A history of sorts - Part three

As the end of my first year at university approached, it brought with it something so unpleasant that I even stopped going out in the evenings. Exams.

I never was good at dealing with stress, and exams always caused me problems. This was worse than usual, however, as I'd been spending my evenings getting laid, my mornings feeling hungover, and very little time actually in lectures, learning what I needed to pass the exams. And if you didn't get a good enough grade, you got thrown out of university.

So, there was a lot of pressure to do well, and I'd done no studying. The library had lent out all the textbooks that were any good, I hadn't bought any of my own, and couldn't afford to either. I was so stressed I could barely eat, and what I did eat didn't stay down long. My few lecture notes made no sense. I was stuffed.

Until I received help from an unlikely source. There was a geeky girl named Jane living down the hall, who I'd barely ever spoken to, what with our different social circles - I was out drinking & screwing most nights, while she was in the computer department debugging her latest project. She noticed how rough I was looking in our kitchen one morning, and commented on it. I explained my situation, and she made some amazingly helpful suggestions. The first was to get onto the Sun workstations in the computer lab so I could use something called Netscape. After a few false starts, I managed to get the hang of websurfing, and of usenet as well. The internet was still pretty much in its infancy as far as web content goes at that point (it was considered cutting-edge if you had animated GIFs on your homepage) but there was still a LOT of information available, and thanks to the relevant Usenet groups, I was able to track a lot of it down. Some of my panic lessened - I could find the information I needed to pass my exams, and it was free. That was a load off my mind.

The other suggestion my geeky friend made was to learn meditating, as it would stop my stress. I wasn't convinced, but I gave it a try. We went into her room and she explained a few methods for me to try. I was completely crap at it, barely managing to keep my mind clear & on-track for more than a few seconds at a time. But I stuck with it, and at the end of the session, I wasn't doing too badly, and I felt a lot better. I even managed to keep down a slice of toast. It was easier to revise when I wasn't about to faint from hunger, so I joined Jane for her meditation sessions at least once most days.

When I sat my exams, I found that I had actually over-worked myself. The whole first year had been pretty much a repeat of my A-level stuff, intended to bring everybody up to the same level of knowledge before the serious stuff in the second year. I knew far more than they had taught us, so I sailed through the exams.

And that was the end of the first year. Time to move out of our flats and go back home for the summer. It felt really strange going back to my parents after a year on my own. I stopped meditating while I was home, since I was no longer stressed of course, and didn't go out in the evenings as there was nowhere to go in our little village.

I stayed in touch with Jane over the holiday, thanks to a modem in my PC and the wonders of email. So when it was time to think about going back to uni. for the second year, we arranged to meet up there and go house-hunting together - uni. flats were only for 1st years, the rest of the time we had to fend for ourselves. We found a small house down a cul-de-sac about four miles from campus that was affordable, so we decided we'd take it.

We moved in a week before term started. I brought my rusty old bicycle with me, as I didn't think I could afford the bus fare every day. Jane brought her PC and her three Macs, and networked the whole house up. Five machines connected to the net on a 56k modem. Laughable, isn't it?

She nagged me back into meditating regularly, mainly by pointing out that otherwise I'd be in just as bad a state for the next lot of exams. And I had to admit that, the more I did it, the more relaxed and cheerful I tended to be. And I slept better, too. So three times a day for the next week, we sat on cushions in her bedroom and I struggled to keep my restless mind still and focused. I started to get pretty good at it by the time we went back to uni. for the second year.

The basic sequence of the first day, I vaguely recall, were: Meditated with Jane, cycled into campus, did the registration thing, met up with Shelley, and we hit the bar. We were joined by some friendly faces (i.e. guys we'd slept with quite a few times in the previous year) and it was dark by the time we left. My bike having no lights, and me being in no fit state to ride it, I cheerfully accepted a lift home from a couple of my drinking companions.

We were rather loud about arriving home and Jane looked very disapproving as I was helped upstairs by the two of them. I barely noticed, to be honest. They then helped me to my room, and helped me to undress. They they helped themselves.

I think that one of them had been something of a regular in the first year, while the second bloke I didn't know. I'm not really sure. But I do remember one of them worrying about 'taking advantage' and the other reassuring him with the words "Don't worry, I know her, she's a total slapper, trust me." They stuck in my memory, for some reason. Even drunken and in that state of apathy I'd been in for so much of the first year, that stung.

My knowing 'friend' put me on my knees and slid his cock into me from behind. I was almost surprised he hadn't put it up my arse. Then his hands took hold of my breasts and off he went. A few moments later, his pal worked up his nerve and lined his cock up with my mouth.

It's hard to breathe when you're being energetically fucked and you're trying to suck on a cock as well. I really can't recommend it. I was glad when they finished and left, really. Jane came up shortly after they left to find me laying naked on the floor. I'd probably have passed out quite happily like that and slept there all night, but she helped me into bed, still looking very unhappy with me. Like an idiot, which I suppose everybody IS when they're drunk, I asked why she looked so unhappy. She didn't answer, just turned out the light and left me to it.

I had a killer hangover the next morning, which is probably why I didn't meditate. Instead, I caught the bus into campus and went to find out my timetable. Stroke of genius, it was: Classes at 9am and 4pm every day (except Wednesdays, which had no afternoon classes) and nothing in-between. Apparently, timetables were computer-generated, hence the bloody idiocy. Hey ho.

Felt too rough to go to the bar, so I reclaimed my bike and went home. Just in time for mid-day meditation, which I was just about up to by then. I didn't do very well, tho. Jane offered to lend me a guided meditation tape, which had somebody telling you what to do. I gave it a try in the evening. It didn't work very well. Jane suggested it was probably because I wasn't very open to going into trance. She suggested I try replacing my usual mantra with a "One in three" technique. This is where you tell yourself two thing that are true, and then one thing which you WANT to be true. Like: "I'm sitting down, I'm breathing slowly, My mind is clearing. My eyes are closed, It's very quiet, I am entering a trance". If it worked, she explained, I could use it to give myself instructions such as "I will obey the tape instructions" and so on.

I worked on it over the next few days. I found the method fairly reliable at getting into light trance, where you don't just feel non-stressed, but there's actual pleasure from being so relaxed. It couldn't get me much deeper, so I opted to start telling myself that I would follow the taped instructions, in hopes that my self-hypnotic suggestions would sink in while I was in light trance, and then the tape would help me to deeper trance.

So I did suggestions like the above to get into trance, and then gave myself instructions like "I will obey suggestions to go into trance, I am open to suggestions from outside, I like being taken into trance." That worked pretty well, and I was able to use the tape to reach a state where I could get very clear 'Mind's eye' experiences.

My biggest problems were that I couldn't hold the trance state very well, and missing sittings set my progress back. And I missed quite a lot of evenings if I met up with Shelley on campus. Jane suggested I take a break from 'going out in the evenings' for a few weeks, until I was more proficient. She also suggested I try opening my eyes when I was in a stable light trance, as this would help me learn to stay in the trance state.

It helped. The first few times, opening my eyes was enough to break the trance. But after some more practice, I could look around the room, and after a bit longer I could even talk to Jane from a light trance.

Then I met up with Shelley and missed both an evening and a morning meditation, for reasons I'm sure you can work out for yourself. Jane, still disapproving, asked why I kept 'going out' like that when I knew how much I back-slid after missing a sitting. I muttered some vague excuse, which didn't satisfy her. She suggested we talk about it that evening while I was in trance, to see if it was any clearer when I was meditating. I agreed.

It took longer than usual, but I made it into stable trance eventually, and Jane went ahead and asked me about where I'd been, what I'd done, and then asked if I had enjoyed it. I was quite surprised when I answered "No".

She asked why I did it, if I didn't enjoy it. I said it made me feel better. She carried on questioning me, and I carried on answering. In a surprisingly short length of time, I had told her pretty much everything about my sex life. She made a few observations I had never noticed before. It went something like this:

"Have you ever had a guy do oral on you?" she asked.

"No," I answered.

"Have you asked for it?"

"No."

"Don't you want it?"

"No."

"Have you noticed sex without an orgasm makes you feel better than sex with one?"

"No."

"But it's true, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever had sex with you on top?"

"No."

"Have you noticed you don't like to be the one in control during sex?"

"Yes."

"You like sex to put you in a helpless role, don't you?"

"Yes."

"You don't like feeling like you're responsible in any way."

"No."

"You like to be told to have sex, rather than being asked for it."

"Yes."

"You think of sex as something other people do to you."

"Yes."

"You don't think you have a right to say no to sex, do you?"

"No."

"Have you had sex with a woman yet?"

"No."

"If a woman tried to pick you up when you were out in the evening, would you go with her?"

"I suppose so."

"You wouldn't say no to a man, would you?"

"No."

"So you wouldn't say no to a woman either?"

"No."

"Take off your clothes so I can fuck you."

I felt a slight shock at that, but it was smothered by that strong sense of apathy I had first encountered a year ago. I didn't even loose the trance state. That sensation of "It's happening to somebody else" was even stronger from the meditative state I was in, and it really did feel more like I was watching it on TV than actually experiencing it. I watched as I undressed and laid on Jane's bed. I watched her undress. I watched her fit a strap-on dildo onto me, and heard her tell me she'd bought it hoping I would use it. I watched myself follow her instructions to suck on her nipples and rub her clit until she was ready. I watched myself climb between her legs and start fucking her. I watched her orgasm, and demand more, and watched as I fucked her again, and again, and again, until we were both too tired to go on.

I watched her undo the strap-on, and then fuck me with it by hand, until I came once. Then I felt myself becoming myself again, as I felt myself fall asleep in her bed.


Continued in:

ID: 971160   (Rated: XGC) Title: A history of sorts - Part four  Description: And still it goes on By: tatty_oldbitt