Toe in the Water

Bland Schmand

Bland Schmand

One subject that’ll get the oldies crowding around your blog, trying to get their say in, is food. It’s absolute meat and drink to us wrinklies, if I may coin a phrase. Just express a liking for a particular favourite food and the geriatric world will be lining up to tell you what they prefer. You’ll probably get instructions on how to prepare it correctly and recipes as well.

So, when Lilith of House Martell asks in Question of the Day!   what I could not go a day without, my mind turns immediately to food. And that’s when I realise that there’s nothing I must have to survive. Be it food or otherwise, I’ve been without everything at some time in the past and yet I’m still here. It’s a much more difficult question than I thought.

You’d think that, with the Brit reputation for eating only bland, tasteless food, it would be easy for me to single out something in the New World to tempt my palate and insist upon regular infusion into my eager alimentary system. The problem is that the reputation is totally wrong. Yes, it’s true that we like fairly ordinary stuff like roast beef and veg or fish and chips, but that’s ignoring the sauces we put on such things.

Like mustard for instance. Ohoh, I hear you cry, we have mustard in America! And I must beg to differ. Real mustard comes in a small, yellow, metal container with a plastic top and Coleman’s written on the side. Flip off the lid and you’ll find a yellow powder inside. Take a tiny amount (we actually have miniature spoons for this operation), put it in an egg cup (remember them?) and mix to a paste with carefully administered drops of water. Leave to produce its magic for at least a minute, then spread sparingly on ham or a hot dog. Don’t go mad and slather it all over the place - this is real mustard and you’re about to find out that the Brits don’t eat only bland food.

This bright, cheery, yellow paste will eat your mouth off, if you’re not careful. You think your Tex Mex concoctions laden with chillies are hot? There’s a reason why Indian curries are now the favourite take away food in Britain. We’re trained to the job by things like mustard. Personally, I lick the spoon after making a batch of Coleman’s mustard but I’m not saying that isn’t painful. I’m accustomed to the job thanks to a father who lived in India for years and loved a good, hot, eye-watering curry.

And it’s not just mustard. There’s also this thing called horseradish sauce. Yes, I know it’s possible to get it in the States but you’ll have to hunt for it. At this very moment I am looking at a bottle of Bookbinders Horseradish bought in an American store and not in the exotic foods section. Never seen a Statesider use the stuff, however, and I can understand why. If you’ve not come across it before, handle with care. Spread it on lamb (I know you guys don’t eat lamb but I can dream, can’t I?) or pork or even beef as sparingly as if it were English mustard. That’ll kick your taste buds into life. I put it on cheese sandwiches as well and suffer the searing, tongue-scalding pain when I hit a bit where it’s spread a little too generously. But I love it!

That’s a couple of examples to show that the Brits don’t just love bland food. Sure, we’re a bit conservative when it comes to trying new foods, but our sauces prove that we can cut it with the hottest things out there.

It’s also true that I can live without them.

But only just.


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