chapter thirty-six

25 May

Checking the clock, Susie closed her eyes, again trying to force sleep. She’d been awake too long the night before, anxious about the trip, ready for it to begin. But she wasn’t tired. Giving up, she went in to shower. At least her hair would have plenty of time to dry before she put it into a tight French braid. She didn’t want it loose and in her way during the day and evening outdoors.

Slipping into her sweats, she went to see if Kate had returned. The suitcase was still sitting on her bed. Susie frowned. Duncan was coming over at ten. She wanted to talk to her roommate before then, ask if she would think about waiting until a weekend she could go with Kate to see her mom. She was fairly sure Duncan would go with them. And maybe Evan. He would protest, of course, but he would go if she asked.

A half hour before she was supposed to leave, Susie debated going next door to find her. She didn’t want to do the whole scene in front of the others, though, and paced around the living room trying to decide what to do. The door opening brought a deep breath. Finally. Turning toward her roommate, she stopped, her jaw clenching. Mitch was with her.

“Going to work early?” Kate kicked out of her shoes.

Susie ignored the producer’s greeting. “Where were you? I thought you had plans.”

“Oh. Yeah, I changed them. Mitch had work for me and I figured I could use the extra money.”

“Work? All night?”

Mitch ambled in further, as if he was welcome in her apartment. “Night photo shoot. Very dramatic. I can’t wait to see the results.” He winked at Kate.

She ignored him again, moving closer to her roommate. “You’re not going?”

“Yeah, just waiting till tomorrow. Mitch already knows. You don’t have to be careful about what you say.”

“Really? Does Mike know, too?”

Kate tossed her head. “No. And you can quit mentioning his name to scare guys away now. Mitch knows about our relationship. It won’t work.”

Scare guys away. The look on the producer’s face told Susie he knew too much, was more intimate with Kate than just a simple working relationship. It made her sick to think about it. “Well, if you don’t mind, there is something I’d like to discuss with you in private.” She finally acknowledged the man’s presence. “No offense.”

He grinned. “Of course not. I just gave her a ride home. I wasn’t planning to stay.” He thanked Kate for agreeing to the last-minute job and moved to the door, looking back at Susie. “And if you ever change your mind, you know how to find me.” One corner of his mouth raised, then he left.

“You’re kinda overdressed for work, aren’t you?” Kate clicked on the television then plopped onto the couch.

“I’m not going to work.”

Kate’s eyes raised to hers. “No? You mean you’re actually going somewhere else on a Saturday? Are the guys doing a daytime show somewhere?”

“I’m going out with Duncan.”

“Just the two of you?”

“Yes. Why?”

Kate shrugged. “Good. It’s about time. How’d he talk you into leaving the gang?”

Leaving the gang? It wasn’t their first time out alone. But she supposed it was pretty close to it. “He asked.”

Her roommate scanned her outfit. “Where is he taking you?”

Susie sat down across from her, explaining the invitation, waiting for the sarcastic comments she expected. They didn’t come.

“Overnight? Are you ready for that?”

“Separate rooms, Kate.”

“Uh huh. It’s a test, you know. He wants to know if you’ll actually insist on separate rooms once you get out away from all of us.”

“You don’t know that.”

Kate laughed. “Sure I do. If there’s one thing I know, it’s guys.” She got serious again. “Just be aware, Suse. Think about it.”

“He’s not like that.”

“He’s a guy. Okay, he’s a good guy, but he’s still a guy. And I don’t imagine he’s used to waiting as long as he has.” A knock interrupted.

Susie went to answer, pausing and turning back at Kate calling her name.

“They all have at least one big flaw, you know. Make sure you find it before getting too settled.” She returned her attention to the television.

Settled. Even Kate was seeing it. Diane had mentioned settling, as if she thought Susie had that in mind, and now Kate. But what was making them see it? Was she acting as though that was what she expected? She didn’t … really. She couldn’t begin to let herself expect it. Maybe it could work … some time in the future, when Duncan was more settled. He wasn’t yet. She could feel that much. Maybe that was his one big flaw. He was unsettled. Maybe he always would be.

What was hers? If guys had them, so did girls. What did others see as her big flaw? What would Duncan guess that it was?

The second knock made her put it further back into her brain. It wasn’t going to mess up her weekend. Neither would Kate. And she decided not to bother asking if Kate would wait to go another time. It would just lead to an argument and Susie wasn’t about to do that to herself now, when it would make no difference in what Kate did.

Opening the door, she knew the decision was right. He was wearing the leather vest and had his duffel and his guitar case thrown over his shoulder, looking as though he was leaving. Unsettled. But he was taking her with him this time.

“I ‘m early. Though’ I would see if y’ needed help with anything before we go.”

“Are you planning on joining them on stage?” She glanced at the case.

“Nah, I’m no’ real comfortable goin’ far without it. Keeps my hands busy if I can no’ sleep.”

“The same reason I always carry a book.” She backed up to allow him entrance.

Susie had debated after packing her current novel in her bag about whether she should. She wouldn’t read in the car. It would be rude. So that left the hotel that night and Susie guessed it would be too late by the time she got to bed to want to stay up longer reading. But she felt better having it along. She wondered if he’d had to debate with himself about bringing his guitar. Most likely not.

He greeted Kate and she teased him as though she hadn’t just warned Susie about him, and about guys in general. Susie didn’t ever mind the flirting. She didn’t even mind when Kate offered to trade places with her roommate for the rest of the weekend. She did mind, though, when Kate got too friendly, running a hand down his chest, underneath the black leather, as she had the day they’d met, making Duncan grab her fingers when they got down to his stomach. What was she trying to prove? That she was right about him? About guys in general? Did she really think any of them would give in to her with the right offer?

Duncan’s gentle rebuttal didn’t move her away, and the hand touching his hair was more than Susie wanted to accept. “I’m ready to go.”

Kate’s look reflected the irritation in Susie’s voice. She lowered the hand, moving back. “Well, don’t let me be in the way.”

“I don’t intend to.” She did intend to talk to her, though, when they were alone, to make sure Kate knew it was too far. Susie would never dream of getting that personal with Mike. It was too far.

Duncan stopped her from picking up her bag, taking it himself, and he wouldn’t listen to her protest. He met her eyes, questioning whether she was irritated with him, too.

“I need to talk to Kate for just a minute. Can I meet you at the car?”

He waited, still questioning her, bothered. It was too apparent in his eyes. “Just girl stuff.” She touched the edge of the vest, allowing her fingers to brush against his stomach, noticing that he didn’t stop her as he had Kate. “And I have to yell at her for messing with you.”

His face relaxed. “Do no’ yell too much. The baby migh’ overhear.” He winked and touched her arm, then closed the door behind him.

Susie went to sit by her friend.

“I wouldn’t actually try anything with him, you know.” Kate’s voice was defensive. “I mean, not to mention this stomach I’m getting would be a turn-off, but I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Would it? Would pregnancy be a turn-off to him? Pushing that thought away, Susie decided to go ahead and just ask what she’d been wondering, from someone who was good at straight answers when she decided to be. “Kate, if I ask you something, will you be honest? No jokes or sarcasm or anything, just….”

“What?”

“Do you think I’m … shooting in the dark? Expecting too much when I can’t really see…”

Kate chuckled. “I could really make a good comment out of that one.”

“Please.” Susie looked her friend in the eye.

“Okay. Go ahead.”

“I want your honest opinion.”

Kate sighed, scratching at a fingernail, avoiding the gaze. “Well, I think the bigger question is … is he?”

“What do you mean?”

“You want the real truth? What I really think?” She looked up at Susie’s silence. “Okay. Well, I know everyone is acting like, or at least thinking, that he’s the one who….”

“Who what?”

“Who may have trouble with a commitment thing. The ring besides the point. I know Mike thinks that. He doesn’t think you should be counting on anything.”

“It’s not Mike’s business.” Susie felt herself straighten, angered at Mike making any comment about them whatsoever.

“He cares about you like a little sister. And he’s worried.”

Worried. Mike didn’t think Duncan was staying long. But Duncan had given her his mom’s ring, and it wasn’t besides the point. It was a big deal to him.

“I don’t argue with him because … it would be hard to tell him why I think he should be more worried about Duncan than about you.”

“Worried about Duncan? Because of me? Why?”

“Do you have to ask?” Kate shook her head, shifting to face Susie directly. “What about Evan?”

A deep breath consumed her. Not again.

“Yeah, I know. You said you don’t want that anymore. But I don’t believe you. I think you would drop Duncan in a minute if Evan ever made a pass at you.”

Susie forced herself to swallow her anger. She’d asked for an honest opinion. But the thought was insulting. “Well, I guess there is plenty you don’t know about me, too.” She stood. “Because I wouldn’t.” Why on earth would Kate say such a thing? Of course she wouldn’t. It was why she had waited so long to start dating him in the first place, so she could be sure she wouldn’t. “I have to go, but if you want to wait a couple of weeks, I’ll go to Rhode Island with you. I can’t do it next weekend because of the show, but…”

“Hell, the guys have a show nearly every weekend. If we wait for that…”

“I mean my show. The recital. It’s next Saturday.”

“Oh.” A guilty expression blanketed Kate’s face.

“You’re not going to be here?”

“I don’t know…. I’m sorry. I forgot.”

“So wait and go in a couple of weeks…”

“I can’t. I have arrangements already.”

“Arrangements?”

“Um, yeah. Mitch is driving down with me. He has family in the area so he can drop me off…”

“Mitch? Kate…”

“I know, you don’t trust him. But it’s better than going alone, right?”

Susie stared. She wasn’t so sure it was, especially if Mike knew they were going together.

“Anyway, you better go. Don’t keep that man waiting too long. And take that as you wish.”

She ignored the insinuation. “Be careful. And call me if you need anything.” Reaching the door, she turned back. “You can change your mind. Think about it.” She started out, feeling as if something was missing. She had the little shoulder bag she used as a purse and Duncan had her overnight bag. So she supposed that was all. It was just two days … one night. How much did she need?

“Suse.” Kate’s voice turned her head. “To answer your question … he’s not going to leave you. Hell, that man would do anything you ask of him.”

Susie looked at the floor, collecting her thoughts. Anything she asked? And if she asked him to settle?

“I’m glad you said ‘yes’ to the weekend. Have fun and hang on to him tight. There’ll be lots of girls out there trying to grab him from you.”

“They won’t have the chance.” Susie gave a farewell, again urging her roommate to call when she got to Rhode Island, and remembered that she was going to yell. “Oh, and don’t play with his hair again. That’s mine.” She grinned and headed down to meet him.

**

Duncan stood leaning against the little blue Ford, watching the sky. It looked like rain was trying to threaten, but he hoped it would hold out. Otherwise, it was a perfect day to spend outdoors, with a breeze cooling the warm May sunshine. He had to admit to himself that he was enjoying Lakewood’s atmosphere. The air was fresher than most of the cities in which he’d dwelled. Clumps of lavender in front of the apartment threw their scent at him, and daylilies danced in the wind. He guessed they would have been Susie’s doing, as they fit her personality. She had admitted to planting the daffodils that were now withered and mentioned adding a few summer plants as well, against Roy’s knowledge. Since it hadn’t cost him anything, he had never bothered her about it.

She needed a yard of her own, a real house … and a studio. Duncan could see her being the life of a household, with children of her own as well as her students…. Was that what she wanted? To keep teaching? Through all of their talks, she had never mentioned anything else. But working at the studio as a teacher, even lead teacher, didn’t seem enough for her. What else did she want from her life?

Whatever it was, Duncan couldn’t help wishing to be a part of it, any part. He wanted to keep watching her grow, keep seeing the effect she had on those around her. She didn’t see it. He knew without a doubt that she didn’t see it. But it was fascinating to watch. He hoped, even when she had grown enough to want a different relationship, that she would stay in touch with him, let him continue as a part of her life. Although, he didn’t imagine he’d be able to stay around and watch her go out with another guy. He’d have to move on, keep travelling, and hope she would respond to his letters, as Ev had. He would always be able to come back and visit Ev now and then, and Susie would never be far from his buddy. He also knew that without a doubt.

Acknowledging the presence of a couple pushing a stroller along the sidewalk, he nodded at their greeting. They were getting used to him, those who lived nearby. The looks were friendlier, or at least less fearful. He had to guess it was because they saw him almost always with either Ev or Susie. Ev spoke to everyone. Susie didn’t, really, unless they spoke to her first. But her smile was always welcoming to those who did make the attempt.

Two months. He’d been in Lakewood for only two months, but it seemed so much longer. Duncan had never intended to stay more than a couple of weeks or so, until he decided where he wanted to go next. Hanging with Ev’s band, though, was the best thing he had done musically to this point. They weren’t the typical third-rate bar band. There was some real talent in the group and they pushed him to be better himself than he had ever been. He kept thinking about getting Stu to write more on his own, and to insist that his stuff get heard. The bit of it that he’d written without Doug showed a tendency for a more mature sound. There were no lyrics. Doug was definitely the lyricist of the two, but Stu had an incredible feel for rhythm and a strong personal style. Duncan wavered about asking the younger musician to write with him; tunes with stronger guitar sections. But he didn’t want it to look like he was showcasing himself.

Movement from the front of the building caught his eyes. Susie. He held still, watching her descend the steps and cut across the grass to the parking area. Two days. Just the two of them. The first of hopefully many weekends they would spend doing short trips. He couldn’t afford yet to take her away longer than that, but a couple of days here and there, he could manage. And she wanted to travel. That much he knew.

“Sorry I took so long. Kate….” She stopped, holding back.

“Everything okay?”

She sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. And I’m not sure I should go away right now, but...”

Stepping closer, he pushed a hand around her waist. “Kate will be fine. Y’ can no’ let her life interfere so much with yours.”

“But it does. Always. And now…”

“And now she will have t’ grow up a bit.”

Susie shook her head. “But she won’t. And I don’t mind helping with the baby, you know. But…”

“Y’ have your own life.”

“Do I sound like I’m being selfish? I just…. There are things I want to do. And I’m having a hard enough time….”

“What is it that y’ want to do?” He waited. “I know y’ have plans … more than what y’ are doing, bu’ y’ have no’ said what they are.”

She stared into his eyes, unsure. “I haven’t really … I mean, yes, I have plans, but … I can’t really see that it’ll ever happen. Especially if … things work the way I think they might. With Kate. And….”

“Forget Kate. What is it that y’ want?” He backed up further, taking her hands. A deep breath made her chest rise, and fall. She had to think about whether she wanted to tell him.

“Don’t laugh.”

Laugh? At her goals? “I would no’.”

“Well, I want to own my own studio. Do things differently. Think more about the kids than about creating a booming business. Give people some space if they have trouble paying lessons for a couple of months. I mean, I know how it is, and I can’t stand seeing kids get kicked out.” She shrugged. “But I guess people don’t stay in business that way. And I can’t begin to know how I would ever get one started or what I would do if too many of them couldn’t pay for a month or two. It’s not like I think I could actually do all that. It’s just….”

He leaned in, kissing her, raising a hand to her head to draw her closer, hold her as closely against him as he dared while they were out where others could see. Then he touched her eyes. “Babe, y’ are the most unselfish person I ‘ave ever known.”

“Yeah? Then why I am going away with you this weekend when I know that Kate could be getting herself in more trouble?”

“Do you no’ want to go? If it is bothering you too much…”

“No.” She pressed in against him. “I want to go. Just tell me she’ll be okay.”

“Y’ can no’ change what she does.” Duncan wasn’t about to make a promise he couldn’t do anything about controlling. But he also wasn’t going to make it easy for her to cancel the weekend. “I will be here t’ help you pick up the pieces, if you need. Fair enough?”

She grinned. “I may take you up on that. And I’m ready if you are.”