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 |    Not for the faint of art. |
| My second-biggest gripe here is: "Only four?" Because I can think of a lot more than four. But this is Cracked, so you gotta account for short atten- SQUIRREL! The sheer variety and volume of food available in the world is enough to make both your eyes and mouth water simultaneously. Especially if you're one of the millions who can't access it. Dark humor is like food: not everyone gets it. And yes, guy whose go-to-move at parties is to shut down casual chats by bringing up the saddest possible parts of the human condition, I do realize that starvation and food security is still a massive problem both in the U.S. and abroad. Can we move on now, and you can resume your job as a professional hitman for conversations? Nah, I reserve that for the blog. But that's only because no one invites me to parties or casual chats. Here, then, are four foods that, as a modern civilization, we can finally kick to the curb. 4. Necco Wafers Congratulations, you've identified something more hated than candy corn. The world has changed around you, while you’ve been chopping up sticks of sidewalk chalk and wrapping them in the sort of wax paper that feels like it was collected from an Egyptian tomb. We’re two months away from Gushers with LEDs in them, and you’re still trying to sell us a candy most monkeys would spit out. Stop giving candymakers ideas. 3. Baby Corn Not to be confused with candy corn, because as hated as candy corn is, at least it has a flavor. I, like many American Jews, have a deep, insatiable love for Chinese food. Fried pork dumplings are very possibly my favorite food of all time, and if not, they would at the very least make it handily through the primaries. I'm just leaving this in here to avoid comments/jokes about keeping kosher. It's not a thing for most American Jews. However, there is one consistent, unwelcome invader in many entrees at Chinese restaurants: Those fucked-up little corns. Truth. 2. Plain Cheerios YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. But the light is dimming for the default Cheerio in the modern world — the new cereals are faster, sweeter and more colorful. That is exactly what makes Cheerios great. Not that I eat cereal much anymore, but on those rare occasions that I do (usually as part of a free breakfast at a cheap motel), the default is Cheerios, not Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. 1. Brazil Nuts Unlike the other items on this list, I have absolutely no opinion about Brazil nuts. But I tend to avoid them because the idiots I knew as a kid had a rude name for them that I shan't perpetuate by noting it here. I am sure there was a point in the history of the human race where the precious food inside a Brazil nut was needed for survival, but I highly question their continued relevance past the invention of fire. The value proposition of the Brazil nut is like breaking into a safe in order to retrieve a piece of dry toast. I've never had to actually break into a Brazil nut. But you can't make that argument about Brazil nuts when there are so many other foods that are difficult to access, like coconuts or pomegranates (pretty sure that's a word meaning "apple made of granite"). Not to mention, there are so many other better nuts that are begging you to eat them! You’re telling me you’re putting on the blinders and digging past peanuts, pistachios and cashews just to draw blood trying to access the non-prize that is the meat of the Brazil nut? Peanuts are barely food, pistachios are too much work (or too expensive if you get the pre-shelled kind), and the only purpose of cashews is to provide a unique shape in the trail mix. Anyway, as I said, why stop at four? I can think of lots of foods whose time has passed, especially since Cheerios doesn't belong on that list at all. For example: mass-produced milk chocolate. It's basically edible plastic with just enough cocoa so the food police can let them call it "chocolate." There are many tastier alternatives. Sure, they're probably more expensive, but we're not talking about price. Your turn. What food would you want to see relegated to the circular file of history? (If you're vegetarian or vegan, saying "animal products" is cheating.) |
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