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 |  Daily notes and timed freewrites but mostly my blog |
| I have visited my blog several times since the 20th of April, but the words weren't forth coming for me to write. Eleven days ago I copy and pasted a rewrite to an older story with which I was quite pleased; but, nothing of blog style has happened. Today I think I will push a bit and see what may come out of the ol' Just Be There and Write, dammit! I haven't had that spirit in a while. As I mentioned on the 20th of last month, My son has wanted me to be closer for some time. When his older brother died, I must have appeared a bit fragile because his invites were persistent for several years. My reasons for declining his invitations over the years, I believe, were necessary, however. During the time from 2011 and now I had a lot of emotional baggage to sort out. I still had the adult-survival of childhood trauma to deal with, as well as the break up of my last love partnership, and the sudden death of my oldest child. I knew, instinctively, that I must be alone to get myself together. It took six years, but today, I can see the benefit of those six years. I've found myself. I know who I am, not through the reflection of others, but from inside me. Maybe being over 60 has had something to do with my ability to finally mature passed my painful personal history. I'm sure living with only myself has had a major impact on the success of my present maturity. I believe that while I was playing at live in relationships, I was burying the past: or at the least, ignoring the past; so that everyday life could be dealt with. In other words, although it was necessary for me to attend to my children's needs when they were younger, my personal growth needs were not attended to. The same with living with the love of my life. Her needs always seemed to overshadow and distract me from attending to my own. I wish the dynamics of our separation could have occurred differently, I think I am finally the person she could have loved as much as I loved her. I say loved...I could never let that door open between us again. Her method of separation pretty much burned that bridge. My ability to trust her with my heart was shattered. I think we can be friends, but as most people may have figured out, to be my friend is a hit and miss sort of thing. Unless I see ya everyday, I tend not to think about you. I get too focused on who and what is immediately in front of me. So much of that is related to the self defensive behaviors I developed from my childhood experiences. "Out of sight, out of mind." Every moment was spent in self protection and survival mode when I was a kid. I could only see that which was effecting me at the time. And as Kenifyd's dialogue reflects, sometimes the past hurts take a lot from a person. Kenifyd was a story I wrote to get me to see what my potential future would be like if I didn't deal with my childhood trauma's. I could see myself at 90 years old with dementia and consumed by my personal pain. Kenifyd was set in a Mesopotamian type, rural setting because I like to write in fantasy settings. I personally can reflect so much more through fictional story telling than with realism. Reality tends to give me writer's block.  |
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