The Kissometer

THE KISSOMETER

“…boys keep chasing girls to get a kiss..and the Beat Goes On”

         Ah, the lines to a Sonny and Cher song back in the groovy days of the late ‘60s where flower power and free love was the chant of the young generation. Well for many of us growing up back then, this period of time was not as romantically glamorous as many people have the perception thereof.

         To engage a young lady’s company and ask for a date when reaching the age of puberty was quite a challenge for many of our gang that hung around together back then. In attending a Catholic school, it was strictly enforced that students could not entertain the thought of dating until they were seniors. With this in mind, many of us were grossly inexperienced on the ifs and the hows and the what to say, when it came time to approach a girl and ask for a date. In addition, it was totally inappropriate for a girl to call a boy and ask him out. Some of us were apprehensive, some of us were afraid and some of us down right petrified to just walk up to a girl and begin a conversation. However, where there is a need to be filled, man has always developed a way to solve his dilemma and like the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention.

         Myles Thompson, whose future was destined to be in electrical engineering field, came up with the idea of creating an invention to break through the barrier of our indecision on attracting as well as approaching the opposite sex. Putting our minds together, we planned, procured the parts for, designed, and fabricated what we decided to call a Kissometer. We had taken apart an old transistor radio. We saved the radio housing case which was entirely gutted except for the station dial and battery compartment. Myles had wires soldered on circuit board together everywhere inside the case. Drilling a few holes in the top of the case, he glued another metal strip to line up with the holes and then inserted a menagerie of tiny different decorative Christmas tree lights. On the side of the case, or Kissometer, there was a switch that would make electrical contact on two points and cause a red indicator needle to jump erratically and insignificantly on a small volume meter. By installing fresh new flashight batteries, the more you turned the volume dial, the faster the lights would flash in a row. Two useless alligator clips attached to speaker wire hung on each side. However,those were a key factor in the success of the Kissometer. The girl would hold one clip in her hand and the boy would hold the other. Naturally the wires were purposely short so the participants were almost touching before engaging the Kissometer to the “on” position.

         It was time to unleash our invention into the romantic world and see how many girls were willing to see how good a kisser they actually were! Bobby Meyers volunteered to see if he could get Kathy Richmond to kiss him using the Kissometer as our first experiment. With the tact and poise of a Fuller Brush Salesman, he planned to visit Kathy at her place of work right after school. He rehearsed the speech we wrote together as he prepared to enter the store armed with the Kissometer tucked beneath his arm. We entered the store first and pretended we were shopping. We watched and listened for Bobby to enter the store from the next aisle. Bobby waited until the last patron walked out of the convenience store before he entered and approached the counter.

“Hi Kathy,” he said placing the Kissometer on the counter in front of her.

“Hi Bobby,” she said rolling a lifesaver candy in her mouth. What’s that thing? Did you folks buy you a new radio for your birthday or something?” She stuck her fingernail in between one of her teeth eyeing him suspiciously. “You gonna buy something because Mr.DeCinatis, the owner, don’t like no one hanging around here.”

“No. I mean maybe a pack of gum later. Juicy Fruit,” Bobby stumbled. “But I wanted to show you something neat first. This here is a Kissomatic…I mean a Kissometer.” Bobby gave a heavy sigh and swallowed the lump in his throat. “It’s an invention we made in Science Lab.”

“A what?” she said with an anxious expression. “A Kissometer?” she added with a confused tone. “What’s it suppose to do?” Kathy reached for the box.

Myles slapped me on the back. “Look, Look! It’s working!” he said excitedly. “She wants to know how it works. She’s touching it! This is great!”

         Bobby turned around to see if we were watching and we urged him to continue by motioning with our hands to turn around. He focused his attention back to Kathy and involuntarily coughed and cleared his throat as she continued examining the box.

“Well Kathy, see you take the red clip there and hold it tightly in your hand.” Bobby said nervously handing her the alligator clip which she stepped away from.

“Is this gonna give me a shock or something?” she asked hardening her facial expression. “You’re not trying to play a dirty trick on me are you?”

“Naw. Would I do that? This thing is going to tell you how good a kisser you are.” Bobby blurted out.

Myles slapped himself in the forehead. “Oh for crying out loud! That wasn’t in the script we wrote!”

“How is this machine going to tell me if I am a good kisser? What have I gotta do, put my lips against the box? There is no way I'm putting my mouth on that box, Bobby.” Kathy folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips.

“No. Listen to me, Kathy. I hold one of these clips and you hold the other and then we kiss one another. The dial on the box there will jump to a number and show you if you’re a good kisser or not.” Bobby smiled and nodded his head.

“I don’t need any box to tell me if I'm a good kisser, Bobby!” she furrowed her forehead. “I haven’t had any complaints about my kissing so far.”

“But wait a second. Wait a second," repeated Bobby. "See you may THINK you’re good at it, but this invention here will tell you just HOW good you are. Now why don’t you just try it out with me for a second? What will it hurt?

“My reputation for one thing.” She looked away in disgust. “The word around school is I would be laughed at. I can just picture them all saying Kathy Richmond and Bobby Meyers were making out in a convenience store where she works testing out a stupid Kissometer. They'll think I'm really hard up for a boy then!”

“Hey alright then. It's up to you.” Bobby shrugged his shoulders, picked up the Kissometer and pretended he was about to leave. “Okay, you can’t say I didn’t ask and try to help you out Kathy. All I know is Allison McKinney and Leslie Vickers put the kissing meter needle right off the dial meter. Just wait until all the handsome guys in school find out just how a good a kisser Leslie and Allison are! They'll never be home on a Saturday night again! In fact, I told Leslie I was coming here for you to try it out and Leslie laughed until she had tears in her eyes. She said you're scared because you probably kiss like a scrawny chicken and you couldn’t register more than a three or four on the scale. I guess I’ll have to tell her she was right and you're afraid.” Bobby was so skillful in lying it was a pleasure to watch him in action.

“Ohhhh! She what? I hate that witch Leslie Vickers!” Kathy’s face turned red and she stomped her feet in angry frustration. “She said that stuff about me! I kiss like a chicken huh? I'll show her! Give me that darn clip that I’m suppose to hold on to. I’ll show her a thing or two about who can kiss better." She removed the half eaten Lifesaver candy pinching it between her thumb and index finger. Now what am I suppose to do?” she asked her eyes narrowed and pressed her lips together in determination. She gave Bobby her full undivided attention.

“BINGO!” Myles said with a muffled snicker. We both shook hands and watched as Bobby and Kathy cleared their throats and adjusted their hair in preparation for their big smooch.

          Their lips met and Bobby kept his finger on the volume dial meter. He barely moved it after they broke their short kiss.

“There. How was that?” Kathy asked hopefully while popping the Lifesaver back into her mouth.

He clicked his tongue tilting his head to one side. “Gee Whiz. Not too good, Kathy. The machine is registering a four.” Bobby said with a slight nod of his head.

“A FOUR!” Kathy protested. “Where does it say a four? I don’t see a darn thing moving on that box,” Kathy protested leaning over the counter in a futile effort to view what Bobby was staring at.

“Oh well now you see Kathy, the needle stops and goes back to zero when we break the electrical contact that’s transported to the box from our lips,” Bobby explained naturally with ease. “I watched the meter dial while we were kissing and it stopped at the four mark.

“Oh I see now. I didn’t know that. You didn’t explain that part, Bobby.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. See, when you close your eyes and as we kiss I continue to watch the dial scale. The longer and harder you kiss me helps with your kiss rating. You’ll score higher as you go along.”

“Really? Okay, I am starting to get the hang of it now. She removed her Lifesaver and placed it on the cash register. Let’s try it again, Bobby,” she said reaching to put her free arm around his neck. “Tell me when I’m up to that Leslie’s score.”

“You just gotta love this guy,” Myles said smiling and shaking his head. “Gonna be a rich insurance man someday that kid with a pitch like that.”

         Suddenly there was a high pitch sound of someone in uncomfortable distress. We vaulted to our feet to witness Bobby and Kathy "locked" together in their sign of affection. Upon closer examination, much to the embarrassment of Kathy, a portion of Bobby’s lower lip had somehow become wedged under Kathy’s front dental braces and was causing him extreme pain when she attempted to pull away from their sign of affection.

Bobby's lips resembled the rubber end of a toilet bowl plunger and he had to smile lopsided for about a week after the misfortunate accident. It was quite a task two to separate them and for a brief time we considered amputation of a portion of Bobby's lower lip. During the pushing and prying procedure, a few patrons entered the store and offered their assistance to separate the loving couple. One in fact, asked where he could purchase a Kissometer, to which Myles replied he thought he knew where there was a used one he could get rather cheap.