SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

What If I'm Autistic, On That Spectrum

I'm like two different people on and off these drugs. What I'm not is sociable or able to defeat this nagging feeling I'm different and rarely finding footing or a place I fit in. It could be a life of experience that taught me how hard it was to read people, hang with them without figuring out some way to either offend them or making our co-existence uncomfortable either the harder I tried or the more I retreatedl.

I am ADHD or ADD, depending on what my therapist says. What I don't understand is why she cannot buy into autism or something in that spectrum, because it is common in boys. It is life long. I know when I'm around people, if I don't get a handle on the situation quick, I look peculiar to this people who I can see don't know how to approach or take me. I try to do all the correct things socially, but overcompensate. I don't shut up when I should. No economy of words seems to save me from myself.

The is this lifelong obsession with numbers, order and treating objects as living things. I could be absorbed for hours with the simplest of things. I discovered 3d images in woodwork and tile before it was a thing. I told awkward jokes and made fun of people because it was the type of humor I was raised with. I butted heads with friends, but I couldn't explain why I never kept one childhood friend or lasting relationship for the first 33 years of my life. I still have people teaching me the correct way to behave, or get the right read on situations.

I don't think it's far-fetched to believe that the trauma I endured in childhood remains with me still because of this. I don't trust people, became cynical and defensive. I'm prone to overreact and become dramatic or emotional of situations that just requires me to take a beat, rather than let old fears seep back in. I tend to idle of the needless, rather than focus on things that could give back to me. Though, I am reordering priority based on results, it's never an easy thing. At least, it made me good at collecting money, which I like to count.

My internet searches and the hours I have spent chasing one notion to other for what seems like forever has consumed me and a lot of my eyesight over the years. There's so much I should have known that I'm discovering, but I get too engrossed and lost in it all and lose precious hours a day. Sometimes, it benefits me when I write. So, there's that.

So, everything works out for me, except I consider myself friendless since my teen years. I'm afraid to count on somehow, because of how traumatic losing a person, let alone getting to know them, can be. I'm trapped in this ideal of perfection and always wanting to say the right thing, sound smart, because I suffered a lot of humifaction from distractions that lead to ignorance.

I'll keep working with my therapist. She hasn't got the full picture yet.

This is more than you need to know about me. But, I write and I share so I can learn and get better. It took me 14 years to figure this place out, and still learning.

6.15.21
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