Life’s Little Misdirections 🥀🦋

Dreams Reflect on Perception and Purpose

What are we doing but wasting time? We could be making a difference in the world and basking in positive experiences ever flowing. But we are surrounded by hate and adversity because something systematic forces us to turn toward one another when there is no one else to turn to, no other place to complain. This growing, negative karma is bringing us down again and again. Even though we have our good times, get our heads above water, there are moments we sink and everything feels helpless.

People don't see us the way we intend to be. People like me self-analyze, take different tacks, and get the same or similar responses. I have a reputation. I'm slotted and categorized as this or that and I can see that a rumor mill in my personal life surrounds and encompasses me and I'm not taken face value, but by what other people say about me. It's so frustrating that you want to rage, but know that would feed into what they want and expect from you. They don't acknowledge that they boxed you, they turned you into their raging animal and you have little recourse but to shut it down.

A person sets goals, but has to adapt or change them to fit whatever scenario they are in because central master always needs to be fed in the process. You find that you lose sight of what you want to do because of this and try again and again to become ultimately dismayed. Raging against the machine doesn't function when you are just one. No one is yielding but you. So, there is only dissatisfaction with life and aim and where it is going, which is getting more than hazier, but permanently lost.

You turn toward your loved ones and they are all asea too. There is no rock to cling to. I cannot imagine burdening myself on another. So, this where I am now. This is who I am now. A person without enough salvo to overcome and achieve personal dreams. A person who just goes through the motions until it's realized there are no shortcuts, cheat codes to get through life without becoming like those who can employ such skills. One romanticizes what is the right way, the beauteous way of achieving in life. Because, so many stories have been written by heroes who stuck to their guns and fought to succeed in ways that seem purely fictional and unachievable.

I break here for a little rest after last night's dream where I imagined revisiting my childhood friends in the places we used to play on an ATV that needed fuel and when I stopped to gas I was putting coins in a telephone accidentally and getting crypto currency which I could use to pay for gas. But for some reason, pump number 24 produced a mess where the little bit of gas overflowed the tank and in my panic was told by the clerk that I was never allowed in the store again and thought it was for the  mess but because people in the south didn't appreciate my attitude, apparently rude. I was lost, didn't understand, because I thought I was nice to everyone. I wanted answers but the clerk was just doing his job, and I felt that people talk or share public reputation scores somehow without really getting to know me before googling the internet or talking to other people who only see a frustrated person who vents negatively because they cannot figure out how to function in the  real world.

I thought about this dream for awhile, talked to my wife about it before she went to work. It seemed mostly about work and 24 is my transgender child's birthday, and it makes me feel I cannot communicate or be understood by anyone as I prepare for another day of indifferent arrogance at work. I take my new depression, ADD meds today, but will add anti-anxiety pill to boot. I'm just going to coast for awhile until I can visualize a purpose for me in this life, which seems slim to none.