SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

How Brian Got His "Vibe" Back, sorta

Thanks to Warped Sanity 's newsletter (I should hunt down link), I wrote:

"This is interesting. I hope to learn more. I found the link to this in newsfeed. I thought about attaching my reply there, but want to contribute to this newsletter foremost my reaction and thoughts (to give at least one person a better vibe about me):

I'm self-confident in arenas where I'm not diminished. I find with writing or being on a basketball court, I'm in the right element. There are good days and bad days as with anything, but I have the confidence to override and even influence a few around me. We can be having so much fun, we don't want to quit. We do form bonds and associations in this way, as we 'vibe'.

There are negative elements in these arenas, too. Some come with a different narrative and try to find someone else, even me, to blame for their bad day. They also divide, try to influence others against my good intentions, as if they were bad. These people just haven't figured out that it centers around their own aura. I'm learning to lean away from these people so I can shine on my own, wherever I am. It's tough sometimes not got get caught up in someone else's bad day or obvious negative perception of me. I can read the room, now that I am older and wiser.

I'm more at peace as I age and don't work as hard, as if I would be empty if I don't please others. I just need to take care of myself, attune. Writing and exercising are great ways to express, decompress and release whatever is trapped inside...for me."

I'm working too hard at proving my value to others some days, when I keep driving through subjects and more that cause me to opine and get into old unresolved feelings and thoughts that I thought I was done with, to see them surface again. It's like anything. an addiction; you try to kick the habit. But, you're on your own, no sponsor. It's hard to find people who can get on the same page with me, who'll (for real) be in my corner. I've found a few that remain, some new, but many who won't come over the fence between us to meet, visit again. And, I probably am the same. Knowing the neighbors in this community is difficult when I need to put a face or something iconic to a name.

So, I keep to myself more than I intend. When I put myself out there, it's more than people want to know, or need to know. And, while brevity is my friend, it does not untethered what still anchors in my soul, waiting for some kind of approval from some unknown master for release. I'll plow through millions of pages of internet offerings hoping I'll meet with something, myself to say this is what you've sought or to just pack it up. I'll sit quiet a day or more, let life sink in a bit. Maybe, not dabble in it, mind erased and do this all over again. Another tack, another way to figure out what it is that needs be said with finality, like seeking perfection. Like death. It's inevitable and unavoidable, but we dream on just the same.

And that's what I'll vibe about for now. However it's taken, negative or positive, I feel it's constructive, but not purposely so.

6.20.21