn’t begin to remember ever being … what to call it, he wasn’t sure. He also wasn’t sure he deserved it.

All week, he’d been trying to figure out how to ask if she would go away with him for the weekend, not just part of a day. Maybe see where this might actually be going, if any further. From what the other guys had said about her relationship with Nathan, it shouldn’t be that out of the question. They never said it went that far, but after dating for eight months, and Susie being affected by his leaving the way she had been, Duncan expected they had.

It grated him, though he knew he had no right being irritated at the thought of her with someone else when he had absolutely no room to feel that way, but he was, never-the-less. He also couldn’t remember ever feeling quite so possessive about any girl he’d dated. That had to get under control. He had no right.

Touching her face, his resolve to ask her in a non-suggestive way got lost. “G’ away with me this weekend.” Her reaction told him he’d been careless. The week’s worth of planning shot to hell, he’d scared her, after the compliment she’d just given him. “The shows at the ocean started tonight – the one we’ll be playin’ at the end of the summer. I thought we could go check i’ out, catch some o’ the other bands. It’s a ways away. We could get a couple o’ rooms so it’s no’ so late drivin’.” She was starting to relax again. “Or we could leave early an’ just come back. Whatever you want.”

“I would love to go. Thank you.”

He couldn’t remember, either, ever being so concerned about a girl’s reaction. As he’d told her long ago, it had never really mattered before if he was turned down. But she hadn’t turned him down. Not exactly. She also hadn’t accepted until he made it clear there were no expectations. She wasn’t ready. And he shouldn’t have expected she might be since it had only been a week since they discussed it, since she said they should get to know each other better first. Duncan couldn’t figure what exactly she still wanted to know. But he wouldn’t push.

Dropping her off just inside her door, his nerves lightened when she agreed to find a hotel and stay until Sunday. And when he kissed her, she ran a hand down his shoulder and onto his chest. The way she touched him, constantly since their talk during the tour, made it hard for him to believe she wasn’t interested. It made it hard for him not to push.

***

Susie grinned upon closing her door. The weekend – well, most of it – with just the two of them. Pulling off her jacket and dropping it onto the coat rack, she knew she had to go tell Kate, regardless of what stupid comment her friend might make. There was no one else to tell.

She wasn’t home, but the suitcase was still there, on her bed and open. Susie guessed she was over visiting Mike. Apparently, she didn’t plan to leave too early in the morning.

With a sigh, she went into her own room and changed into her pajamas. What would she take to wear at the hotel? They would be in separate rooms, so she supposed it shouldn’t matter, but somehow, it did. Pulling a bag from her closet that usually toted her dance clothes, Susie decided on her navy tank top with pajama bottoms for overnight. It was somewhat concealing without being too uptight, just in case. In case of what, she didn’t know, even while picking out a second outfit to wear on Sunday. He’d specifically mentioned separate rooms. She grinned again about how much space he was giving her, how he wasn’t asking too much. She didn’t imagine the thought had never crossed his mind since their brief discussion about why he’d pulled away during the tour. Actually, she would be rather insulted if it didn’t. But she would be so much more insulted if he ever assumed more than he should, if he expected too much, or if he kept pulling away. He hadn’t. Maybe. Maybe it could work.