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 |    10k views, 2x BestPoetryCollection. A nothing from nowhere cast words to a world wide wind |
| Mostly Sober Is it totally embarrassing driving us home, shit-face drunk, two parents sitting in the backseat, instructing you how to drive? I'm getting used to asking you questions like this without looking in your eyes, preparing the guise of a person who can't see anymore. The person who cannot visualize the person who reveals before him now. Your mom, who prefers me better, incapacitated like this, takes advantage of me, grabs my ass when I fumble for the seatbelt, holding on to some version of reality where all three of us can love one another with grandma and grandpa along for the ride. I know at 15, you got a handle on things. That's why I was the only one encouraging, not shouting instructions, when you took us for ice cream, your treat, on this sobering drive. I could sense getting closer to you this weekend, the only one not teasing you. Your head like a snapping turtle, after dinner, when the meds kicked in. I saw a teenager who needed a focus shift, pointed out kindly, we change the conversation, but they teased on a little longer. You hugged me twice later. It felt like trust, reconnection, with a dad who hasn't known how to be there yet. As we grow closer, I hope the drama doesn't push us further apart again. I'm learning to remember what it was like, sheltered in my own room, pumping music into my head to survive. To be that kid who yearned one kind act, even from a parent, to be patient until learning to 'straighten up' and 'fly right' our own way without being told... turn left, go right, the wrong speed and how to arrive. I just want you to know...I'm along for this ride...mostly sober. Sometimes, learning to be a dad is way more stressful than what you pilot. And, it's not the same. Why compare? When I’m old, I hope you still drive, take me out for ice cream. You won’t have to worry anymore what I visualize, because I judge with my heart, not my head.  |
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