Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

I Run This Life

Not many know that even though I consider myself a newbie, I was a member for a year three years ago...stayed for a year, left for a year and now back for almost one year. I had a bad experience with another member who,, when I confided in him about my addiction, and things became not so rosy between us, threatened to report my use to the Australian police. I panicked and immediately deleted my account.

Now, I could blame him for causing me to leave, but that simply would not be true. Yes, he had an underlying mental health issue...as do I, but if I didn't use, I know things would have been different,, and blaming others for where we find ourselves, is in a lot of cases, an avoidance tactic.

I loved it on WDC back then, as I do now. The only difference is that I now enjoy the freedom that comes from not hiding this addiction...to lie. I spent the year between writing in my bedroom because although there are other writing sites, the bad experience made me wary, and besides...writing could get in the way of my addiction, and we can't have that now can we?

I am what's known as a high functioning addict. We are the addicts that make all the other addicts look good...hang on, that came out wrong...they are the addicts that make us look bad...Ummm, not sure if that reads well either...Ok, we all make each other look bad but in a good way. Nah, fuck it, let's call a spade a spade...we all stink, it's just the level of crap we bring to any relationship, friendship or situation that varies.

An addict only has one real love in their life, and that is drugs...co-dependence is not love; it's a habit worse than the drugs. And although most addicts would dispute this, denial is an addict's best friend (besides of course, the drugs). I should know because I lied to myself for so long I actually believed the BS I was telling myself every day.

Lies such as...without meth, I won't be as creative...yet, since I stopped using a very short time ago, my mind has become a creative volcano...now that could be a good thing, except ideas are pouring out at such a rate that it's almost impossible to catch any of it and put to good use.

When I am riding my bicycle is when these ideas come, and for the last weeks, I have been trying to remember so much, that I am lucky if by the time I get home I can remember one thing. I want to capture these moments so now I use keywords to retain the ideas. I am entering a writing competition for the first time Distorted Minds...this has given me focus and something exciting to try...I never would have done this if I was still using so while I hope I put forth a great story, I want to have fun with the writing and will be happy just to get something worthwhile by the due date.

This feeling I have right now is better than the drug ever was, or ever would be if I was stupid enough to return. I feel alive for the first time in a very long time and the truth is, if I could stop my mood and feelings at any point during this process, I would choose today. I know it won't last and as sad as this is, I know right now, this is not me. I am going to de-intensify...de-excite...maybe even depressed, and I must be prepared...accepting that normal life is not like it is in the weeks after discontinuing using a drug like meth. I wouldn't be surprised if this is my addiction preparing me for its onslaught...making me feel like, 'I have this'...' it's easy'...' I can always quit again' next time I make my way back to her.

The war between my sub and conscious mind will wage for as long as breath enters my body...triggers will come and I will need to delay...I know this, but knowledge is of no use if I cannot resist when my chips are down and I REALLY feel like getting high.

As yet, not one pang of need...not a craving or temptation are warning signs that she is up to something...that she has other plans for me.
Well, I have plans of my own.

I want to see more of the world. I want to visit other cultures and learn how people live outside my bubble. If I let my guard down at the wrong moment, none of this will happen because I will be too dependent to leave my dealers clutches, or I will be dead. The choice seems obvious to someone who is looking on from the outside, but I understand...this thing that lurks inside my soul is far from done with me, but I will show her who runs this life from now on.