Diary Entry: Prisoner 404

Diary Entry: Prisoner 404

Day 1: I didn’t kill him

Day 2: I said I didn’t kill him

Day 3: ok ok I killed him but it’s not like he didn’t deserve it...bastard!

Day 4: Thanks to the guard turning off the light 10 minutes early I can’t see what I’m writing.

Day 5: At breakfast the guy who had been caught for robbing a child’s piggy bank decided he would take the last of the waffles which I must say I was quite annoyed with. I threatened him. But he threatened to steal my piggy bank so I ran off screaming. My money is now stored in my secret place.

Day 6: My secret place has been discovered and my piggy bank has been demolished. What harsh times we live in. I am planning my revenge!

Day 7: I’ve been in here what seems like 29 years. Prison life is hard and it’s very difficult to be a murderer in a prison because the guards won’t let you practice.

Day 8: I don't like the food here it's the same everyday. I am thinking of staring a cooking programme to introduce new food to the inmates. I don't think carrots are allowed though after Tommy tried stabbing one of the guards in the eye with the pointy bit on his first day. He hadn't even peeled it.

Day 9: The cookery programme is going well i have had lots of possitive feedback from the prisoners. Tommy's happy that he's allowed to use a knife again. The guards seem aggitated with this. Especially when i told them some of the knives are missing.

Day 10: I am being moved to farm duty tomorrow so i might be able to get some beef for my cookery programme, and some chicken and pork and aligator. I wonder if anyone would notice if one of the guards went 'missing'. I haven't eaten real meat in a long time.

Day 11: Tried stealing Daisy the cow today. I failed. The guards noticed me trying to hide her under my jumper. I have asked for a bigger jumper.

Day 12: I worked on the farm again today although I'm not allowed to try and steal the animals. Tending to the chickens is fun. Funny how the chickens are free range in a prison.

Day 13: Attempted to practice my death grip on a guard so they took my laptop away from me. I am writing this entry on my hand…to then transfer across to my new laptop which I am ordering from the internet…which I will do by getting my old laptop back...no..no wait.

Day 14: Been in here 30 years now... I think...it's still pretty new. I saw a bird with a limp today which was most unusual, normally anything natural is taken away to keep the moral down. So when Ms Donnan had her baby it was shot.

Day 15: Prisons are becoming so overcrowded these days so why don’t they make robbery, murder, burglary etc legal. I’ll never understand these government types!

Day 16: Escaped today but I left my laptop so I went back to get it...well otherwise you wouldn’t have a “Day 17” would you?!

Day 17: After I escaped and went back for my computer they found me when I accidentally entered the guard’s barracks.

Day 18: I will succeed. I have another plan. I checked out a book from the library “how to escape from prisons” and “how to become a successful criminal”. The second was just a bit of light reading.

Day 19: I talked to the chickens about my next escape plan. They thought it was clucking brilliant. The book suggested digging a tunnel under the prison walls and escaping that way. So I borrowed a spade and tunnelling hat off one of the guards as “chicken protection equipment” and started using my lunch breaks as preparation time.

Day 20: Digging is hard I might have to borrow some dynamite to aid my digging process I'll use the “chicken protection equipment” excuse again.

Day 21: Managed to get quite a distance now down my tunnel. Unfortunately the chickens have been taken away due to my past actions with the farm animals. It's about 2 o’clock in the morning and I’m about halfway down the tunnel at the moment but I’m almost down to my breakout point..em..lights going out on my tunnelling hat em..hello?..hello?

Day 22: Almost out. Digging has become second nature to me now and has taken the place of going to the toilet...which I have forgotten how to do.

Day 23: Broke through the end of my escape tunnel only to find myself in the electric chair room. I was a bit shocked.

Day 24: Due to my 'wild' temperment i have been placed in the maximum security wing. I do not believe it..."wild"?! It was just friendly play fighting, and they bit me first!!

Day 25: I have misplaced my pen today so I am writing with my own blood. I may need some help getting off the floor as i fear I have run out of ink!

Day 26: Though my earlier attempts of escaping failed I have decided to get out the conventional way, dressing up as a guard.

Day 27: I have been unable to locate a guard uniform so I have had to use my intellect to help me.

Day 28: My monkey costume did not fool the guards and i have been banned from the fancy dress locker. But i managed to steal a french hat before I was caught, there is still hope.