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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| We humans sure are strange critters...that's my conscious mind's assessment of 'us'. But, if we take a moment to step back from the person we 'think' we are, we may have a better idea of what it is that makes us tick...why we do the things we do. Our subconscious mind rules our lives...especially when it comes to emotional decision making. Habits are a classic example of this. What makes me want to do drugs? A large study found that around 90% of addicts have suffered childhood trauma. I will never use this as an excuse to get high...and the only reason I mention it, is I find it interesting in my own case (I love watching people do things, with no real idea why...and I include myself in this). We like to think we are civilised...above our primitive past, but, when it comes down to it, we are just another highly social species who live in a hierarchy and do things without much thought as to why...based mostly on our past experiences, both good and bad. Sometimes, it is too painful to relive bad experiences, and the subconscious mind tricks us into thinking that the best way to deal with this pain is to suppress it...push it down so far that we can live our lives and forget. I am a classic example of this type of behaviour. From a very young age, I was subjected to regular beatings from my older brother...who was himself subjected to abuse. While I recognise I was abused...even acknowledge that it is a probable cause of my addiction, I have not dealt with it in a professional setting, and is something I know I need to do in order to break this cycle of abstinence/relapse that has gone on far too long. Tomorrow night at my group meeting, I am going to ask Vicki if she can help me with this in a one on one setting...and if she can't, I will ask if she can recommend someone who can. I am aware of why I act the way I do, but being aware is not enough to change these subconscious choices I make. I am both victim and perpetrator alike...and I don't want to be either. I need to learn how to become a survivor. |
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